At my work, we recently hired a new person. In my view, she dresses like a fairly butch lesbian. She rocks a non-gender-specific name (vaguely androgynous, generally a male name, but with a different spelling than any standard male version).
She is obviously biologically female - the body is right, and she has mentioned in passing her periods, so she’s obviously somewhat comfortable with that. However, I’ve also heard her refer to herself as “Uncle [so and so]” when talking about her friends’ kids. She’s also referred to herself as “as gay as they come” in a conversation about lesbian bars.
I like her a lot and I don’t really care how she identifies, but today at work there was a brief debate about what the correct pronoun was when talking about her. And since she’s my co-worker, I’d like to refer to her in the way that would make her happiest. Honestly, she doesn’t seem to care much, but that could just be a defense mechanism (ie, not wanting to identify as a different gender in a relatively new workplace).
My natural inclination is to take her aside for a minute and ask her what her preferred pronoun is - does she prefer to be thought of as a he or a she?
I also realize it can be a lot more complicated than that, so my other inclination is to leave it the heck alone and get corrected if I’m wrong.
(And my apologies for any perceived insensitivity - I really do mean well. And I’ve used female pronouns because they seem to fit and because it seems really bad to call someone I like “it”, which really seems the only neutral option.)
Right, and that’s the default I’m using right now. (And I think she understands that.)
But FWIW, I’m a straight female, and I’ve never referred to myself as “Uncle.” And I know plenty of lesbians, and most of them are quite comfortable referring to themselves with feminine pronouns. Even most of the more “butch” lesbians I know think of themselves as female.
I guess I’m wondering whether I should ask her point blank what she likes, or just leave it alone.
Go with “she.” Even if she’s a butch lesbian, that’ll be how she thinks of herself… and if she prefers “he,” she’ll tell you. The ‘Uncle’ thing is a bit of butch humor, and doesn’t necessarily mean she thinks of herself as male.
Just to put you at ease, a lot of lesbians use the word ‘gay’ to refer to themselves, and queer folk have been known to use cross-gender words to refer to ourselves - I have one or two guy aunties out there, too.
I’d say if your co-worker doesn’t show any discomfort now that you’re using “she”, you might as well stay with that, although keep your ears open for anything different, or in case she puts any additional emphasis on trans issues*, or the like. (You could, for example, refer to the subject yourself in such a way as to indicate that you are supportive of trans issues and that you could be counted on to be supportive if your co-worker had anything to inform you of.)
In any case, I’m pleased you’re showing sensitivity to this question and would be prepared to respect the co-worker’s own identification and pronouns. The workplace can be a very difficult place for trans and gender non-conforming people - including those who simply break gender stereotypes for the gender they identify as.
Not an infallible guide. Since I’m interested in these issues, on a few occasions I’ve been read as FTM, which is quite flattering but would also make me the tallest trans guy in existence.
It can be a touch more complicated than that. One of my sister’s team mates emailed everyone only going into playoffs that the preferred pronoun was “he” even though he had started the transition from female to male, quite some time ago. But he was a bit shy about asking everyone to “Please call me Mr. Smith.” Taken aside privately, he’s a lot more relaxed about it. It was a queer league too, so you’d figure it’s one of the more open and friendly groups of people when it comes to such things, but he was still very uncomfortable about correcting people and asserting his pronoun preference. Didn’t want to rock the boat, even though everyone was pefectly accepting.
Since I only go to watch the odd game, I was making a holy mess when it came to talking to/about him end of season. “Oh, could you grab a beer for him too? She’s almost done the one he’s got.” :smack:
You could alwyas just ask the simple question, “Um Terry, you say you refer to yourself as Uncle Terry. Do you have a pronoun preference?”
Yeah. I changed my name a couple of years ago, and it was torturous. People use my old name and I am too courteous to correct them, so the name I think of myself as (the new one) isn’t what most people call me. It’s very weird, I know. But I was so ingrained with the “it’s rude to correct someone” idea, that I can’t stand up for myself on the issue. But if someone asks me if I want to be referred to by my second name, I say yes, I do.
I’d say just ask your coworker. If you’re friendly, I can see no reason for offense.
I think this is pretty much the route I’m going to take. I didn’t know about the “Uncle” thing; that explains away one of the more confusing aspects. She’s never really struck me as being FTM (I’ve known one or two) but that phrasing kind of threw me.
I would agree with all the votes for “she”. My brother in law is gay. Flambouantly gay. He likes to dress in drag occasionally, but for the most part looks and dresses like a guy. He refers to himself in male pronouns, as do we. But our kids call him “Aunt James*” – it’s a term of endearment that means we acknowledge and respect his sexuality. Meh. Just my experience.
I wouldn’t set too much store by the uncle thing. I’ve previously been known as Auntie Zelie, Sir! by kids and it didn’t mean I identified as anything other than female.
Go with the norm, she is female so refer to her in that manner. If she feels uncomfortable with that then she’ll no doubt correct you.
Yeah, but the OP was talking about someone who is genderqueer. My sister is a lesbian, but she’s not genderqueer, she is most definitely a woman and prefers female pronouns.
Note: I also took it at face value that the OP’s co-worker is genderqueer and not just a really butch/androgynous lesbian. My sister dated a woman who was often mistaken for a good looking, skinny guy, but that girl still very much identitifed as a woman 100%. (The short hair was because she palyed a lot of sports and the faux hawk was easier to manage under a hockey helmet).
Huge quesiton there, Lad. Someone who is genderqueer identifies as neither male nor female, OR idenitifes as both, OR identifies as some combination of the two.
So sometimes they prefer gender neutral pronouns, like “ze”, “zer” (as mentioned above), but that often gets cumbersome because it’s hard for other people to adapt (if they even know such an option exists).
