The bad news: Your opening act is Carrot Top.
The good news: Someone is using your songs in a Broadway musical, and you will be making tons of money in Grand rights.
the Bad news:
your song “God raped my Dog” has lead a to death Fatwa issued against you by the spiritual leaders of all major religions
The Good news:
you have united all major religions
The bad news: you have united them in a five-way holy war.
The good news: your child just graduated from med school.
The bad new: The Antigua School of Medicine and Sheep Shearing actually does rank their students academically.
The good news: The stock market is up.
The bad news: it’s up on news that the NYSE is being outsourced to China.
The good news: you love Chinese food.
The bad news: You’re allergic to MSG. And rice.
The good news: The fall colors are lovely this year.
TBN: Ninjas came to torture you for inside trader information about your company, taking both your eyeballs.
TGN: Your insurance covers ninja torture.
*Seriously, can people think for like 2 seconds before posting in this thread?
Tbn: You’re already at your lifetime limit for ninja torture.
Tgn: You’re into S&M.
The bad news: Seeing your arousal, the ninjas back off and leave you alone.
The good news: You’re able to escape!
The bad news: you’re able to escape by jumping for a 30th-floor window.
The good news: You fall 30 stories and only break your legs.
The bad news: A pack of dingos, drawn by the scent of your blood, comes running.
The good news: You have a shotgun and a bagful of ammo.
the bad news: It’s a .22 shotgun and a bag full of .45 ammo.
the good news: the dingos get distracted by the scent of a baby
The bad news: Then they see Julia Louis-Dreyfus and lunge for her.
The good news: Jerry Seinfeld is nearby, and has the proper ammo for your shotgun.
TBN: Being Jerry Seinfeld, he has to deliver a 30 minute boring monologue before giving you the damn bullets.
TGN: The boring monlogue puts the dingos to sleep.
The bad news: When they wake up, they’re even snarlier.
The good news: By then, you, Jerry and Julia have gone to Monk’s for coffee, being careful to obscure your tracks and scent so that the dingos can’t track you down.
TBN: At Monk’s, you find that George has become a zombie and Kramer has been infected with lycanthropy and their fight over the last bagel infects the entire cafe and turns everyone into zombie werewolves.
TGN: As a zombie werewolf, the dingos make you the leader of the pack.
The bad news: You just can’t get that old bubblegum rock song “The Leader of the Pack” out of your head.
The good news: Zombie werewolf hunters blow your head clear off.
TBN: Unfortunately, that doesn’t stop zombie werewolves, it merely turns them into headless vampires.
TGN: Your life story is now a best-selling book about sexy, headless vampires aimed at teenage girls with a low tolerance for grammar errors.
The bad news: There are so few teenage girls with a low tolerance for grammar errors that the publisher won’t print a sequel.
The good news: David Fincher wants to direct the movie based on your book.
The bad news: Fincher’s screenplay resembles your book about as much as a skateboard resembles a Lamborghini. And he casts his amour de jour as the leading lady–ugly and she has no screen acting talent whatsoever.
The good news: The movie is a surpirsing camp hit, playing at midnight in theatres everywhere!