Let’s try this again:
How can I get my dog to stop drinking from the toilet?
Nuke him from orbit- it’s the only way to be sure.
5-4-Fighting, three questions: How much do you love your ladle? Would you be willing to become “one” with it, so to speak? Also, are the depth’s of depravity anywhere near Orlando?
Electrical Storm, cat fights are always good. A good hair pulling shreiking, scratching match will teach her to respect her elders. Plus, your boss will see jus how commited you are to your job. You’ll probably get a raise. If you could somehow make this happen in a big vat of jello, things’ll be sure to end in your favor.
Autolycus, Autolycus, Autolycus, the answer to your question is staring you right in the face. Let’s look at the word dog. It bears similarities to a certain other word doesn’t it (hint: read it backwards). This gentle creature has claimed that shiny bowl as his own, and you’d best learn to deal with it. Start peeing in the sink from now on.
Money’s not an issue. Just borrow whatever you need and don’t worry about the debt. It won’t be due until sometime in the future. And who knows what will happen in the future? You might win the lottery and then all that time you spent worrying will have been wasted.
Animals are in tune with nature and sense things people don’t. So your dog must know what he’s doing. The question you should be asking is why aren’t you following his example?
I have received an interesting business offer from Nigeria. It stands to make me a multi-millionaire within the week at negligible cost to myself. Should I go for it?
Of course ! Nigeria is the number one source of world economic growth. Forget “negligible cost”; you want to maximize your investment, to maximize your gains. Liquidate everything, and send it over; if you have both kidneys, sell one to scrape up that much more to invest. You might have to stay over at a friend’s for a while after selling your house, but that will only be until the profits come rolling in.
I think you’re actually going in the wrong direction here. From my many years of experience in corporate management, this sounds like a classic case of an in-the-closet lesbian coming on to an older, more experienced and more powerful colleague. She’s trying to get your attention and elicit an emotional response – any emotional response. Sounds like you’ve noticed. Invite her out for drinks, let her know you’re open to “extra-curricular” activities and then bed the little bitch. Once you own her sexually, it’ll be easy to rein her in on the job by sharing her most intimate secrets with your fellow executives. You might even want to pass her around among your colleagues to complete the humiliation. And, of course, gets lots and lots of pictures of your activities, which you’ll want to share with the rest of us on the boards.
Maybe you should listen to her.
a) No, the second law of thermodynamics does not disprove evolution.
b) Yes, we did go to the Moon.
c) Yes, you do have a piece of spinach in your teeth.
Dump the fiance and start dating exotic fruit.
That advice also applies to his revised/resubmitted question.
As we all know, there’s no problem that can’t be solved by an orbital nuking.
My boss has recently hired a smokin’ hot college girl to staff the reception desk where I work. She’s hinted that she’d really like to sleep with me (she smiles at me, knows my name, that kind of stuff) but I need a really creative way of telling her that I’m interested, too. Our workplace has this really rigid rule about not visiting porn sites, but I’d really like to e-mail this chick some photos of things I’d like to do with her, because I think she’ll take the hint. Should I ignore the ban on porn for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?
No. Rules is rules. My advice would be to walk up to her and whip it out, and say “This goes in your mouth, bitch.” It’s unambiguous and gets the job done. And you won’t get in trouble for sending porn, so you’re golden. Win/win.
Dear Omega Glory,
Please advise. I’ve been in a steady relationship with a cougar named Grouchy for 32 happy months. Just yesterday, however, he growled at me and I got really scared. Without much thought, I ran out of the house, jumped into my school bus (I’m a school bus driver) and accidentally picked up 23 pre-schoolers. Grouchy chased behind (he can often run faster than I drive) so I took a detour onto a winding mountain road, hoping to lose him. I took a turn too fast and the back end of the school bus teetered off of a cliff (can you believe my luck?). Grouchy approached, saying that he was just trying to apologize, and we embraced through the driver-side window. Just then, a T. Rex nudged the bus with his nose and we all started to panic. My question is are the number of months Grouchy and I have been together a palindrome of the number of children I accidentally picked up in the school bus for a reason? Or is it just a coincidence? This is driving me crazy.
Thanks a bill,
Qazzz
It’s not a coincidence. It’s a sure sign that you’re meant to be together, for awhile anyway. Look at the number of letters in the names Qazzz and Grouchy, 13 right? Thirteen, and 23 have the three in common, but 13 is 10 less than 23, so you’ll be together ten years and will have many children, one of whom will be a lizard, sorry (that’s actually what’s going the break you two up…the T Rex is more involved than he’s letting on).
You. Are. A. God.
Dear Omega Glory,
I have a problem with men. Most of the interesting ones I’ve met lately have girlfriends. And you know what they say, a guy who’ll leave someone else for you will eventually leave you for someone else, so I don’t think breaking them up is the way to go. What do I do, though?
Elfie
If you think you have a problem with men now, just wait until you find one.
Still, you might approach it from another direction and start stalking billionaires. Don’t worry about the “interesting” part – anyone who’s brought down a billion smackeroos is certain to have had enough life experiences that qualify as “interesting.”
There’s no reason to break up the existing relationship. You can be the something “on the side”. This way, everything will work out the best for everyone.