No matter if you play in band or do any other kind of work, you’ll always encounter assholes like this. You have to live with them and avoid to bring up politics yourself, or quit, as hard as it sounds.
My child is a 16yo who came out to her friends and teachers, her mom, and me about a year and a half ago… she has picked a new name (she’s actually on her second, but this one seems like the one) and grown her hair out, and she sometimes wears skirts and other clothing that is more feminine. I’m cool with all of this; I just want her to be a curious and kind person, and I hope she finds happiness in her life.
But to my family, she’s still known by her given name, and I never wanted to force her to come out to anybody she wasn’t comfortable doing so to. However, her HS graduation is coming up next summer, and her diploma will likely have her chosen name on it (I’m not actually sure of the process for this or any future effects of having a new name on her HS diploma, but she’s changed her name within the school’s computer systems, so I just assume she’ll put her chosen name on her diploma too), so those of my family members who choose to come help us celebrate are going to figure it out then whether my child likes it or not.
I come from a deep-red part of Indiana, and I have reason to believe that some or most of my family members will react poorly to this, so my child has asked me to have the coming-out conversations with my family members. Have any of you done this? Any advice? I think I just need to let them know and allow them to process the news in their own time, but I also want to make sure (somehow?) that they’re actually using factual information about trans teenagers and my kid’s transition specifically to inform their thoughts and feelings about it. How much info do I provide unprompted, knowing that they may not reach out to me specifically with any questions that they think of? Do I explain my expectations for their behavior around my child right away, or do I wait on that till the next time they’ll see her?
I feel like I’m prepared for the emotional fallout of letting them know, and generally prepared for the actual structure of the conversation, but I’ve been known to verbally vomit when I’m uncomfortable or feeling defensive, so I want to keep it as concise as possible by planning ahead of time and getting feedback on how to handle this. Also, the conversation with my dad will be complicated by the fact that I’ve mostly cut contact with him because of his support for Trump… I feel like knowing about my trans child will help him understand, but I also don’t think that the news will change anything about his support of Trump, which may just be the last straw for our relationship. I’m not entirely sure what I feel about that part.
Idk, I’m not sure how to wrap this post up, so I’ll just leave it there. Any advice anyone here can offer would be helpful.
I agree that it will be helpful to give them time and privacy to process this information. Rather than plan to tell them everything, find a small number of online resources (1-3 links) with appropriate trans 101 info. The two main categories i think you want to cover are:
How do i interact with a trans person?
What does it mean (in very broad terms) that a person is trans?
The first should cover things like pronouns and dread names and that it’s rude to ask about other people’s medical status.
The second should include a little info about the range of physical and social changes different trans people choose to make. (If your daughter has just grown out her hair and started to wear women’s clothing, but hasn’t done anything medical, the background info should include that as a possibility. A lot of people assume that “trans” means full medical transition with top and bottom surgery.)
Then you can tell the person, answer the questions you are comfortable answering, and give them the links.
A little distance can be helpful, so it’s kind of you to help by providing that distance. My son’s ex-spouse (whom i am still friendly with) is non-binary. They tell major news to their mother, and ask their mother to pass it along to their father. I have been the bearer of some news, like their child’s chosen name (which they don’t use). They are still very fond of their parents. These things are complicated and awkward.
I like this idea, thank you!
After those, I’d add a third:
Affirm your relationship with your child, that you love them, respect them, and want the best for their life. And remind them that as family, they should as well.
I’d do that first, and in person.
The two items were meant to be stuff in online links, so the relative could look that stuff up later, on their own, from a good site. And I’d offer to answer questions, of course. But i wouldn’t try to dump all that info on them in the one phone call (or lunch, or whatever.) I’d stick to something short. “Before you come to the graduation, I wanted to let you know that my eldest child is a trans girl, and she goes by ‘Sally’.”
Then the stuff about loving my daughter, and all that. And then a promise of emailed or texted links to sites that have information they might be interested in. And then a reminder to please call my daughter “Sally” when you see her, and i hope you can support her, too.
Or something asking those lines.
Good advice above.
And I know you already know this, but from personal experience it’s easy to forget in the heat of the moment: your number one priority is protecting your kid. You don’t need to manage everyone else’s feelings or respect their viewpoints if those views harm your daughter. If relatives can’t treat your daughter respectfully, they don’t get to come. Don’t cave in to guilt trips. Use your judgment if you think they can behave, and don’t feel bad disinviting them if you can’t trust them.
None of that needs to happen immediately. Let them process things and (hopefully) ask questions, then you can decide as graduation approaches.
well said
All the above, and furthermore, if your daughter has a supportive friend or two who they get along well with and who interacts well with grownups, it could be really beneficial for the friend(s) to tag along on some of the family events so your daughter feels somebody’s got her back. (I know you and other family members will have her back, but you’ll have other responsibilities and duties as a host as well, so a peer companion who “gets it” can be a good stress reliever.)
That said, sometimes what a family gathering needs most is an unexpected diversion to distract them from the family member in the “hot seat”. Any plans to get a new puppy, or have some interesting or spectacular surgical treatment, or find a body in the library, or develop any other conversation starter for graduation weekend that isn’t about gender identity?