Based on what I’ve seen come up again and again on these boards, make sure you legally protect yourself, regardless of how you feel about each other now or how amicable things are going. This is (probably) your first divorce; any good lawyer you hire will have tons of experience and be able to guide you through things you don’t even know you don’t know.
I was going to come in and post something, but this really covers it. Get your own lawyer and go over everything with him or her. Get recommendations from friends on who is a good family lawyer. Know what your options are and what the court is likely to do in this situation.
Oakminster’s advice on social media is spot on and often overlooked by the parties. It’s discoverable. They can’t use what you haven’t aired out. Don’t post something that the other side can pull and try to use to discredit you.
I can’t give any examples, because it’s not my area of practice, but I have heard from colleagues in other area of law who always check the opposing party’s Facebook account, do google searches on the opposing party’s name, and so on. They’ve told me that they “not infrequently” find stuff that the other party has posted that helps their client (e.g. - pictures of a plaintiff in a personal injury action dancing up a storm; mom in a custody battle posting drunken pictures at a party).
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Assuming the OP’s name is actually FoieGrasIsEvil, I can see your point. :rolleyes:
Of course, his wife could know his username also. But I would assume that the OP would know if his posts here are confidential or not. I guess, if it got really nasty, his wife could subpoena his computer and hire a techy to search his internet history if she was suspicious and didn’t know his username.
Omar, earlier this year my niece ran off to Alabama with an over-age guy I’d never heard of. Within minutes of finding out, I was able to discover his real name, address, and a lot of other things through my niece’s Facebook page. Don’t underestimate the trail you leave on the internet.
That’s great. Now tell me what my real name is.
Why the rolleyes, Omar? Northern Piper is telling you what his colleagues actually do, not speculating on what is possible. I have a feeling that in spite of never having given my whole name here, it would take someone who knows how to search about 15 seconds to find me if they really wanted to, which is why I try to keep the rule of not posting things I don’t want to see on the front page of my local newspaper in mind.
We used to talk about shit coloured glasses ie the opposite of rose coloured glasses.
When going through separation people find themselves using these and it can make everything nastier than it has to be - and of course probably both parties are using them. Not easy to take them off entirely but it can really help to at least remember you’re wearing them.
Otara
Guys thanks for the input. I really want to tell the story of how I got to where I am now, but for one, it probably really doesn’t matter and for two, as some have noted, I have to be really careful about putting any ammunition in the hands of my wife to use against me.
I have contacted a female divorce attorney that came highly recommended, and I will meet with her later this month. My wife has claimed she already has an attorney as well. I really, really hope we can settle on an amicable schedule for our sons without the court being forced to decide for us.
Maybe attempting to be the primary custodian shouldn’t be my goal if I am trying to keep things from being acrimonious. And I sure as shit don’t want to pay her alimony. We’ve been together for 11 years and married for almost 6 (June 15th would be our 6th anniversary) but she can surely get herself another job and pay her own way.
Since our separation in late December, she lost her good job (and our health insurance along with it…another $250 a month I wish I didn’t have to pay for) and then found another about a month or so ago and has now been fired from that job as well.
I don’t get a penny from her for the kids daycare (which costs as much as my mortgage!) or for anything else. In fact, I have been giving her money throughout this entire separation, so she can have gas to ferry the kids around when she has them on weekends, be able to take them to the movies, etc.
OK…I think I should stop with the details. Kinda breaking my own rule here!
But any additional advice is certainly welcome. Keep it coming. This is my first divorce and I want to be prepared for anything and everything.
Actually I’d like to keep the visitation schedule as is: I have them Monday through Friday afternoon, and she gets them from Friday afternoon until late Sunday afternoon.
It makes more sense for me to have them throughout the week especially once school starts again, as I live very close to their school compared to her and the school has a latchkey program where I can drop them off at 6:30am on my way to work and pick them up around 5pm after work.
I just think she won’t accept that arrangement as she feels she isn’t getting enough time with them. The fact of the matter is that I hope we can remain amicable and keep the custody somewhat open-ended so she would be able to call me and say “would it be okay if I had the kids for all of next week? I’d like to take them to visit my mother” or something like that and I would be totally cool with that.
I don’t want to keep them from her, at all. But I do think they are better off with me for a variety of reasons, amongst them the previously mentioned proximity to school, also their diet (they eat nothing but crap when they are with her), hygiene (she doesn’t regularly enforce tooth brushing), discipline (they run roughshod over her in a lot of ways and she lets them stay up waaaay too late…like 1am), etcetera.
And there I go breaking the rule again. This is hard!
I have to ask about this. Is the stipulation that the ex can’t move, or that the kids can’t move?
The ex cannot move without prior consent which by extension, means that the children cannot move either. That would prevent the custodial parent (the mother in most cases) from up and moving halfway across the state/country/world should she decide she needs a change. The intent here is to preserve the children’s relationship with the non-custodial parent.
This advice will be a little different, and it’s just my own personal experience, so you have to weigh this against whatever your situation is… But for my divorce, which was amicable, we used a mediator, and it worked out very well. The mediator was an attorney and I think he also had some degree in counseling. My ex and I had to both agree not to use our own attorneys. It worked out very well. Also our legal fees were very low.
A couple of years later we had to renegotiate something about child support, and he used an attorney, and I will tell you that attorneys will just fight with each other for the hell of it, it’s how they make their money and feel important.
But I can see how in other circumstances it would be better to have two lawyers, so you will have to decide…
Sorry to hear what you’re going through, but dude stop breaking that rule!
View from the outside - I have never been divorced, but I’ve seen plenty of them.
You don’t have to hate someone to divorce them.
Hmm. Seems to me that the intent would be better served by explicitly mandating that the kids can’t move without consent of both parents.
IANAL, but I’d been in situations which absolutely require one. It is their job to fight hard for their client, and there are business situations where I’ve gone to attorneys and said that I just them to make sure that the i’s are dotted and the t’s crossed, and to not be aggressive. That works as well.
Where mediation works best is when both parties are open to negotiating, understand that they won’t win 100% and are reasonable. If the other side is psycho, then you pretty much need to have a lawyer.
My ex-wife and I handled our divorce ourselves. She got much more than what the courts would have given her, and I got the divorce quicker, so it worked out better for both. Not everyone can be reasonable that way, though, and we didn’t have kids to worry about.
Go immediately to a site called dadsdivorce.com and look in the fourums for an article called “the list”. Follow it to the letter. Remember, no matter how civil and nice you want to be you MUST protect yourself and more importantly protect your relationship with your children. I went through a divorce, didn’t protect myself because I wanted to take the high road and have ended up in post divorce hell. Do all you can to be sure that you have time with your children and you are not giving up any rights when it comes to them.
Or you could stipulate that if one spouse moves more than X miles away from such and such city, that the other spouse gets full custody of the kids.
My lawyer kicked ass during my (relatively simple) divorce. He isn’t cheap (offices off Hyde Park Square, if you get my drift) but he’s worth every penny. PM me if you want a referral.