Getting married! Um... now what? (Gay wedding advice needed)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I popped the question on Valentine’s day this year, over lobster dinner. Yeah, I know, it’s cliche. He said yes.

We moved in together at the beginning of this month, in a surprisingly straightforward move, and have been enjoying domestic bliss ever since. He’s the man I never thought I’d meet, the man I was sure didn’t exist, and now he’s part of my life every day, I get to come home to him, and we get to share our lives from here on out. He’s funny, and sexy, and wise, and pragmatic, and brilliant, and I’m totally head-over-heels, grinning from ear to ear, loopily in love with him. I never thought I could be this happy.

Which is why I have absolutely no idea what to do now.

Neither of us ever really planned to get married. I guess the whole “it’s illegal” thing deterred us from thinking much about it, but it’s never been something that either of us fantasized about. And so, now that we’ve found each other, and we want to make a commitment, we’re pretty much lost.

My family is small, and scattered. My whole guest list would consist of a mom, a sister, and a brother-in-law. (I’ll invite my brother, just to annoy him, but he’d never, ever show up.) My SO’s family is huge, and very close, but he’s not out to anyone but his parents. He’s planning on telling everyone, but he’s not in a hurry to do so, which is fine by me. His family are Navajo, and neither of us are religious, and we’re not sure if there are any provisions in Navajo culture for gay ceremonies (Navajo weddings have very specifically defined male/female roles).

What we want to do is have a ceremony in which we affirm our commitment to each other. We’d like the families to be there. Aside from that, the details are maddeningly vague.

Any suggestions?

P.S.: He’s already put his foot down about the Starfleet uniforms, so that’s pretty much out.

2

If this is just a mutual love confirmation ceremony of sorts you can do as you please as the proceedings are not binding legally (so far as I know) in most states and have no observational criteria or legal requirements as to how you wish to proceed in celebrating this union.

If you intend on sharing property and investments you need to get a lawyer to draft some kind of binding partnership agreement as to how things are to be shared in common and distributed in case you break up.

3

Two lesbian friends, about 45 or so, finally decided after they co-purchased a house that they would ‘get married’ and it was the nicest wedding I attended that summer. J’s son didn’t mind at all-- he’s 25 or so, but I don’t know if there were many other family members there-- perhaps D’s brother. Not sure. It was swell-- BBQ, marimba band, etc. The ceremony was sort of sappy new age-y, and performed (right verb?) by a friend of theirs from the university who wore her doctoral regalia to look officially ritualistic. It was very touching. The “pastor” ended it with (roughly remembered) “by the power invested in my by the Universal Life Church and the State of Vermont [this was in Oregon, of course] I now pronounce you wed.” There were kids, beer, cats running around; it was mellow and friendly. It wasn’t too serious but everyone cried because they knew it meant something. I’d invite the family members that you know are supportive-- fuck the rest of 'em. Actually, invite ALL of them, and the ones who don’t stand behind you simply won’t show up-- the attendence will be self-arranging (me and my husband had a wedding invite that was just anti-establishment/ ironic/ unholy enough to make sure that certain family members would “be invited” but not choose to show up, but would have made the decision themselves).
Good luck!

4

Congratulations! That’s just wonderful!

Here’s what I would suggest:

Decide whether you want a “traditional” wedding or not. If not, I have no idea how you should proceed. But if you want something more traditional-style it should be a fairly simple matter to arrange.

A traditional wedding consists of a ceremony presided over by a clergyperson or judge, followed by a reception of some sort. Guests include family members and friends. (You know this, you’ve been to lots of weddings, right?)

Since it is a gay marriage, the ceremony is the hard part. Decide whether you want a religious ceremony or not. If so, find a sympathetic clergyperson. If not, find some other officiant. Even though we’re not religious, my husband and I decided to married by a rabbi. First of all, it made the families happy. Second, it was easier to go with a traditional ceremony rather than try and invent something from scratch. Our rabbi was female and Reform, so her standard ceremony was not sexist or overly religious. If you choose a clergyperson who has done gay weddings before, he/she will probably have some ideas about how to proceed.

The question of the reception is easier. You just throw a party. The type of party depends on your a) personal taste, b) budget, and c) number of guests. Again, you’ve been to lots of weddings, so you have some ideas of the options. It’s up to you what dopey wedding traditions you choose to do at the reception. You’ve gotta have a wedding cake, of course. Lots of people have a “first dance” (we didn’t). You could even throw a bouquet if you want. The main important thing is to share the event with your family and friends.

Once you decide on the type of ceremony and reception, and figure out a likely number of guests, then you have to figure out where to have it. It is a lot easier if the ceremony and reception are at the same place, but that’s not necessary. You could even have it at your home (hire a caterer). It sounds like your guest list will be small, which does make things easier.

One other thing to consider:
–Who will be your “best man/maid of honor?” Each of you should have a close friend or relative there to stand up with you and help you with details. (Of course, their genders are irrelevant.) These people were immensely helpful to us.

p.s. I know how you feel about not knowing how to proceed. When I got engaged, I hadn’t the foggiest notion of what to do about it. Fortunately, my mother knew what to do. So maybe your mom could help?

5

There’s a book you might want to consider: The Essential Guide to Lesbian and Gay Weddings. I can’t endorse it from a practical perspective, since I’m (ahem) still single. But I’ve…(ahem)…erm…read through the entire damn thing at the Barnes & Noble Public Library, thus ensuring that I will never have the remotest need for any of the information it gave me.

perks ears up

Do I hear Abba playing?

Oh, never mind.

It’s well-written and seems to have a lot of practical tips, so it’s probably worth the 15 bucks with shipping.

6

You can get the 1999 version of the above book, which I know nothing about, at Half. Com for $11 + s/h
Congrats!

A proposal over lobster is always an excellent choice.

7

My heart is broken, but I figured it was inevitable. After all, if I’m getting married, it’s only fitting that My Gay Boyfriend [sup]TM[/sup] gets married as well.

I’m so happy for you! I have no advice, other than ELOPE.

8

See, the real question here should be:
Are you gonna throw bouquets, or garters? :smiley:

9

Hey! Congratulations!!! :slight_smile:

I didn’t know it was legal in the US.

WooHoo!

Have a great day. Don’t worry about the family, they’ll come to celebrate. And if not; :wally to them.

10

No advice. Just “Congratulations MrVisible!”

Oh wait, I do have some advice. Have a big ol’ cake. Just not maple icing. Wow, that’s bad!
-Rue.

11

Come up to Vermont and have a Civil Union! We could throw you a big ol’ party up here!

12

I’m not sure about Navajo, but many other tribes had no problem wih same-sex marriages. Information shouldn’t be that tough to get. It’s not really hidden. It just gets left out museum displays. I’ll try to find some links.

Other than that-I’ll go with the cliched it’s-your-wedding-speech. “This day is about the two of you. Not your families, friends or our government’s ludicrous position on same-sex marriages. The important thing is that the ceremony is what YOU want.”
Also-
Mazel Tov!

13

This is just my quirky sense of humor, but it would amuse me if you celebrated your highly non-traditional marriage with an extremely traditional ceremony. Just replace any mention of “husband” and “wife” with “spouse” and take out the silly “obey” part. We women crossed our fingers on that bit for centuries! :wink: