The bad news: You get a shock every time you turn on a light, appliance or gadget.
The good news: You’re given the full legal authority to order the painful execution of whichever celebrity you most hate.
You won the game, the thread, the forum, the internet, and all other electronic networks ever conceived. 
The bad news: So many a-holes, so few bullets.
The good news is that you’ve just developed a working warp drive.
The bad news: it’s powered by live (human) babies.
The good news: You just got hold of a book listing the winners of every sporting event to be held in the next 50 years.
The bad news is: Some legitimate Italian businessmen would like to have a conversation with you.
The good news is: They’re bringing your favorite TV series back from cancellation.
The bad news is: The characters all become flanderized, they run out of plot, and they have to use too many cut-away gags. And Billy Ray Cyrus guest stars.
The good news: You’ve just finished writing the best book ever, and sold it for a very nice sum.
The bad news: Your book is being edited by Dan Brown, and you have to split the check with him.
The good news: It will be cold tonight, but you have two fluffy warm kitties to sleep on your bed with you and keep you warm.
The bad news: they have rabies.
The good news: you have just gotten Israel and Palestine to live together in peace
The bad news: … and now that they’re allies, they’re attacking everyone else.
The good news: That co-worker you’re attracted to asks you out on a date.
The bad news: Within moments of sitting down to a fancy dinner with her, she asks, “Have you really thought about whether you have the right insurance coverage…?”
The good news: While walking on the beach near Nags Head, N.C., you discover Blackbeard the Pirate’s enormous treasure trove of doubloons.
The bad news: It’s now directly underneath a bio-warfare research facility.
The good news: You woke up this morning and discovered you had x-ray vision, just like Superman.
the bad news is unlike superman your x-ray vision kills everything you look at, friends, lovers, kittens…
the good news is you got a street named after you
The bad news is they spelled your name wrong on the sign
The good news is your favorite team won the championship
The bad news: Everyone knows they cheated.
The good news: Your flight is on time taking off, has a smooth trip, and lands without any trouble at its scheduled destination, a place where you really wanted to go.
The bad news: You just wish you had gotten to the airport on time.
The good news: The IRS calls you and says you overpaid last year and they’re sending you a refund.
The bad news: Guido says that’s still not enough.
The good news: Harvard is giving you an honorary degree.
TBN: …because you’ve been a Ph.D candidate for 25 years.
TGN: Your ISP is giving you a free upgrade with no additional charges so now your download speed is 100 TB/sec.
TBN: But now your internet service takes a crap every couple of hours. (This actually happened to me on my last upgrade 
).
TGN: The laziest guy on your team is leaving the department.
The Bad News: Because he figures your daughter can support them both now that he’s marrying her.
The Good News: You were in the Oprah audience when she gave everyone a new car.
TBN: It’s a matchbook car.
TGN: It’s “Talk like a pirate” day.