Gender Support Thread for Dopers who are gender diverse, families of trans people, or allies

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hi, everyone! Welcome.

I wanted to offer a thread where everyone who is trans, non-binary, gender queer, gender diverse, two spirited, gender questioning, or other identities can find support. This is also a thread for family members, and for other allies.

I’m hoping this will be a safe and inviting space, where we can share factual information along with our experiences and advice. Whether you have lived with these questions for a long time, or if this is all feeling new (and possibly a bit overwhelming!), you will be welcomed and respected here.

Please - negative commentary about the trans community is not appreciated here. This is a place where people can share difficult stories in an expectation of support and empathy. I would respectfully ask that you please consider the very real feelings and fears of the community’s vulnerable members.

While issues surrounding the trans community have become extremely politicized, politics isn’t really the purpose of this thread, either. I don’t expect for a moment that political discussions won’t arise - I’m only expressing my hope that they don’t become the focus of the thread (Great Debates or Politics would be better places for those discussions), and that they respect the emotions of people whose lives may be directly affected by policy decisions.

This is a place to listen, to share, and to pursue a deeper understanding of challenging questions.

2

And I’m here as the father of a trans boy. He has been through some very difficult times - he first came out to us as trans in 2015. It was 2017 when he was at his lowest, but - since he began gender affirming care and therapy in late 2017, he is in a much better space.

And I could not be more proud of him! His courage, his spirit, and the fact that he has gone from someone with an almost debilitating social anxiety to being a spokesperson for his community who takes no shit - I have nothing but admiration for him and his journey!

3

Hello! I’m genderqueer, and I probably talk about it too much. I’ve also embraced, if not used, “nonbinary”. (When I came out, neither of these terms was available, so I invented my own). I’m a male femme; the body isn’t wrong but people see the body and think of me in a way that doesn’t mesh with how I think of myself. For anyone who has encountered Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters, I’m basically Reese as a boy at the skating rink, wanting to blend in with the girls.

Thank you for starting this thread.

4

My just-posted review of [i]Detransition, Baby[/i]

5

Thank you for the review - I’ll have a look for that, and for your books as well!

And welcome to the thread, @AHunter3 ! May I ask, what pronouns do you prefer?

I should have said that I prefer he/him, but they/them is absolutely fine with me as well (not because I present as anything other than cis-het male, but because I’d like to see the neutral pronouns become more generally accepted).

6

Just here to listen and support.

He/him, if you’re interested

7

Back when I came out, selecting one’s pronouns was not a thing. And it didn’t occur to me to invent it. In the intervening years, nobody established a pronoun that specifically means “body = conventional XY configuration, personality & behavior = feminine type”.

Meanwhile ‘he’ and ‘she’ are both wrong, but I’m not bothered by either one. I get ‘he’ when people can see me (except sometimes when they come up from behind me) and I get 'she" when they haven’t and can’t (phone calls, mostly).

8

Hello, I try to be an ally. My pronouns are he/him.

9

Absolutely. In a political sense, I strongly believe that government should not ‘legislate morality’.
Whatever consenting adults do in private should be between themselves.

My younger daughter is somewhat uncertain about her sexual orientation, but I love her unconditionally and will support whatever choices she makes.

In fact, as humans we are not solitary creatures. We do best when we have at least a comfortable domestic partner, I think?

10

Here basically to listen.

I’m strongly cis female though often gender non-conforming. I don’t think it’s any of my business to tell anybody else what either their gender or their gender-related behavior is or ought to be.

Pronouns either female or neutral. I generally use neutral for others on the boards because I can’t keep track of everybody; please correct me if/when necessary.

11

Hi, here as an ally. One of my 11 year old son’s best friends is a very sweet and smart nonbinary kid, and a good friend has a niece who I’ve known since she was presenting as a little boy. Both of them seem to be doing very well, I’m happy to say.

(He/him)

12

Another ally here.

I’m kind of sad to say I wasn’t always…well, I wasn’t as understanding as I could have been and dismissed a lot of trans talk as nonsense, when I should have been more of a listener. I won’t go into the specifics of how I felt back then, because it’s embarassingly uninformed. A queer girlfriend steered me toward more understanding, and having a ton of friends over the past decade come out as gay, come out as trans, or who had kids or family members that came out as trans is what did it for me. Because I’m a cishet male, I won’t speak to anyone’s experience, even my close friends, but I can listen, and contribute in a way that (I’ll try) won’t make my posts About Me.

13

Another strong ally here, with a very dear friend, in fact one of the loves of my life, in the process of transitioning right now. I hope to be sensible and supportive during this process and after, and though I’ve always had a positive and supportive attitude towards trans issues since I first heard about it (which was decades ago), as a cishet male I fear I still have some deeply ingrained, subliminal prejudice which was implanted in my upbringing, but I hope to overcome all of it. Thanks for starting this thread, I hope and believe it will go well, unlike other threads here in former times. The Dope has become a much more trans-friendly place in the last years.

14

Cishet, but, exploring more than questioning, now that I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I have that freedom(cishetflex? I dunno). Definitely an ally
I’m firmly a he/him

15

She/her. Strong ally.

Back before AIDS, I was a happy floozy. I enjoyed sex and felt that as long as I wasn’t breaking up relationships or hurting people, anything goes between consenting adults.

I got judged harshly for this and swore I would never judge anyone else for what they did as long as nobody got hurt.

I don’t understand being gender diverse, but I have long understood that it isn’t a choice (why would anyone choose to live a “lifestyle” that is so hated and despised?) and how could I possibly blame anyone for being different than me?

16

Father and ally. Eldest now first came out as lesbian at 15, and later at University started to identify as gender fluid non binary.

Son came out as trans 3 days before starting high school. A lot of suicidal ideation that did a 180 within a week of his first testosterone shot. Had topless surgery at 17, spent senior year of high school no longer wearing a chest binder, did all the official name and gender changes himself last summer before going off to University. Staight A’s so far and has a nice boyfriend.

Both are doing well and I’m proud of them.

17

Ally here.

I had a friend years ago who decided to transition. He was a “regular guy,” who enjoyed sports, boozing, bullshitting, and most of the rest of the things we regular guys do. He had a real macho job (police officer), and had even been shot once or twice. But there were indications that he wasn’t always happy.

Then, he announced that he was going to transition. He told us why, and while I won’t get into all of it, it made sense. To me, anyway; it cost him a lot of friends. It also cost him his marriage, and his house, which his ex-wife got in the ensuing divorce.

Like I said, it cost him a lot of friends. I was not among them. He was still a friend, and I watched him become her over time. I was introduced to her friends at social gatherings, and found some really remarkable people, who I enjoyed meeting. And had to admire, for all that they went through.

I asked her why she was so happy now,
She said, "I finally like myself. At last, I like myself.

So sang Happy Chapin in “Sequel,” the follow-up song to “Taxi,” and those two lines sum it up. These people finally liked who they were, and they were finally happy. That’s what matters; that we have a happy life, and if such a large change affords happiness, well, let it.

So yes, having seen it, I’m definitely an ally.

18

Cishet woman. Strong tomboy tendencies which has occasionally caused me trouble, but nothing like what most folks refereed to in the OP face. On line I don’t care about what pronouns people use for me as long as they’re respectful. Ally of the entire LGBTQ+ spectrum.

19

I’ve been judged for my fetish in the past, and it left me with psychological scars; you have my sympathies.

I haven’t had a lot of opportunities to serve as an ally for the trans community. I’ve argued here and in another forum for sympathy toward the difficulties faced by transgendered people and for not being so squeamish about which bathrooms people use. I can’t say that I’ve ever knowingly met a transgendered person in person, but that may be about to change, as an acquaintance will probably be hiring a transgendered person in the near future. I’ll look forward to the chance to meet them and just act like, you know, everything’s fine - because it is.

20

Speaking very broadly, my internal checks whenever I encounter someone who (for whatever reason) is doing something I find unfamiliar or weird or offputting or unsettling or < insert other adjectives here > are to ask myself:

  • Does this actually affect my life in any real way?
  • Is any harm occurring?

If the answer to both is no, I figure it’s a “me” problem and deal with it accordingly.