The bad news: You’re being paid in pickled pig knuckles.
The good news: The Pickled Pig Knuckles Advisory Board just hired you as a spokesperson.
The bad news: You’re being paid in pickled pig knuckles. Seconds.
The good news: Your child just graduated summa cum laude.
TBN: That was 20 years ago, and he still brings it up every time you tell him to move out of the basement, get a job, or stop playing his Nintendo GameCube.
TGN: You are nominated for the Nobel prize for your work.
TBN: They give the prize to Lindsey Lohan instead because they feel sorry for her, so you’ll be forever remembered as the one who lost the Nobel prize to Lindsey Lohan.
TGN: You still get an all-expense-paid trip to Sweden out of it.
The bad news: You turn out to have a terrible allergic reaction to lutefisk.
The good news: Lindsey Lohan miraculously cleans herself up and turns her life around out of love for you.
The bad news: so does Gary Busey.
The good news: you’re TIME’s Person of the Year.
TBN: You beat out Ghandi, Jesus, FDR, and Mother Theresa in one of the most controversial selections since 1938. So, not only are you now known has having unfairly won the award and beat Ghandi, Jesus, FDR and Mother Theresa, your name is forever linked to Hitler.
TGN: They’re making a movie out of your favorite TV show.
TBN: Jeopardy: The Movie is a dud at the box-office.
TGN: Your cute new neighbour exercises in the nude.
TBN: Her exercise of choice is coprophagia.
TGN: Your videos of her sell for $500,000 to a Japanese “investor.”
The bad news: Your “investor”'s Yakuza boss wants his money back, like, yesterday. Domo arigato.
The good news: You’ve spent all the money on everything you ever wanted.
TBN: You forgot to calculate for the interest on the lawn furniture which sets off a chain reaction causing a bankruptcy and repossession of all that stuff except the lawn furniture and your Spiderman underoos.
TGN: Your Spiderman underoos are incredibly comfortable.
TBN: You had to wear them wet, turning your hoo-haa red and blue.
TGN: You have a coupon for 50% off your favorite food.
Bad News:Your favorite food is liver
… and the good news?
Good News: I won Jim Steinman’s jacket in a raffle (for real!)
The bad news: somebody won Jim Steinman’s deodorant a long time ago, and he didn’t purchase a replacement.
The good news: an insurance company just offered you a $1 million settlement.
The bad news: You realize, only after signing the insurance company’s lengthy fine-print disclaimer to get your money, that you’ve given your permission for them to remove your spleen without anesthesia.
The good news: You miraculously grow another spleen.
The bad news: It’s on the outside
The good news: You sold your screenplay
The bad news: Donald Trump wants to try his hand at directing.
The good news: He’s offered you your choice of Atlantic City showgirls (or beefcake studs) in addition to the mountain of cash you’ve been paid for your screenplay.
TBN: He sues for all the money back when the movie flops and you get crabs from the showgirls/boys.
TGN: Your crabs infestation is a new species and they will be named after you.