The bad news: Your crabs infestation is a new species and will be named after you.
The good news: Your name is Aw Yeah Baby I Just Fucked Angelina Jolie, Junior.
The Bad News: DNA testing reveals your genetic father is Jon Voight. You have to changed your name to Ah Yeah Baby I just Fucked My Half-Sister Angelina Jolie, Junior.
The Good News: Ossam Bin Laden defomote;u has been slowly tortured to death.
The bad news: You have no idea who “Ossam Bin Laden” is, or what “defomote;u” means.
The good news: You just got a crisp new copy of The Dictionary of the Internet.
The bad news: Your typing is so bad you totally and permanently destroy the entire Internet.
The good news (let’s try this again): Osama bin Laden has been declared officially and definitely DEAD.
The bad news: the declaration came from the National Enquirer.
The good news: unemployment is down 2%.
The bad news: You were the one person in the U.S. to lose his job in the entire quarter.
The good news: You really, really hated your old job.
TBN: The company was purchased by Google right after you left and the stock options are now worth 100X what they used to be.
TGN: At your new job, you’re surrounded by hot, single coworkers.
Bad news:They prefer the opposite “plumbing”
Good news:You see your HS crush in Playboy/girl
The bad news: In her “turn-ons,” she describes a guy exactly as you were in high school, but in her “turn-offs,” she describes you exactly as you are now.
The good news: You develop the power of mind control and can make others do exactly what you want.
TBN: Your power requires the consumption of Monk’s Food, monkey poop, balut, newt eyes, Blue Mountain Oysters, and Dominoes Pizza.
TGN: Balut is on sale this week.
TBN: Balut is on sale this week.
TGN: Your quarterly bonus for Q3 will be bigger than expected.
Seriously? I was going to answer that myself just to disqualify those.
TBN: Your skills at this game stink.
TGN: They still stink.
The bad news: You still feel compelled to keep playing.
The good news: A genie gives you long life, excellent health and vast wealth.
The bad news: everyone knows genies don’t exist.
The good news: Sports Illustrated has asked you to shoot the photos for the swimsuit edition.
TBN: It’s their “Ugly Gays and Lesbians” Swimsuit Edition.
TGN: Someone bombed the Westboro Baptist Church
The bad news: the insurance payout will fund their activities for another seventy years.
The good news: that show you hate got canceled.
The bad news: They’re making a big-budget movie of it!
The good news: You pee fine wine and make a fortune by bottling it.
The bad news: you are subjected to random urine testing for alcohol and drugs at work.
The good news: you found a suitcase full of cash.
The Bad news: The suitcase and you are in the belly of a blue whale.
The good news: You have some matches and some dry wood, so you can start a fire.
The bad news: You’re in the middle of a fireworks factory.
The good news: You have a song in the Top 40 and have been asked to go on tour.