Oy, I got gas just reading that post, Satan (fortunately reading SqrlCub’s helped me to pass it).
My all-time favorite Jeezer button reads, “You’d smile too if you were going to Heaven.”
Pompous pricks.
Esprix
Satan,
As you are no doubt aware (since you caused this) a man attending an evangelical convention at Madison Square Garden got hit on the head by a 6 x 4 foot concrete slab that fell off of a building at 33rd and 7th Avenue (his wife immediately dropped to her knees and started to pray even though he was conscious and might have liked to hear, “Please honey, don’t die” or something). Anyway, after 4 hours of surgery and 1 1/2 days of major praying (by an entire convention, no less), the man will be fine.
The “convention crusade director” noted that the man was in good spirits and might even be able to attend their “miracle healing service” on Saturday. Not that he needs it of course, since “We know he was blessed, there was a divine intervention.” (All quotes courtesy of the NY Daily News).
So where do you come in? Pamela Smith, 31, a fashion designer from Harlem said, "Satan was busy–Satan was just doing his work. He [the man, not Satan] was being blessed here at the conference, and Satan just wanted to interrupt.
They’re on to you, man.
Does anyone else have the mental image now of Satan in full mountain-climbing gear, lashed to the side of a gothic cathedral, furiously using hammer and chisel upon a gargoyle, while a beaming man (beaming with Jesus’ love, of course) stands below in the center ring of a crudely painted bull’s eye, blissfully whistling away his troubles?
Or have I been watching too many Road Runner cartoons lately?
(Watch out, Satan! The fundies can actually run through those fake tunnels you paint because they have faith, but you will merely get your face flattened due to your atheistic ways…
Apparently, I didn’t get enough sleep last night. My apologies.)
Ceejaytee: I’ll aim better next time, I promise.
And I notice that you have (as of this post) 66 posts. Very impressive tie-in. You will no doubt work in promotions or public relations some day.
Kyla: The book is called *The Battle For God[/i8] by Karen Armstrong. And I like it very much and highly recommend it. In fact, the best recommendation i saw was at Amazon’s reader reviews of the book - most everyone liked it to a degree except for one person who panned it. That person was a Fundie Christian whose complaint essentially was that Armstrong did not realize that Fundamentalism and specifically Christian Fundamentalism is the ONLY WAY and how her book is blasphemy.
If that isn’t a great reason to get a book, I don’t know what is… :rolleyes:
Yer pal,
Satan
I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Three months, one week, four days, 18 hours, 4 minutes and 38 seconds.
4110 cigarettes not smoked, saving $513.76.
Life saved: 2 weeks, 6 hours, 30 minutes.
I don’t sh’pose someone like myself belongs where I am. That is, Texas, home of the Southern Baptist.
We had the Moonies come to my college to try and recruit people. They were gently but firmly told to leave. Then the President of the college saw a bunch of big black limos pull up one day and guys in black with walkie-talkies all jump out and run into the woods. So he called the cops and had them arrested. Later, the school made some local (NY) news when the paper found out that we had had the Reverend Moon himself arrested.
Creepy religious stuff always gets me running for cover.
Ah the moonies. They’re still thick here in the Bay Area. Everytime a movie with sex in it comes out they go and picket it.
One of the signs said 'Play with others, not with yourself"
I think the other one said “Study your book, not yourself”
or some bullcrap like that.
Next time be more aggressive.
Hey, you holy rollers! If you want to see a miracle, keep standing there like that. Cuz if I don’t get to the bathroom soon we’re all going to be walking on fucking water!
Kind of a jolt going from one to the other isn’t it? A bit like downshifting from 4th to third, accidentaly hitting 1st, and seeing the engine fly out of the car.
Uh… maybe I’m missing something, but… what the fuck?!?
Ouch!
A similar experience:
I briefly dated a girl whose 15 year old sister was killed on TWA flight 800 a few years ago. The day after it happened, a man walked up to her and asked her if her sister was a Christian.
“Yes,” she replied.
“Good, because you know where she’d be going if she wasn’t!”
If it had been me, I’d have knocked the guy out right then and there.
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
– P.J. O’Rourke
I’m ordering a Fish-N-Chips thingie right after I post this. It’s just too funny–and thanks for the links!!
Last weekend a church group were staying in the same hotel that we were. Being youth, away from home on a fun trip, there was inordinate amount of stomping around in the halls, shrieking, yelling, slamming doors, etc. I was mildly tolerant (this means glaring at them, and giving an occasional “shhhhhh” instead of calling the desk or knocking on a door and asking their leader to get them under control). I mean, hell, I remember being young and I hated to totally squelch them. But they were seriously disturbing my kid, who kept waking up from the weird noises. It was starting to piss me off.
Well, I’ll be goddamned if the next morning I didn’t see plastered, all over the hotel, little posters inviting guests to join them in a singing session in the lobby at 10:30. For reasons I cannot put my finger on, this just sent me over the edge. I’m thinking, didn’t I get enough of your “joyful noise” last night? It actually was a small thing (who cares if they sing, and who cares if they invite everyone) but for some reason it felt like the last straw…
Where this post was supposed to go is anyone’s guess… [goes in search of coffee]
didnt Ministry have an Album called “Jesus built my HotRod” ?
Actually, they had a single and video called “Jesus Built My Hot Rod.” Gibby Hayes from The Butthole Surfers sang on it. It was on an album of a different name - Psalm 69, I believe.
I have displayed proudly the promotional “Jesus Built My Hot Rod” motor oil that I was sent by their management back then too! 
Anyway, enough of that tangent… More stories about irritating fundies!
Yer pal,
Satan
I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Three months, one week, five days, 12 hours, 58 minutes and 4 seconds.
4141 cigarettes not smoked, saving $517.70.
Life saved: 2 weeks, 9 hours, 5 minutes.
That’s MISTER Christopher to you, Coldie.
Magdalene, you rock!
The other day a friend told me he heard the local VBS (vacation bible school) had a bounty for students who brought in non-believers. Reminded me of that conversion video game on the Simpsons. Bart said, “Got one.” And the other kid said, “Naw, you just winged him. He’s a Unitarian.”
Quite a few years ago, I was going to a “baptist” church that was in the middle of one of those laughing deals, where everyone would start laughing hilariously and lying on the floors.
One lady from there came over to visit us, with my friend(who also went there), and prayed over my son, whom she said had a bad eye. But she prayed and said it was healed then! Wel! How nice. Lets see some proof there was ever anything wrong with it!
His eyes are 20/20, having been checked a few months ago.
Her friend, whom I told that my son’s toy vacuum was making sounds on its own, came over and prayed over my house. The demons were causing my son’s toy to act up,as it were. Well, she did pray, and it didnt act up anymore…
I have no problems with God and Jesus-they seem like pretty nice guys.
It’s their FOLLOWERS I can’t stand.
[hijack]
Are you Guin from customerssuck? I haven’t posted there in a loooooooong time, but I still read the boards every now and again. How are you?
[/hijack]
As for the OP, I live in Bible-thumper country, but I have NEVER seen a group like that operate here. I guess they don’t need to :rolleyes: I get the usual “heathen” comments, but I’ve never run across a group of fundies in T-shirts. (Wouldn’t it be better to donate the money it took to make those to the Church or charities?)
Yep, I am indeed Guin from Customerssuck! I’m good, and you?
On a related note, I once found a religious tract in (of all places) the handicapped bathroom stale in the lady’s room at Krapmart.
My story:
About four years ago, I went with some friends to an Autumnal Equinox celebration sponsored by an open Wiccan circle. It was held over the course of a weekend on a private camping ground on the Brazos river. Across the river was a Christian retreat.
Now, when you get a lot of Pagans together, there’s bound to be some nudity, tons of alcohol, and a lot of drumming and dancing. I went skyclad or topless the entire time I was there and had a blast.
The year I was there, we didn’t have a problem. The high priest had some of the others string up a few sheets in strategic areas so the Christians across the river couldn’t see too much (but they tried, oh they tried. There were usually five or six of them straining to get a peak.).
The previous year, however, the Christians called the cops on the Pagans four separate times. Usually for being naked, but once for holding the Circle. Each time the cops came over, they established that it was private property, the campground owner had no problem with the nudity, and that nothing other than nudity was happening. The high priest and priestess offered them food and refreshment, and the rest of the group waved and said hi. The last time, the cops went back over to the Christians and told them to shut up and stop harassing the Pagans.
The only complaint we had that year was that the Christians continued to play very loud rock music until three a.m. while our drummers quit by midnight and no one else was playing the radio.