If this had happen to me and I had my child with me there is no way I would taken a trip with an autism child that could “freak out” at any moment and cause an
accident ! I would told the person they had to find another way to travel . I don’t care if the guy didn’t like it but my child came first and no guy or their kid is going to put my child at risk . This woman is putting her child needs before the everyone else needs , yes it hard having a special child but it shouldn’t forced onto the woman boy friends. I have a feeling the woman is having a hard time finding a guy to take on her special needs child as his own child.
I’m sorry, but if the OP decides to stay with the girlfriend with things as they are now, I do not see this situation working out well for him in the long run. She is not going to abandon her child to an assisted living facility just because he hits 18. Her and the kid are a part of a package. If the OP does not feel that he can deal with being the recipient of the said package (and self-care/care for his own kids are perfectly legitimate reasons to feel that way!), putting off the break-up will only delay the inevitable.
Going to agree with a couple of posters who’ve already said that being an aging caretaker to an unrelated young adult isn’t everyone’s idea of an acceptable lifestyle.
I’m kind of curious as to what the bio-dad’s long term plans for that particular son are. Is she on some sort of a deadline to help him find another permanent home?
I think like a lot of problems people have, this one started a while ago, and instead of getting nipped in the bud then, the problem has snowballed to the point that it’s going to be more difficult to unwind even as it becomes more necessary. This is not to rag on OP or his girlfriend (I’ve done stuff like this too), but just to point it out.
OP should have realized this would be an issue before GF and her daughters moved into his house. The GF and her son were a package deal even if not presented that way. Now OP has tenants, and if he wants to break up and she wants to be nasty about it an eviction is in his future.
This is not to say the GF is blameless - OP has made it clear that he’s not ok caring for her son and she keeps lying to get him into his life. Honestly the time to admit that she had extra responsibilities was when dating started. Sure, not the first date, but by the time they became exclusive. Now this is a ticking time bomb. What would OP have done if, during the next time the son comes over to OP’s house, the GF just decides he’s moved in now?
I think OP has realized this is an untenable situation. I don’t blame him for not wanting to absorb a special needs child that is not his own. But that means it’s time to break up with his GF and she and her daughters need to move out of the house. Anything else is just kicking the can down the road.
No, maybe not. However, his girlfriend IS obligated to, and if he wants to be with her, he can’t just say, “I’ll be with you, but keep your son out of my face.” It’s a big part of her life, and if he isn’t prepared to deal with that, he’s better off breaking up with her.
Did she misrepresent the situation? Perhaps. But the OP shouldn’t try to make her choose between him and her son, which is what it sounds like.
(Where is he on the spectrum – that might help getting a picture of it)
It sounds to me like he’s very severely affected, and will never live independently on any level.
Either the two of you are forming a family, where everyone is welcome and cared for, or you are casual dating. There is no middle option where you get all of the good parts of being a family and none of the inconvenient parts.
Autism is tough, and I know as I have a 12 year old on the spectrum.
Her son is 16?
I don’t mean this as a criticism. That said, it doesn’t seem like you and your girlfriend are fully in synch regarding her son’s autism, what care taking entails, severity, plans for when he is 18, when he joins the rest of you, accommodations needed, etc. Y’all need to figure that out as it isn’t fair to the kid much less to the rest of you.
OP, you say that if you had a special needs child you’d be there to the end for him, yet you’re basically saying your girlfriend can’t do that if she wants to be with you long term. You’re asking her to choose either you or her child.
End this relationship, because it will end sooner or later. There’s too much deceit on her part. On your part, you can’t expect to pick and choose which kids stay in the family and which don’t.
That was wrong, but that was FOUR YEARS ago. He chose to not only to continue to date her, but to move in and take on a father-like role with her other kids. So while he is free to leave at any time, “but she lied to me” ceased to be a good excuse for acting out about three and a half years ago.
The real wrong here isn’t with the grown ups, who can fend for themselves and are free to choose whatever functional or screwy situation they want, but with the kids. There is never any excuse to accept two children and reject one. There just isn’t. Siblings come in sets and either you do your best for them all, or you don’t take on a fatherly role with any of them.
The OP had formed a family with these people. And a child being systematically and cold heartedly excluded from ones own family is abuse. The OP is at fault for this, and the girlfriend is guilty of allowing this abuse to continue.
This is pure nonsense. the op is asking about his girlfriend lying to him. The example given involved decisions about how to handle a specific situation. The lie made it impossible to handle to the situation properly. In addition his girlfriend expects him to ignore his children to the exclusion of her autistic child.
It’s not a compromise, it’s taking advantage of the situation. The autistic child already has 2 parents. Co-opting a 3rd at the expense of other children is not a solution.
Even Sven is “right” although it might be phrased a little strongly.
Obviously the couple has a communication problem they need to work on if they haave an expectation of staying together. Part of that communication is a very serious discussion regarding her son on the autism spectrum.
OP - you haven’t mentioned the age, whether the child is non-verbal, has sensory issues, sleep issues, is toilet trained, or is just really sciency geeky going to a regular school but without social skills or friends. Autism is a very broad spectrum
I’ll walk back the word abuse.
But it is wrong to systematically exclude a child from their family. It is wrong to give love and attention to some siblings and not others. It is wrong to purposely isolate a child from their mother and siblings.
These things are wrong because they cause irreparable damage to a child’s developing brain. Children can’t just leave or otherwise protect themselves from this kind of harm, so the adults around them to protect them. Even when it’s not convenient or fun.
If you understandably don’t want to be responsible for a special needs kid, that’s fine. There are millions of women to chose from who don’t have this particular issue, and if you absolutely have to date women with disabled children, you can always keep the dating a casual, adult thing while maintaining separate family lives.
But you don’t get to play some version of Brady Bunch where Marsha gets singled out as undesirable one who isn’t welcome.
The OP said in a roundabout way that this boy is about 16 years old.
I appreciate all your comments.
I had a long talk with her with regards to this situation. Her son is high-functioning in some respects and not in others. During our talk, she wants him to move in when he turns 18…again all news to me along with other things. Bottom line is that she cannot stop lying. She’s even having problems with her employer and they have called me asking where she is.
Then the bombshell. She wants me to be his father as she said his father “sucks”. I know him and he is a decent guy and is doing what he can. Over the weekend he visited and once again it was tough. And it was at this time I asked her to leave. Her daughters were involved in the conversation and were okay with this decision.
It’s a terrible situation. I loved her and her kids and still do but she has some major issues that she needs to confront. I cannot be with someone who cannot give me a simple answer, is evasive, and has an agenda. I wish I would have known this earlier. As she said, “you have stuck around longer than I thought you would”. How do you think that made me feel? Why is it that people think this is ok? She’s college educated as well as I am. I would never had done this…EVER. Puts a whole new perspective on relationships. And what really gets me…is she did it without thinking what it would do to the kids…both mine and hers.
Wow. Well, that’s certainly a clearer picture than I had after your first post. It sounds like she might be a narcissist. I don’t think there was anything else you could’ve done.
I’m sorry you had to go through this, and I especially feel sorry for her kids.
Sounds like a rough situation, and you took the best of bad options. I think you made the right decision given the info you’ve given us. I’m sure it sucks but I hope it will all work out in the long run.
Actually, it’s an ongoing pattern - in the OP she was lying to him about her short-term plans and suspected about her long term plans, in the latest update the OP has confirmed that she was lying about long-term plans and trying to set a trap for the OP. You don’t get to say that a pattern of behavior doesn’t count just because it has been continuing for a long time.
Objecting to a partner lying to you continuously and attempting to manipulate you in a way that will disrupt the rest of your life in the long term is not ‘acting out’. The whole idea that a man is somehow stuck forever supporting a woman who gets him involved with her under false pretenses is just nuts.
The only one being abusive is the girlfriend, and accusing the guy of abuse for standing up to her manipulations and lies is a common tactic abusers use to shut down resistance.
Heh… sorry that you’re having to go through that mess. On the bright side, better to find out now, than when the kid turns 18.