Dinsdale, coming at this issue from the other side, before I first met the man who became my future father-in-law, I did my homework and read up about SEC football. Not to be fake – I’m a football fan but just wasn’t familiar with that part of the country. It gave us something interesting to talk about and let us relax around each other. Maybe there’s some interest your daughter’s boyfriend has that you could learn to talk about. You all might find yourselves playing Fallout 3 together before too long.
Whether you continue to have good relations with your daughter after her marriage to a man you don’t like much depends on YOUR behavior as much as his. My friend C’s brother married a woman that nobody likes. She is abrasive and pushy and rude. C’s parents have maintained a great relationship with their son nonetheless. They put aside their selfish feelings of dislike for his wife and have continued to keep him (and ultimately the grandkids) in the same warm relationship they always enjoyed. They are very loving people and have realized that the irritation they feel at the daughter-in-law is a small price to pay for being with their son’s family.
I hope you can be equally wise.
Then it is time to butt out. Plenty of 22 year old girls have made foolish decisions to marry young. Sometimes it works out and they mature together. Often enough, it ends in divorce. I don’t think there’s anything a parent can do to stop them. You have only the option to determine what your own behavior will be. You can either rise above your dislike for the boy, or you can decide that your lack of approval for her marriage doesn’t matter in your relationship with her.
You can also make an effort to know him on a personal level. This guy is going to be part of your family, like it or not. I too am close with few people and find it a chore to get to know someone new, especially if I have the feeling I’m not going to really, really like them. But I say to you, suck it up and make the best possible effort. Your attitude toward him will affect your relationship with your daughter. If you choose to be lukewarm to him, you can pretty much count on her drifting away from you so long as they’re married.
This is one thing the Bible got right - adult children need to leave their parents and put their new spouse ahead of their parents. Your daughter will be replacing you as the most-beloved man in her life with her boyfriend/fiancé/husband. It sounds like you might have a little more work to do to wrap your head around how this is supposed to happen, and it’s healthy. 
Is your name John Patterson, by any chance?
Dinsdale, I really do enjoy your threads. As you know, I’m coming from the opposite side of things- my SO is 21, I’m 23, we’ll get engaged after he graduates next summer. He’s the only guy who my parents have ever liked. And boy oh boy, do they like him. And he likes them - I offhandedly mentioned that my mom was having trouble getting a bed moved from our main house to our second home - handyman wasn’t returning her phone calls, brother’s friend with a truck were on vacation, etc. He volunteers to drive out on his day off, move the bed with my brother, and drive back all in one day. :eek:
But things weren’t always this way (our 3rd anniversary is in September). I was so terrified they wouldn’t like him or treat him well that I waited until we were dating for six months until I mentioned his existence. A few more months ensued before they met him - while I’d been to his mother’s house in the first month we were dating (she only lives 20 minutes from us). My SO wasn’t used to my parent’s money, the lack of personal space my family gives others, the food (he was a vegetarian), the bristling barbs they deal each other, and the list goes on. He’s reserved, and my parents are, frankly, wild.
But as more time passed - and as I stopped going to visit them without him - they really grew on each other, to respect and even enjoy each others’ company. Now my dad loves talking politics with him and my mom loves playing Scrabble with us. They visit the city and always treat us to dinner or drinks - they used to simply call to say hi. There’s so much mutual respect there, it’s unreal.
So try and reach out to him - maybe take them out for dinner, get them off of “your” home turf, try a night on theirs or on a neutral field. Do you golf? Play tennis? Have a dog? My mom and SO will walk the dog together; it gives them something to do while they chat.
That said, I find the joke about “if you keep pressing me” VERY disturbing. The SO and I have a very specific reason for waiting: if we were to get engaged before he graduates, our parents would lose their shit. Our mothers were 30 and our fathers in their 30’s when they got married, and both parties have strongly voiced their opinions for waiting to get married. But your daughter’s graduated, and you’ve said before he has plenty of money, and they’re buying a $700 couch so…I don’t quite see what they’re waiting for, unless both parties aren’t on the same page.
Just wanted to post an update. Things have been going good. Daughter starts student teaching this week. I think she has matured a lot, simply through having to do the countless BS chores and such involved in being independent. She said recently if she knew all the shit her mom and I did just to maintain the household, she would have helped out more readily around the house. Last Friday my 2 youngest went to her place to watch movies, and on Sat my wife and she went to a concert. When she stopped by to pick up my wife, she said she expects to have a ring on her finger before the end of this month.
Future SIL asked me last week if I would go to the driving range with him and give him some tips on his golf game. We went a second time yesterday, and afterwards I bought drinks. I don’t know that we’ll ever be best buddies, but at least it is looking like more grounds for a relationship.
He sent my wife an e-mail yesterday asking if he could stop by tonight to “talk about something.” I’d better get out my Ward Cleaver cardigan and pipe… Sure hope he isn’t hoping for a sizeable dowry! 
Did you ever try to talk to a 22 year old. They’re not going to listen. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try but you got to accept the fact people will do pretty much what they want till they learn better.
All these folk saying “I wish someone would’ve talked to me.” I wonder how many would’ve listened or in fact were talked to and are not quite remember what was said, now that it turned out badly
There’s no such thing as “he won’t make eye contact with me so he’s bad” or other such things. For every person who won’t make eye contact and turns out to be a jerk, there is one who doesn’t make eye contact and is a nice guy.
Maybe he thinks you’re jerks? You know it works both ways.
They’re not even engaged, who knows if it’ll ever reach that point. Why put the cart ahead of the horse. You say you’re daughter had one bad experience. Didn’t she learn from it? If not, why not? Why is she relying on you? She’s an adult.
Or did she learn from it and you’re not giving her any credit? Or does one bad guy taint all others that come after.
How are you gonna feel if you confront Mr Jerk and he and she split up and he goes on to marry someone else and lives happily every after while your daughter remains single or goes on to marry another so called jerk and gets divorced and then blames YOU for breaking her up.
Who knows what the result could be?
As I said, there’s nothing wrong with having a good old heart to heart but before you do this make sure that when your done talking things will be better not worse. And until you’re sure they’ll be better hold off.
He’s making an effort. That actually shows a lot of compassion and thoughfulness, that he gives a damn about his relationship with you. I can’t imagine my first husband bothering to get to know my parents.
My dad and my husband bonded over my dad teaching golf 15 years ago. And they do like one another. My husband’s dad isn’t much of a dad, and my father is the guy my husband calls for advice. They wouldn’t be buddies under different circumstances, but they get along well as in laws.
If you already decided when you are getting engaged isn’t that like already being engaged basically? If the decision has not been made yet i would be bothered by my GF telling everyone when we are getting engaged like it’s a done deal. If we are not currently engaged it’s because i have not decided whether to marry you or not yet.
(my bolding) That’s hilarious. I’m betting your daughter or wife prepped him on how to butter you up and get on your good side - “Oh, ask him for some golfing tips. He thinks he’s ready for the Senior Tour.”
Seriously. The first time I met my now-FIL, it was Masters’ weekend. “Pretend you care about golf!” was the last thing the now-wife furtively whispered into my ear before knocking on the door.
We bonded a lot more over fantasy football. My encyclopedic knowledge of wide receivers’ stats pretty much got me the seal of approval all by itself.
I dunno - when and if a ring is ever exchanged we’ll have to stop referring to him as the faux-ance’. 
I think the guy really wants to improve is golf game, or else he is putting on a hell of a show. Said he hit the range twice since our first time together a week ago.
He has a pretty nice swing - so far all I’ve completely changed has been his grip, stance, ball positioning, posture, shoulder turn, leg action, weight shift, swing plane, and hand moton through the ball. Other than that, he’s solid! 
I’m glad things have worked out. Kid musta just had nerves to begin with. Daughter doesn’t appear to have died from her mediocre last semester grades
Now going forward, Dinsdale, you do know what every young couples loves, right. To be taken out to meals by their respective future in-laws that they themselves can’t afford!
…but will make a half-hearted effort to pay for.
My daughter met her husband in high school but waited over 8 years to get married. We initially didn’t like him very much, but he matured a lot in that time and pulled himself together. He also stood by her during some very difficult times. She was the one who didn’t want to get married, and finally relented when he got into law school and she got into a really good grad school. So, no issues at all for us. Considering that they’ve been through together already, I think they are in for the long haul.
Well, he asked us for our “blessing” (which i consider a curious term), and we gave it. Showed us the ring too - very nice. Wedding planned for sometime next summer/fall. Life is good!