…perhaps I should take some spelling lessons as well?
JB-
**
I would recommend something in pig skin. And a tear-away, velcro thong.
penael:
**
Have at it! It’s best to use uncooked eggs that have sat at room temperature for a month or so.
Phaeton:
**
I suggest working extra hours every day. Do your own job, and other people’s as well. They’ll hate that!
As for the best place for a drink: any old pub will do. Be sure to take part in an old custom - when you enter any bar, yell at the top of your lungs, “This American can drink any of you limey pussies under the table - and then pick you up and kick your ass.”
Over there, that’s similar to, “Hi there, friends. How’s it going?”
Marvel
**
I recommend standing up in a hammock. Christmas ornaments? No. Tea bags, or sucker-like appetizers? Sure.
About 20 years ago, I was a pity-me person addicted to damn near everything. I decided to clean up my act, and have given up pills, pot, alcohol, smokes, food binges and recently coffee. I realize I’ve run out of things to give up! What do you recommend.
I also read “Hannibal” and Mia Farrow’s “What Falls Away” on the same day. Since then, I’ve wondered: Who is a worse person, Hannibal Lecter or Woody Allen?
Lately I haven’t noticed any blood in my bowel movements, I’m worried that my circulatory system might not be functioning properly. What should I do to make sure that my rectum isn’t being cut off from my blood supply? Eat more fiber?
Milo
I’m afraid that if I don’t post to this thread, you will use that moment of reprieve to realize there is something in the real world you’d rather be doing – like, I dunno… having sex, or eating… something crazy like that. And none of us really want that (especially me, since I’m not getting any lately – do you think having a shower and brushing my teeth would help this? Or should I continue to refuse payment to the water commission until they concede they have no moral right to demand money for a natural resource?).
On the other hand, I’m afraid that if I do post to this thread it will become tainted with self-referentialism and other really icky postmodernist stuff – why, next thing we know it could be deconstructing banal aspects of modern culture! And none of us really want that.
I’m sure you appreciate the horns of my terrible dilemna. What should I do?
Pheremone and Halitosis Enhanced Wingnut
Annie:
**
You haven’t taken up kleptomania or nymphomania yet. Combine them, and be obsessed with having sex with burglars. Go with it for a year or so, and then you’ll have new things to give up!
**
Sorry. Cecil gives answers. I do advice.
Dignan:
**
Didn’t you see Satan’s earlier posts? All you have to do is go see Drain Bead. 
nothamlet: The only solution I see for you is to invest everything you have in DaimlerChrysler stock, paying particular attention to its American operations. And encourage all of your family and friends to do the same. Especially if you have a grandparent or two who is barely getting by.
It’s going places!
Dear Milo,
I think my sister is really hot and I want to have relations w/ her, but I think my mom will get jealous, and she is dating my older brother. What should I do to win her love?
Horny in the backwoods
Milo, I’ve moved into a bigger apartment, and a whole bedroom is going unused. I’ve decided to start a meth lab in there, but I’m not sure what the appropriate fee is to have the local police “look the other way.” Can you give me a ballpark figure? I’m sure I can handle it from there.
Milo seems to be ignoring you, so I’ll come to your rescue.
Go to http://www.mindspring.com/~alanh/life/ where you will find several different versions of Life. One is sure to be compatible with your computer. However, the author notes “E-mail the author with any questions, comments, bugs, or ideas. No, I will not help you with your school assignment, and I don’t have any C/C++ or Pascal source code for Life.” But heck, he’s got versions for 32-bit programs, Win3.1, Mac, and even Unix! He’s got a lot of links, too.
Milo,
I was recently pulled over and given a speeding ticket. I don’t want the ticket on my record and I don’t want to pay the fine. Should I sleep with the judge or the trooper who wrote the ticket?
Lynn: Good, helpful advice will not be tolerated in this thread. 
Sojourn:
**
You already “have relations” with her. What’s the problem? Try putting on your “Square Dancing for When You’re in The Mood” CD.
Fingers:
Figures vary from precinct to precinct, city to city. Your best bet would be to go to your local police station and talk to a detective in the Narcotics Division about it.
Spaz:
**
The only sure way to expunge this from your record is to break into the police station and your local district court office on the same night and destroy all of their computers.
Dear Milo
I recently saw this movie called Fight Club. It kind of got me thinking: what if the destruction of ourselves and the society we’ve built is really the way forward. Let’s face it, capitalism has had a chance and has been unable to provide us with the ability to live on the moon.
Do you think that this is a reasonable way forward, and if so (or even not) how should I go about starting up my own fight club?
P.S.- What should I do about my friends who say that movies with violence influence people in a negative way?
GRJ - You want to get groups of like-minded people together, and have a leadership role, and transform the world? Sell Avon products, or Amway, or perhaps Tupperware.
Dear Milo:
A serious question. May I use this as my sig?
There were at least two other sig-worthy lines in this thread that just about killed me.
As for my advice needs, I’d sure like to live the high life. But can Miller beer fulfill its promise to lead me to that high life? How will I know when I’m actually living the high life? What other avenues, aside from Miller beer, can I use to reach this high life? Is there more to it than squatting over a walnut?
Well I intend to use the following as a new sig, unless the participants object:
Jodi, enjoy with my compliments…