I’m an ally. I’m a not-entirely-straight, not-entirely-cis male; both of those are things that I’ve only come to really realize about myself in the last decade or so (I’m 58 now).
I have several dear friends who have, in recent years, come out as transgender, or non-binary, and that has helped open my eyes about the topic.
I’ve had similar thoughts, myself. When I was a teenager, I simply didn’t know that there was such a thing as non-binary gender; I’d heard of a few cases of what was, then, called transsexuals – in particular, AMAB people who had had gender-reassignment surgery, which was always seen as something that was very fringe, and very strange. However, even dating back to grade school, I’d always had closer friendships with girls than with boys, and the more macho aspects of boy/male cultural roles made me uncomfortable.
Having now seen several children of friends of mine come out as non-binary, gender-fluid, or otherwise questioning, when they were in high school, I think that, if I were a teenager in this era, I likely would have begun to self-identify as non-binary, if not female.
I want to shoutout all the allies and supportive people. Thank you so much for being willing to listen. That’s 90% of what most of us would ever want from people: that you just give us a listen, a real listen. Many of us (perhaps most of us, although I’m not sure myself) are confident that if you’d just listen to us, we make perfect sense and everyone would be able to relate, at least eventually (might require a chance to ask a bunch of questions).
Yes, and also, I’ve always known that gender is a spectrum, not a binary, and that i am more comfortable with people of either sex who aren’t too close to the end points. That is, there are people who are very feminine women, and very masculine men, and they aren’t the ones I’m comfortable hanging out with. Most of my closer friends are men with some feminine traits, or women with some masculine traits, or these days, i have a lot of non-binary and gender-non-conforming friends.
My only complaint with people who identify differently (gender) is it seems fraught for me to guess how they would like to be addressed. I had a sandwich shop around the corner which had a sign on the counter telling customers to not assume gender. But, there was no guidance on how they would like to be referred as. (FWIW they made outrageously great sandwiches)
I am 100% happy to refer to anyone with whatever name and pronouns they prefer. Just let me know.
If they do not tell me I am not sure they should be bugged if I get it wrong. I will always try my best but sometimes it is not clear what the person prefers.
In most retail situations I don’t find it necessary to use potentially gendered pronouns at all. Generally I’m talking directly to the person, and second person pronouns aren’t gendered in English. If I need to refer to somebody else, usually something like ‘the person who (waited on me before) (is in charge of that department) (or whatever)’ will work.
In fact, i have put “any pronouns” in my profile in places where i felt the need to offer up pronouns. For instance, there was a huge kerfuffle over pronouns in my professional organization, and i felt i had to stand on the side of “people who support offering pronouns”, so that’s what i posted.
But in general, i just leave that field blank when that seems like an acceptable option.
If someone says “any pronouns”, you won’t get it wrong, the person has no strong preference, and neither you nor they should be bugged if you just pick whatever feels easy to you.
I don’t really understand why there’s a problem with pronouns?
If one is communicating directly by voice or writing, the person addressed is ‘you’.
Seems a bit of a storm in a teacup to me. But I’m open to hearing about possible cases where it might be considered offensive, and would try to be be considerate if it bothers anyone…?
It can happen here easily (on this message board).
@xtenkfarpl gives me no clue about your gender or how you like to be referred to. If you are part of the discussion I may say “she” said when it should be something else. With no other indication I can only guess and it may annoy you if you prefer another pronoun.
The third person, definitely. If that person is across the room (such as the waiter/server example being discussed earlier in this thread), they could well overhear having the wrong pronoun being applied. And, if the person you are talking to is a friend/ally of the person in question, they too may not be happy about the wrong pronoun being used.
That said, the OP specifically asked for this thread to be for support for gender-diverse people, not yet another thread where people insist “but I just don’t get why pronouns are a big deal.” We’ve had plenty of other threads here for that sort of discussion and explanation.
There are also those in the greater public discourse who deliberately mis-gender people as a gesture of disrespect. This has come up with certain news presenters, and YouTube celebrity commentators. Often, it is passed off as something along the lines of ‘Oh, it really shouldn’t matter.’, though it sometimes reaches the level of ‘You can’t tell me what to call someone; I reject this authoritarian wokeness.’. That’s when pronouns can become a political statement.
As Bertrand Russell said: love is better than hate.
To me, that’s the answer right there - I use someone’s preferred pronouns and preferred name to show my respect for them and their journey, in the hope that our relationship and conversation will only develop further from there.