Get off my plane, mind-melded Fundie zealots!

So I am flying back from Minneapolis Sunday. I am at Charlotte waiting for my connecting flight home, a flight which was supposed to leave at 8:55 PM. Due to either bad weather or incompetant airlines (depending on whom you ask), I see immediately that the flight is delayed until 10:35. Blah.

While waiting, I see a bunch of people wearing some ministries tee-shirt. It becomes obvious to me that I am in the midst of a church trip.

At first I thought, well, more power to them. In fact, since I was reading a great book about various Fundamentalist movements throughout history, I was hoping that one of them might see what I was reading and ask me about it. Maybe spark an intelligent discussion.

The thought that whatever money they spent on this trip could have been better spent - maybe by helping people and making a difference - crossed my mind. But, you know, maybe everyone there do contribute money and time for charities befitting someone who follows Christ, and everyone deserves a vacation now and then.

My tolerance ended immediately when the airlines announced that the plane was getting in a bit earlier than 10:30 and they bumped the time of departure up to 10. One of the Fundies starts a chorus which then echoes through the airport about how we should “Praise Jesus for Him making the flight get there earlier.”

I bit my tongue, realizing that nothing good would come from pointing out the obvious: It was the least the big guy could do, what with still delaying us an hour from our original departure time.

“Thanks Jesus, for making us not as late.” :rolleyes:

So anyway, I am biting my tongue and they start to line us up to board the plane. At this point, a member of the group is sitting in his chair. He appears to be holding some medication in his hands - I am guessing for air sickness.

A woman in the group clutches his hands around the pills, gets on her knees and starts very loudly speaking in tongues - or Spanish, I don’t know, the only thing I can make out is “Jesus” every ten words or so - praying for him not to puke on the flight, I guess?

Then, everyone else starts going into that trance-like state - you know, the kind that makes you think maybe you could lift their wallet without them knowing if only they ould stop quivering? And everyone starts praying very loudly for a safe flight.

My head is exploding at this point. I am thinking, I am going to share a plane with them. Help. Please. Lord, hear my (silent) prayers and take me now.

Taking the cue from the woman in front of me who said loudly enough to be heard that if she was in the same row as these freaks, she would drink the entire flight, I decided to make it that I would not get talked to by these freaks.

First, I comment loud enough for those close to me in line to hear, “What is that verse in the Bible again? The one about how praying aloud for the benefit of man is not pleasing to God?”

Then, just in case someone thought of me as a “Get out of Hell free card” conversion, I commented about how I was going to start a rather loud Satanic ritual that people around me would have to listen to.

Fortunately my seat was not near them, and I put on my headphones so I wouldn’t have to deal with anything else the whole trip. I was able to briskly deplane ahead of the gaggle of them, and didn’t have to worry about the shuttle bus being blessed before it took me to my car.

I mean, next time, I am hoping I’ll have a plane full of crying toddlers instead. Maybe a sky-jacking.

Oh, and in case someone has a problem with me having problem with these people, felch me with a crazy straw, thanks. If you really think I hate all people who are religious, or even Christian, you don’t know me.

I hate people who act like this, specifically, and that day that groups of atheists launch into loud soliloquies in public about their hopes that random chance and an unsafe pilot would not cause our plane to go down, and do so in a manner which is designed to convert me to their Godless ways is the day I make a Pit post about them too.

Yer pal,

Three months, one week, three days, 21 hours, 9 minutes and 21 seconds.
4075 cigarettes not smoked, saving $509.41.
Life saved: 2 weeks, 3 hours, 35 minutes.

Thanks, yourself, Satan. I had to shut my office door for a few minutes after I read that one.

Glad to see you had a good trip, Satan. :slight_smile: Hope you’ll come back to Minnesota again soon.

A friend of mine has one of these St. Christopher badges on his dash. He bought the car second hand and never bothered to take it out. But what the hell are these people thinking? There’s someone watching over you while your aquaplaning over the motorway in a thunderstorm? Are you such a crap driver that you’ll take ANY divine protection?

That’s not religion - it’s superstition. Planes crash because of defects or pilot errors. Not because of some sort of sadistic Pink Unicorn who happens to be the CEO of the Big Plane Scrapyard in the Sky.

Seems like you and I discussed that “hide your light under a bushel” biblical phrase at some time in the past. You set me pretty straight on that…you should have taken the time to set them straight as well.

On second thought, you would have been wasting your time.

At the risk of sounding great debatish, these people are so absolutely convinced that what they are doing is what it takes to get into heaven that it makes my lil ole leap of faith one or two Sundays out of the month pale in comparison. Awww well…

See you in hell brother.

Great rant 8.3

I remember meeting some fundies that had on these really creepy shirts. It said “Hand over your sould to Jesus and no one gets hurt” I stayed the fuck away from them

A friend of mine had a brother who was a “Jeezoid”. It was as if saving a sould would get him a better prize. “Hey! He’s going for the toaster-oven!”

I’m anticipating the acquisition of a car sometime in the future, so I can get a Jesus, Darwin, and Buddha fish and line 'em up all in a row…

A couple of years ago I had a bout of bronchitis and one day at work I had a coughing fit. I was doing one of my regulars, who was very, very religious. She always lectured me about God. Anyway, that day after I got a drink of water and continued to do her, she asked if she could pray for me to make sure I get better. I thought, “What the heck. She’d trying to be kind and it won’t hurt anything.” Then, to my surprise, she grabbed me and held me very close and started praying out loud (almost yelling!).

I didn’t know what to do so I let her finish and acted like nothing happened when she was done (I did thank her when she was done to be polite). A lot of people asked me what that was all about. I told them and they looked at me funny.

Don’t forget the satan fish. that’s my favorite

ooh, haven’t seen a satan fish!

Here is a link with all sorts of fish. Allthough it’s satan fish isn’t the cool one I’ve seen around San Francisco.

That one is rather simple, It has a pointy tail, horns, and says satan. Much better than the one they have on this site. If anyone can find an online link to it, please post.

wow. i love religion. it provides so many opportunities to make fun of people.
(I have to say as a random note that my favorite televangelist is Benny Hinn.)
Am I massively hijacking this thread here?

Lol, I’d be scared too, to get on such a divine plane!

Bless this thread! :smiley:

Naah, this thread’s going straight to hell. I have it on the authority of the void itself, the source of everything. I must commune with nothingness by doing something. I think I’ll post. (Q: Hey, if all is void, and all is one, how is hell different from anyplace else? A: It isn’t. Welcome to non-being.)

Well, I wouldn’t mind being on a plane with them, if it crashed.

I mean, I might be able to slip through The Pearly Gates in the crowd.

I was going to post an intelligent, funny, well thought out, off the cuff reply to the OP about religious super freaks who want to shove their beliefs down other people’s throats.

But I took a call from the dumbest fuckin’ lady on Earth, so I forgot what I was going to say.

You can all thank this lady for causing you to miss out on what quite possibly could have turned out to be one of the greatest posts of all time.




(now why the hell did I post that?, I wonder as I press Submit Reply.)

I think you’re referring to Matthew 6:5, 6:6. Of course, it doesn’t do any good bringing it up to a Fundie, because they’ll usually respond with something like, “Oh, that passage was intended for the Pharisees, not people like US.”

When I was ten years old I went to a huge family reunion. At one point, I drifted away from the people of my closer family, and somehow ended up in the midst of my second cousins.

Now, there was an interesting thing I didn’t know about them before this point. They were christians. Not just christians. We’re talkin’ christians! Not just the guy you know who wears a cross and sort of believes in heaven or something. I mean the apple-pie eating, mini-van driving, bible carrying, baseball playing, All-American, blonde haired, blued eyed, straight arrowed, promise keeping, patriotic, Christian Rock listeners who populate the overworld. Where the sun lives.

But I digress. I’m a boy who was raised by a flower-child and a cynical former astrology teacher. This was not my crowd. They actually scared me (it took me a while to realize that I was the weird one). But they were pleasent enough. They recognized me somewhat and chatted about this and that. Somehow, the conversation (their conversation, not mine. I was just trying to leave without being imopolite) turned towards God. And suddenly they’re asking me if I’ve been baptised. If I believe in God. If I’ve accepted Jesus into my heart. I was ten fuckin’ years old! The only idol that had any place in my heart was Wolverine!

The really fucked up thing is, it was almost choreographed. First I’m talking to the adult, and then some kids my age and little bit older and step in. Kids that I can “relate” to. Telling me that the Bible is a great book. I read part of the Bible, I could never get past the first twenty pages. It’s the most boring book I’ve ever read.
Eventually I claimed explosive diarrhea and got the hell out o there. Namely, the hell that was myself. I never again came close to them again, although my mom gave them a thorough reaming.

To this day, the straight arrow converters still creep me out. To she point of shudders.