You asked earlier if the money you’ve been giving her unofficially since the separation counts for anything. If my experience counts for anything, the answer is… probably. If you can prove that you gave her the money, and/or she’s willing to state on the record that you gave it to her, that amount should be taken in to account if/when any alimony agreement or financial settlement is worked out.
I can’t give you much help on the psychological front - I was the one who left. Also, we don’t have kids. Even then, it took me a close to a year to detach for good. She’d call every couple of weeks, and for whatever reason, I felt obligated to talk to her. It took her calling while I was in the middle of some heavy petting with a date, and a small panic attack on my part, for me to realize that I was better off cutting off all contact.
Cool, thanks. She is basically cutting me off from all communication (having a no-contact order slapped against me certainly helps) and that doesn’t really bother me so much but she’s starting to ignore phone calls and messages from our boys, which is NOT cool, at all.
The boys are with me Sunday evening through Friday late afternoon and with their Mom over the weekends. This is by mutual agreement for now, but the last time I did speak with her she told me she was seeking shared custody whereby neither of us paid the other for child support, that she wasn’t interested in the house or anything monetary…just more time with the kids than she gets now.
I don’t know how I feel about that. On the one hand, I certainly don’t wish to deprive them of time with their Mother, on the other…if she can’t even be arsed for two straight days to accept a phone call or a text message from my 9 year old…what does that say about her? I feel conflicted and somewhat confused by this whole affair. This is my first and hopefully my only divorce.
reallyreallyreally try to stay positive. Never divorced myself, but observing my parents divorce, the big thing that shifted my mom’s attitude from being upset and bitter all the time to ambivalent about my dad was putting the focus on living her own life. Once she was able to really enjoy doing what she loved (music), stuff about my dad didn’t bother her so much.
She used to get upset about time we spend with her vs time we spend with my dad (both my brother and I are adults now). But eventually she came to the point that its our decision, and seeing one person over another isn’t necessarily a personal thing.
Definitely work out holidays. My life is complicated because I have two sets of parents (like you dread the prospect of) plus my fiancees family since we are getting married. her and I had arguments over how we are going to break it down. I was upset because I came to the realization that I would miss out on seeing half my entire family each year to make it fair. She doesn’t want to give up spending xmas with her family every other year simply so I can see my whole family- I’m the one that will have to alternate. But either way I slice it its unfair to someone…at least I’ll be able to see some of my family each year shrug
Take care of yourself in terms of your sobriety…this because any big life change can really take a toll on recovery and if things with your ex get bad, you don’t want to give her any ammunition.
That’s why I told him to keep a journal. I’ve had one for a year now and I wrote down a ton of things in it. Best way to make sure you remember everything. I hand write mine so no one can say I changed dates or something.
Since there is already a “no contact” order against you, amicable is out the window. You need to be thinking in terms of legally binding agreements for how custody and visitation will work (ie. get a lawyer and expect to be spending a lot of time hashing this out).
You cannot control what she does or doesn’t allow the children to do when they are with her. Say that three times out loud. Stop worrying about little things like what you posted above or you’ll wear yourself out.
It sounds like it may too late for this, but if it’s even remotely an option for you I would strongly recommend exploring a collaborative divorce. It saved me thousands of dollars in the beginning and, I believe, laid the groundwork for more amicable relationship going forward. Here’s a link: Collaborative Divorce
Your greatest fears are almost never realized. It’s easy to see the sky falling, but it won’t.
Be kind to your self; and to her. Leave with your dignity, and don’t damage hers.
Invest your heart and soul in being the best dad In The Whole World. It will pay dividends not just for you, but your boys. And it will pay for the rest of their lives.
Keep adult conservations to the adults. That’s often hard. Try harder.
Don’t get wrapped around axle over the small details, like property division. You can get it all back.
Find meaning. For most of us, our lives had meaning in our marriages. (and other things) Start with your boys. **And then fill the void. **Take up a hobby. Volunteer. Go to church. Do something.
Rebound relationships often retard growth. If feels great to have someone tell you’re wonderful, but if you’re doing that to avoid dealing with your pain, it will rear its head later on. Thats uncool.
You’re running a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient. It will get better-----in time.
One of my refrigerator magnets:
"Then when it seems we will never smile again, life comes back"