TBN: Your favorite network is PBS and you’re getting hate mail from Sesame Street fans…in crayon.
TGN: You found a penny.
TBN: You threw your back out picking it up (so much for the good luck, huh).
TGN: You found a cool tea set at the Asian market when you went into the city today.
The bad news: The tea set belongs to an utterly ruthless gang leader, and he’s determined to get it back.
The good news: You’re bulletproof.
tbn: your opponents are equipped with flamethrowers.
tgn: you received an unexpected windfall.
TBN: Literally: The wind fall a tree onto your house, garage, and car.
TGN: Insurance covers all this windfall.
TBN: In order to save money, you upped your deductible last year and now, it would cost less to fix the damage yourself than the deductible would run.
TGN: Your hike in the country today was blissfully mosquito and chigger free.
The Bad news: The giant flying leeches are out in force, though.
The Good News: Your world changing scientific theory has just been corroborated by a famous scientist.
TBN: Too bad that scientist is famous for also “verifying” cold fusion, Bigfoot, and the g-spot.
TGN: You decided to bake a cake and luckily you have exactly the number of eggs necessary.*
- The eggs are not fertilized. You also have all the other necessary ingredients. They are not zombie eggs nor human eggs. They are regular chicken eggs. They have not been irradiated, poisoned, spoiled or farted upon. Many years ago, to avoid dropping and breaking eggs, you had a Flubber kitchen mat installed. You do not live in the Mad Max universe, so there are no roving bands of egg bandits. No meteors, earthquakes, or other acts of God are expected. you checked. On the Internet. Which is never, ever, wrong. The oven, mixer, and all kitchen appliances are working normally and not broken.
The bad news is once you pulled the cake out of the oven, the neighbors dogs all ran into your house, knocked you over, and took your cake.
The good news is your favorite football team just scored the go-ahead touchdown.
TBN: They’re playing soccer.
TGN: You have matching socks.
TBN: The mods found out and banned them 
TGN: You just found a pair of shoes that looks good and is incredibly comfortable. They’re made from purely synthetic materials by well-paid, humanely-treated workers and they cost less than the last pair of shoes you bought!
TBN: you can only sell your soul once
TGN: you have been infected with every disease known to man(yep, thats the good news)
TBN: Your butt itches.
TGN: You scratched your butt.
TBN: While scratching your butt, you popped a huge ass boil and ow have a bunch of pus and blood on the back of your pants. And it happened while you were out on a date with someone you’ve been pursuing for six months.
TGN: You finally got an injunction against your stalker.
TBN: Now you don’t have anything to do. Plus you’re lonely.
TGN: You just won an all-expense paid trip to the pleasure planet Rigel VII.
TBN: It takes 82.61 earth years to get there. And back.
TGN: It’s Friday.
TBN: After paying all your bills, you are now $600 in the hole because rent is due next week.
TGN: An anonymous bidder offers $600 for your kidney.
The bad news is, you just sold one last week for $5.
The good news is … the house next door was just sold for use as a sorority house at the Cheerleading Academy.
TBN: The owners filed their restraining order against you months in advance citing the frequency of “cheerleader,” “surveillance” and “teenage goat” in your Google search history.
TGN: Your birthday present from your girlfriend is a threeway.
The bad news: Carrot Top is the other person invited to the threeway.
The good news: The Supreme Court says you can kill Carrot Top afterwards.