The Bad News: You try it in front of the wrong person and end up hung from a yardarm.
The good News: Your screenplay just got optioned.
The bad news: Now it’ll be in turnaround until… well, forever.
The good news: Ye’ve got yerself a pirate keyboard, ye scurvy dog: http://www.innergeek.us/blog/2007/09/pirate-keyboard.gif
The bad news: Its the only keyboard you have, its 3am, and you have a major paper to finish by tomorrow.
The good news: You have a talking dog
the bad news: He has Tourette’s syndrome, and he never shuts up!
The Good News: The beast who tortured and killed your entire family (including the talking dog) is set to die in the electric chair today.
The bad news: You’re pretty sure he’s innocent after all.
The good news: You have the mythical Midas touch, but can turn it off and on as you please.
The bad news: You got drunk in a mosh pit, got a bit out of control, and now your in jail for the rest of your life.
The good news: You have a jail cell decorated with lots of gold.
The bad news: Other felons force you to turn stuff gold. All. The. Time.
The good news: You have perfect vision.
TBN: You live in an ugly house, are married to an ugly man, have ugly kids and your dog just took this year’s prize for World’s Ugliest Dog.
TGN: You’ve just found the perfect coffee beans.
TBN: They’re made when the cat that shits coffee beans is boiled in dog oil and fed to baby seals, which are then dried in a mortuary oven and ground into coffee with a pestle made out of an aborted baby’s skull during a special Wiccan holiday at the Bush library which was built on 9/11’s ground zero.
TGN: That coffee is on sale this week at Walmart.
The bad news: It’s Walmart.
The good news: They’re making a movie about your life, and you not only get to approve the final script, but they’re letting you choose who will play you in the movie.
TBN: It’s being directed by M. Night Shalayman and he keeps hinting that he himself would be the best choice to play you…and you’re female.
TGN: You have tickets to see the premiere of Pixar’s new film.
The bad news: The early buzz on the movie is that it’s horrible; even Rex Reed calls it “the suckiest Pixar movie ever.”
The good news: Rex Reed has been run over by a steamroller.
TBN: His head survived and continues to review movies.
TGN: According to Rotten Tomatoes, your new film has a “100% guaranteed fresh” rating.
The Bad News: You’re being sued by three friends who claim they helped you write the film, so the royalties will be tied up for years.
The Good News: Another financial lawsuit has just been decided in your favor.
The bad news: The case was decided by the Ulan Bator Sub-District #9 Court, which no one pays any attention to, and the judgments of which are unenforceable.
The good news: The 20 strongest, biggest, most badass dudes in the entire world swear that they will protect you against any and all comers.
TBN: As long as you are in the barrel on Tuesdays.
TGN: You got the 10th stamp on your card for free coffee and doughnuts on your next visit. (Let’s raise the answer quality a little, shall we? The store is not closing tomorrow, the doughnuts/coffee don’t make you sick nor have you developed an allergy to them, you don’t have diabetes, and you don’t lose the card.)
The bad news: Oh, all right. A falling meteor kills you just as you pull up to the doughnut shop.
The good news: The meteor fragment is immediately sold to a natural history museum by your heirs, making them very, very wealthy.
TBN: Suddenly, lightning strikes everybody in your family at the same time, including all the other heirs, so the money goes to Enron.
TGN: You have a lot of Enron stock.
The bad news: You just now heard that the company went under nine years ago.
The good news: Ignorance can be bliss!
The bad news: You’re very, very blissful.
The good news: Your favorite TV network has decided you are the ultimate target demographic, and they’ve hired you (a healthy fee for a few days’ work) to re-cast their top five shows.