Hey, here’s a question to ask of the SDMB - I’m starting to compile a list of links to fact-based, peer-reviewed studies that show the efficacy of gender-affirming care. I’m particularly interested in studies that are accessible to a general reader.
If any of you have any that you particularly recommend, please list them here.
My wife and I have made it a point from their earliest years to let our kids know that it doesn’t matter who they love or how they identify, we love and support them. My 15-year-old son told us within the past year they he thinks he’s non-binary. Hasn’t asked us to update his pronouns. Recently he updated that to say he thinks he’s gender non-conforming. He’s autistic, and I’ve read that wrestling with gender is somewhat common for people with ASD, even that there’s an autigender. Perhaps that’s where he’ll ultimately land.
He’s not your typical “boy,” but yet he’s always, since he was little, actively avoided “girly” things- makes it a point to NOT watch any shows or movies that are girl-focused, won’t go into stores like Claire’s when we’re at the mall and his sister wants to go in, never wanted to play with girls, closest friends have always been guys, is uncomfortable in situations where he’s the only boy, etc.
Two examples of screwing up pronouns in front of the person being misgendered, from my own life:
When I was on a date with a trans guy, and the waiter asked which of us had ordered a drink, I said, “That’s hers.” (Embarrassing as hell, and he was remarkably gracious about it. Only time I ever made that mistake.)
Playing a board game with another cis guy, and my wife/then-girlfriend, who’s a transwoman: the cis guy said something like, “I can’t go there, he’s already got his token on that spot.” I thought he was talking to her, referring to one of my pieces, and by the time I realized what he said, it seemed like it would be more embarrassing to her to point it out. He managed to do it two more times - I didn’t even notice the second, and on the third one, she blew up at him and the game ended.
To his credit, he was deeply embarrassed himself, and later gave her a very sincere apology, which she accepted. She still won’t play board games with him any more. He was particularly upset with himself, because he’s a social studies teacher, and he’d just done a unit with his class on trans issues, and the importance of not deadnaming people and getting their pronouns right.
There are quite a lot of situations in real life where you’re referring to someone who is present in the third person. Especially in professional settings.
Also, speaking as someone old enough that it doesn’t come naturally to me to update the pronoun tags in my brain… If you practice using correct pronouns when the stakes are low (talking about friends at the dinner table, when it’s just me and my husband there) you are a lot less likely to mess up when it really matters.
For those now relatively uncommon (though they used to be standard) cases in which one’s addressing a person with a usually-gendered title, it’s also some indication as to which title to use. I suppose we could all default to Mx., but not everyone even recognizes that yet.
I get email or snail mail from people in professional contexts sometimes, and sometimes they’ve given no clue – they just signed it as Firstname Lastname. Should I open my return email or written letter with Ms., Mr., Mx.? Should I jump right to the first name used alone? Should I use the rather stilted and to me at least weird looking “Dear Firstname Lastname”?
– it occurs to me, however, that once in a while I’ve done the same thing to them.
I think it falls in line with support of the OP to say this is a two way street. I am happy to use whatever pronouns/ways to address a person I am speaking to wants me to use but I should be told and not expected to guess. If I do guess, I am not sure the other person should take offense if I get it wrong (e.g. someone I have never met and I do not know better). Should I ask a stranger how they want to be referred to? Is that potentially offensive to someone who is not gender diverse? I don’t know…I really am not sure of the proper etiquette.
We have a lifetime of habit defaulting to a he/she way of speaking. It will take some time to re-align those speech patterns. I, for one, am happy to try. Please help me out.
The polite way to do this is to say, “hi I’m Whack-a-mole. I use he/him pronouns.” That gives a very natural opening for the other person to give you their name and pronouns.
I find that people who care generally find a way to let you know. Although… My dance group is very queer, and we give out (optional) pronoun tags to go with the name tags we wear. But if i already know someone’s name, I’m not always good about checking their badges. So sometimes I’m late to learn new names and pronouns.
Actually, no, it doesn’t. People who don’t immediately look like their gender already know they have to work, all the time, every day, to get the rest of us to gender them correctly. Your whining about the burdon on you is not supportive.
I have a question for all of you non straight folks. I have an ally badge on my fanny pack that I wear. It’s rainbowed but I’ve been thinking about getting another that’s non-rainbow and more generic in that way. Which would you prefer? I think that having a rainbow could flag for people who don’t know too much about this sort of thing but who may be questioning or figuring it all out, but there’s also the matter of it being not too inconspicuous. I don’t mind wearing a rainbow colored badge around with the word ally on it and I only got it when I gave the other badge away that was just white and black so I know experience from either direction. What might you prefer, or would it even matter to you in the event having an ally present with a badge would be good for you?
Here in Canada we are celebrating PIE day on Thursday, March 14th - it’s an initiative of the United Church of Canada, and the initials stand for “Public, Intentional, and Explicit”. It’s an important day because much of the homophobic and transphobic rhetoric focuses on how ‘Christians’ are inherently anti-LGTBQ2S+ - this is a Christian denomination that performed the first legal same-sex marriages and pushed for the cause of equal marriage in Canada, and they are proud to be affirming of the equality and dignity of all gender expressions and sexualities.
I’m not religious myself, but it does seem to me that here in the UK the Church of England seems to be quite liberal and inclusive these days. Which I can only applaud.
It was not always so, of course, and there are probably still reactionary holdouts here and there…
I find this remarkable and am very happy about it, but I wonder how significant this is. Can you tell what percentage of Christians/whole population in Canada are in that Church?
ETA: silly me, I sometimes forget that there’s a thing like Google. So it’s the second biggest Church after the Catholics in Canada. That speaks for something, so much the better. How is the stance of officials, clergy and laity in the Canadian Catholic Church? We all know that the Vatican’s stance still is discriminatory and vile (just regard the latest slamming of “gender ideology” by Pope Francis), but at least here in Germany, many things have changed for the better in the last few years.
Good to hear. Last time i was in England, my son was ringing tower bells, and i went to the services at some of the churches he rang at. The only one i really remember was extremely reactionary. But the celebrant was quite old, and there weren’t a ton of people there, so maybe it was a declining outlier.
I can’t claim a deep acquaintance with current C of E positions, though their website seems to be saying good things.
But one of my oldest friends from University was, until recently when ill health forced him to resign, Canon of Bangor Cathedral in north wales. We have often hashed moral and philosophical topics deep into the night over a few glasses of wine.
Of course, he is a very liberal and open-minded fellow, which is why we have remained friends for so long…
I keep underscoring the importance of citing the evidence and opinions of organizations representing qualified medical and scientific practitioners - many of the anti-trans politicians continually refer to ‘gender ideology’, when the truth is, the facts are on the side of gender affirming care. It is the conservative politicians who rely on ‘ideology’ to push their agenda. This may not carry much weight with the base, but at some point, these politicians will have to admit that they don’t understand/don’t have the qualifications to refute the evidence.
And for anyone who hasn’t seen the film “The Merchants of Doubt”, or read the book - this is straight out of the playbook that delayed anti-smoking legislation, anti-acid rain legislation, anti-flame retardant legislation, and anti-climate change legislation.
(And Ah! does it ever feel good to be able to share a news link! The Facebook/Instagram ban on Canadians posting news articles is beyond irritating!)