I know there are some dopers out there who grew up with absent or mostly absent fathers, so I’m curious if anyone else goes through this.
I frequently get what I call “father crushes” on men (I’m a woman), typically someone in an autoritative position, and generally older. I feel very weird about it, but I try to take it in stride because I know what it is. Maybe I confuse my initial affection for someone in that position with fatherly feelings because I don’t really understand that kind of affection.
It’s very similar to having a crush on someone, but not sexual necessarily (although I admit to having fantasies occasionally, [TMI?]). I’ve learned to kind of ignore it and it goes away eventually.
I’m going through it now, and it will be interesting to see how I handle the feelings this time…
Sorry if I sound disjointed, it’s hard to articulate how it feels. Any other fatherless dopers experience this or am I totally crazy?
I’ve been on the other side of this more than a few times.
Sometimes it is just a tad bit annoying, if it includes a situation where I might have felt a corresponding adult sexual attraction. I can’t do that with an ortho daughter. It’s just not something I can let myself feel, since I have powerful negative feelings about father daughter abuse.
Aside from that, I don’t find it uncomfortable to be affectionate and kind in a relationship that fills that set of needs. I don’t want that to be my entire range of adult relationships and I won’t encourage anyone to remain in a child’s role beyond what begins to harm them. I guess I end up being pretty much what I think a good father should be. Be there, be real, be honest, and always be a father first. But that means nothing even close to romance. And eventually, your daughter, whatever age she was when she adopted you, will grow up, and you will loose her to some other guy. Hopefully, not another daddy.
But, fathers never stop being fathers, and their daughters can always come back. It may not be entirely politically correct, but that’s the way good fathers are, and their daughters seem to like it.
i never recognized it as such, but i guess i can completely understand such an issue. somehow, i never connected it to the fact that my dad was mostly not around when i was a child. i mean, he lived with us, but would come home from work and go straight to bed. then get up after we were in bed and watch late night tv. dysfunctional, much?
as i was saying, i many, many times have had crushes on older men, especially in positions of authority. my boss at my first co-op job, who happened to be an english man with a daughter only a few years younger than myself, kept my libido at attention for a year. he must’ve known. i still sometimes wish i could’ve, well, i’ll leave that to the imagination.
i am sooo glad my boss now looks about 17
and i’ve always loved a bit of salt and pepper hair. and a little bit of a gut, but otherwise slender, man. wow. freudian.
Tris, I’m curious to know if you’re in a position of authority. I found your comments very interesting. I wasn’t expecting someone from “the other side” to respond.
I should mention that I’m happily married. I recognize the feelings and I realize that it would probably be a bad idea to get “involved” with those type of feelings, married or not.
I define it really as just being curious about the person, wanting to get to know them, and wanting them to get to know me. And I could say the EXACT thing about how I’ve felt about my absent father. It can be confusing that it’s about the opposite gender, though.
Well, my job includes only a tiny bit of actual authority, aside from the fact that twenty three years experience in a field with an average time in service of three years leaves me in a position that defaults to authority. My first name is the most frequently spoken word in my workplace. I eventually decided to be proud of that.
Add to that the statistical facts that my coworkers are almost all women ten to thirty years younger than I am, and . . . well, you know.
My several ortho daughters have been married, too. Some still are. It isn’t a part of my relationship with them, although I am on civil speaking terms with their husbands, who express no jealousy to me.
There is one case where her actual father hates me violently, and cannot bear to hear me mentioned. I have counseled this ortho daughter that I prefer not to be used as a counter example, or an emotional weapon. She still needs my existence as a concealed weapon, but I have strongly recommended that her own spirit and opinions would serve her better, if she learned to wield them.
(The specific retort that made him permanently despise me was, “You threw us out, he took us in. Twice!”)
So, I guess authority is in the eye of the beholder.
I do look exactly like Santa Claus, though. Does that count?
I actually meant to type more, but I don’t know what happened when I hit enter.
I’ve not gotten all that close to the father crushes, except for the first one (that I can remember), who took advantage of me when I was very young. Of course, I don’t still have a relationship with him. I also had a teacher in high school that gave me money and took me places, but I don’t see him any more either.
With both of these, I never really thought of them as “father figure” and never asked anything of them. They seemed to enjoy hanging out with me.
When I got to be an adult, that’s when I started to realize that it all had something to do with my father, and when I pursued relationships I was clear up front about my intentions. Of course, I always hoped I could give something back to the relationship.
At this point, I don’t pursue it at all. I try to stay away from it, period. I realize I may be missing something, but to me, there is just too much room for misunderstanding. I also feel a bit like I’m taking advantage of them when I try to develop a relationship, because I really don’t think there is anyone in the world who can give me what I’m missing, so I have to question my motives. I don’t feel sorry for that, it just is.
I think I’ve just developed a “father crush” of Triskadecamus! Darlin’, your first post was one of the sweetest things I’ve ever read.
I know that when I was younger I was attracted to strong, powerful (and older) men because of my absent father. I wanted security. When I was 17, that meant a big, strong guy who made me feel physically safe (although I had never been in danger, I simply did not understand the type of security I needed). In college, it was the slightly older, very sophisticated man around campus. Luckily, he was also a sweetie.
Eventually, I was with a man 23 years my senior, well educated, financially stable, experienced in life and love. (I recognized the father/daughter aspect immediately, for him, it took a trip to Disneyland. See, I’m like an eight year old at Disneyland–I like the rides, I wave at the characters, I’m silly. But, in the evening, I clean-up, put on the dress and turn into an elegant (and sexy) adult companion. It made it difficult for him to continue to deny the obvious.) With him, I finished growing up. He gave me polish and confidence, which in turn allowed me to learn that I was capable of handling life, new experiences, new challenges, because I carried, I carry, my security inside myself. The romantic relationship ended, but we’ll always love each other.
I still like older men, but I’m older now, so we’re even.
Any other fatherless dopers experience this or am I totally crazy?
Oddly enough, no, I’ve never experienced this (however I don’t think what you’re going through is unusual at all). I’ve never had a thing for a much older guy; the biggest age difference I’ve ever had with a guy romantically was about 3 and a half years.
I get those, too. I’ve gotten crushes on older men, then stopped and thought, “Do I want to boink him? Nope. Ah! Father-crush!”
I got small ones on my Philosophy/World History and Sociology/Psychology teachers. I think I like older men who seem to be experts on whatever I’m interested in, so I could sit and listen and learn. That kind of thing.
As a male who has been in authority for a good portion of my career, I have experienced it from time to time. Howeve, I have always viewed it as a natural attraction to the “alpha male.” I had never made the connection to fathers.
It’s odd, but I don’t think of myself as strong, powerful, or in authority. But I think about it, with respect to the younger women that I meet, and I have to see that from the perspective of a young woman with support, and trust issues, especially one who never had a good father image what I am does look strong and authoritative.
But really, it’s just kindness, and the willingness to have a relationship with unequal expectations. I am very independent. (enough so that it represents a limit to my relationships to some extent.) I am also very willing to trust people.
I love Disneyland. I wave, and shout out to the characters, I danced with Mickey, when I went there, and Goofy and me had a ball.
Of course there is the fact that I am completely dedicated to children within my sight. I just default every judgment and action to the welfare of the closest child. That gets noticed.
It’s funny, my father was and is a big part of my life. Even currently, if I have a nasty-ass day at work, I can call him up and vent a bit before going back to the office. It is a healthy relationship between a grown Daddy’s Girl and her father.
But I do the alpha-male crush thing fairly regularly as well. I have been going through a phase in the past two years or so where silver in a man’s hair will get him noticed faster than his car or shoes or whatever else I’m supposed to be noticing.
I think I’m with Silver Serpentine on this one though. Most of the guys who catch my eye, also have something to teach me, beyond the life experience which put the silver in their hair.
Yeah. My dad was there for me (in some ways, not as much in the others), but he’s a mechanic (which I didn’t care about until about 6 months ago), is into hunting (I just can’t), and his idea of Culture is a movie (My mom used to tell me that my dad referred to plays and museums and suchlike as “upper class bullshit”). So, there’s really nothing for me to learn from him.
But I get such crushes on well-educated older men. Sigh.
I have looked fatherly since I was 12 (hair turned white very early) and have been in a position that lends itself to fathering others for a number of years. I am a newspaper editor.
A newspaper can be very familial. An editor is called upon to set limits, make decisions between young people as to who should do something they all want to do, assign duties, etc.
Really it is part and parcel of the job and unfortunately, I don’t always catch on that it is going on. Fortunately, an old friend of mine writes the obits for the paper and on a number of occasions, she has appraised me that I was in the middle of something that could screw up the newsroom.
I remember one time I gave a story assignment to somebody in a budget session and another young woman who had been on staff a couple of months went running out of the room in tears. My obit lady explained to me what was up.
In my case it also helps that my wife is seen as sort of the newsroom mascot/den mother and even if a crush develops, usually they never act upon it because they care too much for her.
But I have had love letters appear on my desk and in my email and coworkers appear dressed relatively inappropriately when I was supposed to be the only one working in the office. Usually it passes in three or four weeks when: a. A more age appropriate relationship presents itself or b. I do something really stupid or incompetent and they realize that I am not the person they have created in their minds, or c. They meet my wife and realize how perfectly suited she and I are for each other.
