Get Bad Advice from Milossarian

[Fugazi]

Milo said:

However, my advice to a fool who has fallen in love? Double-cross your local loan shark instead. It’s a little less painful and doesn’t cost you as much.

Hey, I thought this was the bad advise thread. This sounds like good advise to me.

[SanibelMan]

Dear Milo,

My cat appearantly got something in her eye when she was outside the other night, and it’s been swollen shut ever since. We’ve taken her to the vet, who gave her antibiotics, but it hasn’t helped. So now I’m sitting here with her in my lap and a dull butter knife on my desk, and I want to ask: How can I help?

Thanks in advance,

Sani

[magdalene]

Dear Milossarian,

My roommate is taking me to see The Vagina Monologues this weekend. What should I wear?

P.S. What kind of beer do unbearably brilliant and attractive journalists-types like best?

[Milossarian]

Cranky:

**Milo, this brilliant, funny journalist guy that I thought was well-nigh unbearably attractive when I met him just made an offhand comment about Lawrence Welk reruns. I know Detroit public TV runs them and frankly, I LOVE them. They remind me of my childhood (back when three channels were ALL we got). How do I get over my hurt feelings? Should I keep this to myself so he doesn’t think I’m a loser?

**
Point out the error of this guy’s ways by showing up at his doorstep, dressed in one of those extremely hot outfits the female singers used to wear on the “Welk” show, and bring your accordian. Who could resist?

Kat:

**Dear Milo–

Last week, my dragon ate the mailman. I just finished going through all the undelivered mail in his bag, and there was no cash in any of them. What do I do now?

**
Send in all of the Publisher’s Clearinghouse numbers, filling in your name on each entry form. Then sell everything you own and prepare for a lifestyle of the rich and famous after your inevitable win!

Fugazi:

**Milo said:

However, my advice to a fool who has fallen in love? Double-cross your local loan shark instead. It’s a little less painful and doesn’t cost you as much.

Hey, I thought this was the bad advise thread. This sounds like good advise to me.

**
(Shit … I was hoping no one would notice that.)

Go away kid; ya bother me.

Sani:

**Dear Milo,

My cat appearantly got something in her eye when she was outside the other night, and it’s been swollen shut ever since. We’ve taken her to the vet, who gave her antibiotics, but it hasn’t helped. So now I’m sitting here with her in my lap and a dull butter knife on my desk, and I want to ask: How can I help?

Thanks in advance,

Sani

**
Cold usually helps bring down swelling. Do you have a freezer you can place the cat in for a couple of hours?

And you shouldn’t leave knives laying around, even those of the dull, butter variety. Put it someplace where a youngster isn’t going to find it.

If you have a fuse box, remove one of the fuses and wedge it into the space. It will hold it in place for easy-grab access at a later time.

[Egad]

Dear Milo,

You know how certain individuals have multiple-personality disorders? Well recently a bunch of my " friends " and I developed a singular-personality disorder. How do we get our various personalities bac? At this point, how can he be sure we even had any?

[inor]

sur ;"

1 uve thes ses thee basmet. bute thenit wile stink’
uthere sess th reevvere) but ten wate iff et flots?
tenh poees gete me.
wante theem both sutupp"

How?
Mbivlunte

[semicharmed]

Milo,

For my first post I am asking your advice: I have a horrible habit of reading the SD message boards for three hours straight instead of working on the stuff I am supposed to be doing while at school. Is there a cure for this horrible malady? Why is my teacher standing maniacally behind me whilst I write this? Where do I find one of those neeto eleeto sig lines to put in?

semi

[Zebra]

The other night I was doing my usual thing… thinking about my mother and polishing the bishop. Then suddenly, out of the blue, I started thinking about the three Japanese gymnists who live next door to me who happen to be triplets.

My question

Is it normal to have these kind of thoughts about women other than your mother? (or should I kill them like mother commands?)

Another question

I would like to get my post count up. If I started a thread where people would post to it expecting a reply from me that would make my numbers skyrocket. However the Welcom Wagon and the bad advice threads are done. What thread should I start?

Thank you

[inor]

sure{
iha v fiksd theme.8
tha sotup* gude naw:
ent thikn no! reveri etn No!! besmetn

NONONONONO

berbku. ye!S

nawo>

Yu plase tele mei gud kee anty.
dsidid.

[Falcon]

Oh good LORD…Milo’s gonna flip when he sees this has been resurrected…

[jab1]

*Originally posted by woodstockbirdybird *
Milo,
The other night I got really drunk and accidentally ate a poodle. I could live with this minor social faux pas, except that it was really quite tasty - better than Red Lobster!

Damn near anything tastes better than the stuff they serve at “Dead” Lobster.

Milo: How can I get out of jury duty? I’ve just received my third notice. I couldn’t understand all of it, but I did notice the word “penalty” a lot. What does it mean?

[Milossarian]

Thanks so much, Drain Bead! Old buddy! Old chum! I so missed this thread.

How do you like your vengeance? I’ll give you some time to think about it. Or, maybe I won’t.

**Dear Milo,

You know how certain individuals have multiple-personality disorders? Well recently a bunch of my “friends” and I developed a singular-personality disorder. How do we get our various personalities bac? At this point, how can he be sure we even had any? **

Try breaking into the Ebola lab at the Centers for Disease Control, for an overnight session of uninhibited monkey-love. The individual expressions of passion by all of you should help you return to your normal state of blandness.

inor? iignore.

semi:

**Milo,

For my first post I am asking your advice: I have a horrible habit of reading the SD message boards for three hours straight instead of working on the stuff I am supposed to be doing while at school. Is there a cure for this horrible malady? Why is my teacher standing maniacally behind me whilst I write this? Where do I find one of those neeto eleeto sig lines to put in?

semi

**
What? You haven’t dropped out yet?

Tell your teacher that The Straight Dope has more relevance and intelligence than her nine months of pedantic babble could ever hope to. Then grab her boob. Trust me. She’ll love it.

As for your sig line? You should go with, “N’Sync is the Greatest Rock Band in the History of the World!”

Zebra:

** The other night I was doing my usual thing… thinking about my mother and polishing the bishop. Then suddenly, out of the blue, I started thinking about the three Japanese gymnists who live next door to me who happen to be triplets.

My question

Is it normal to have these kind of thoughts about women other than your mother? (or should I kill them like mother commands?)

**
Japanese triplets? With the body control of gymnasts? Ewwwww!

Just keep eating your Mom’s Spanish Fly cookies and keep your daydreams to yourself.

**I would like to get my post count up. If I started a thread where people would post to it expecting a reply from me that would make my numbers skyrocket. However the Welcom Wagon and the bad advice threads are done. What thread should I start?

**
I think you should carefully monitor the actions of every moderator and administrator on this board; then start a Pit thread after every one, criticizing the action they took.

jab:

**Milo: How can I get out of jury duty? I’ve just received my third notice. I couldn’t understand all of it, but I did notice the word “penalty” a lot. What does it mean?

**
Call the court incessantly until you get the judge him- or herself on the line. Then say you’re not coming to jury duty, because it will cut into your busy schedule manufacturing heroin out of a lab in your home. And say you hear he/she is a sucky judge, anyway.

[katiekilldare]

Milo,

I’ve just been given the magical ability to control someone like a puppet. Whom should I choose and what shall I have them do?

Thanks a bunch,

katie

[katiekilldare]

Milo,

I’ve just been given the magical ability to control someone like a puppet. Whom should I choose and what shall I have them do?

Thanks a bunch,

katie

[katiekilldare]

Dear Milo,

I’ve just noticed that my magical abilities extend beyond the puppetry. It seems my posts are inexplicably multiplying. Thoughts?

katie

[Milossarian]

katie:
Have you ever considered becoming a rabbit-rancher?

[JohnBarleycorn]

Dear Milo,

I’ve got a blind date tommorow night. I met her on Yahoo 6 months ago and we’ve been chatting every night. Tomorrow will be our first date in person. Her screen name is Earl69. I recently emailed her my pic and she remarked that I had a “purty mouth”. What should I wear? Should I go with the casual yet conservative or the laid-back partygoer look?

[penael]

My friends have bet me that I can’t eat forty eggs in an hour. I saw this in a movie once and it only took a couple of minutes in REAL-time! Should I take them up on it, or do I have to be a movie star first?

[Phaeton]

I’m leaving the job I hate in 59 days to go adventuring on the other side of the world. How can I leave a lasting impression and inflict the kind of tortures that I want to on them with least effort?

Also where’s the best place in London, Edinburgh & Dublin (for now) to have a drink and some laughs?

[Marvel]

I’m planning on having wild, protection-free sex with any total stranget I pick up tongiht because I’m horney as hell. What position do you most recommend?

Also, I notice my used tampons come out looking a lovely shade of red. Should I recycle them into Christmas ornaments?

Horny and Drippy,
Patty