TBN: Carrot Top Jr. is born during your trial.
TGN: The Antichrist appears to enjoy prop humor.
The bad news: Carrot Top dies while on top of you, with his junk in you.
The good news: You get a cool $5,000,000 from his estate for “mental anguish.”
TBN pt 2: Which really sucks since you’re a guy.
TBN: The requirement is that you have to continue his act and get the same hair color/perm for the rest of your life.
TGN: Thanks to a stroke, you think Carrot Top is the funniest comedian, ever.
That’s good news?!?!?!?!?
The bad news: You come to your senses.
The good news: You immediately die of shame.
The Bad News: Immediately, but not literally. You’re still alive (and so is this game)
The Good News: Five celebrities that you had in the Death Pool all died on the same day.
The bad news: One of them was your mom.
The good news: You won $5 million from the Death Pool.
The Bad News: you hired Bernie Madoff to manage your newfound wealth.
The Good News: Your 12 year old son got straight A’s on his report card.
TBN: His life’s mission is to become the next Bernie Madoff. A stern note has been sent from your son’s teacher about a lunch money pyramid scheme worth $50k.
TGN: Your vacation starts today.
TBN: You have come down with a rare bacteria and will be quarenteed for a month in your place of business.
TGN: Today’s your birthday, and you have the perfecct cake/ice cream combination.
The bad news: “Perfecct” is the rare bacteria just identified by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The good news: The CDC sends you a certificate of gratitude for letting them study you.
TBN: One of the permanent side effects of the Perfecct bacteria is being cross-eyed, so when you try to hang the certificate, it always looks crooked to you.
TGN: You invent a new formula for chocolate that causes weight loss, not weight gain.
TBN: It also causes terminal acne.
TGN: You just foud $100K in real cash lying on the ground and have afely gotto it to your residence.
The Bad News: You have no idea how to “afely gotto.”
The Good News: You just saved 15% on your car insurance.
The bad news: Your no-goodnik nephew runs you over with his car, and he’s not insured.
The good news: You’re going to Disneyland!
TBN: You got into a car accident and severed your spine. You lose your professional tennis instructor job and are now living on welfare and food stamps. Insurance covered your hospital costs, but since you are now in a motorized wheelchair, you had to do $10k in construction on your house to add ramps (although by the time the construction is finished, your house will be in forclosure.) Your new addiction to Vicodin causes your spouse to leave you and take the children. Your insurance company contacts you and says since you got into the accident 20 days before your policy ended in the calendar year, they’re sending you a refund of 15%, or $60.
TGN: Your new motorized wheelchair rocks.
TGN: You just scored some dynamite weed via perscription.
TBN: The reason that you have a prescription is that you have a horribly painful, wasting disease.
TGN: The new guy that you met seems is a dynamite kisser.
The bad news: He’s not into kissing someone who’s dying of a horribly painful, wasting disease.
The good news: You have some great painkillers.
The bad news: you have greater pain.
The good news: you’re going to be the starting quarterback.
The bad news: It’s for the lowest-ranked team in the NFL, and your teammates are all talentless druggies, thugs, wannabes and/or losers.
The good news: You got a sweet contract.