Girlfriend doesn't communicate plans

In My Humble Opinion
1

I need some advice here.

My girlfriend has 3 children, 2 live with us (she lives with me) and her son live with his dad about 5 hours away. On a recent trip to the city where he lives for an appointment I had, she made some plans to see her son but didn’t bother to tell me about. I had asked her before the trip if she was planning to see him and she said not really. I made plans accordingly, git a hotel room to accommodate us and the kids (4 in total). All my plans did not include her son (who is special needs).

Well, long story short, he showed up at the hotel. Not only dud he stay, but wore my sons clothes, and basically stayed over the night. Then this morning my girlfriend said ahe was planning that he ride back home with us to stay. I have a small car and seats six and no room for more. She said she was going to “ride on the floor” so he was comfortable on the ride as he freaks out on long trips.

I had no knowledge of her plans. She has pulled this on me whenever her son is involved. It’s like she loses total rational thought as far as plans are concerned for any trip. Needless to say, I was upset. Had I known her plans with her son, I would have made different plans such as not taking her or her other kids with me.

We’ve gone out for 4 years. She goes crazy overboard when it comes to her son. When he visits my house, my kids, her two and myself have to make radical adjustments to what we normally do (make him his “special” meals, no tv, make sure he’s first, pick up after him, etc.). When he does stay, she favors him soo much that the rest of us want to leave.

I have tried to talk to her about communicating her plans with the rest of us numerous times and she just seems to forget. I have attempted to tru and include him when he visits but she almost invariably changes plans without telling us. Honestly, It is very hard to deal with her regarding this.

I feel bad for him because of his autism. He cannot feel pain which is super dangerous and I worry that when he visits and she goes to work (we both work outside of the home), she leaves him in my house by himself, again a fact she recently disclosed to me. I have had to lock up my shop, any outbuildings that have dangerous things in them for fear he’ll hurt himself which has happened in the past (because I did not know this about him).

I seriously think she is delusional when it cones to her son and I have tried to tell her that she needs to start making plans for him when he us out of school (2 years). I have told her he is NOT living at my house which she seems to understand for the time being but I am afraid she’ll forget about that too.

So I need some advice here. I want to support her but when she doesn’t tell me things, I feel like she’s being deceitful. Her essentially hiding her plans with him and “springing” then on me at the last minute shows she has little respect for me, her other kids and my kids. She’s most of the time wonderful but I honestly fear that she has this alternative plan and is not telling me.

Please comnent to give me some ideas on either coping or ??? It’s easy for someone to say “drop her” but her 2 kids are wonderful and they count on me because their dad is never there for them. I love her but it’s starting to thin out due to her continued deceitfulness.

2

I’m not excusing your GF’s behavior, but I’m getting the strong sense that you have been less than supportive with regards to her son.

Have you ever made your GF feel like her son is a burden to you? Have you ever expressed resentment towards him?

I’m not judging you if you have. We are all only human, and sometimes our emotions can get the best of us.
I would suggest you try making your GF understand that you wish issues regarding her son to be a TEAM effort. Rather than something she deals with on her own. Remind her that when you chose her, you chose the whole package. Which includes her son. Remind her, that she doesn’t have to do this alone. And that she should not feel guilty when it comes to the care of her son.

3

Good point.

You know, I have bent over backwards to help her with her son. You are right, I did accept a package but that was before I knew about her son and his challenges. She did not tell me right away but that’s after we had feelings for each other.

I guess I may be a bit selfish but I have my children if which she’s not alawys nice to. I am not sure it is guilt rather than resentment. Honestly, I am not in any position or have the capacity to be his parent as she has expected me to be with her other kids. I have my two children too and am not sacrificing any more time than I already have.

I guess you helped me make my decision.

Thank you…really

4

She forgot? :dubious: No, she didn’t forget. Be honest with yourself. She’s not respectful to you and she won’t compromise with you even a little bit on how to take care of her son. You should have a say in that, since you live in the same house and you have to deal with the fallout. It’s not going to get better in two years when he’s out of school. In the end, she’s going to give you an ultimatum–either he stays, or she goes.

5

The chances that she’s going to make a significant change in her handling of a major part of her life after four years together do not strike me as good.

6

She didn’t tell you that she had a severely disabled child until well after you met? :confused: What else isn’t she telling you?

p.s. I assume that he is the half-brother of the two kids who live with you?

7

This seems to me to be part of the problem. If she thinks knows that telling you her plans will lead to you scuppering them, she may well prefer to only reveal them once they are a fait accompli.

I don’t know you or your GF, but it seems to me that she has built or is trying to build a new family unit with you, her other two kids and your two kids and it seems natural that she would want her other kid to be part of that or at the very least not be excluded from that. So even if this other son is not living with you, don’t underestimate importance to her of him being able to attend family trips and the fact that when he stays she may go out of her way for him out of feeling guilt. Put yourself in her shoes, would you or could exclude one of your children for the sake of a new family dynamic. The fact he has autism is relevant in this consideration to you, but probably isn’t relevant to her as at the end of the day he’s still her son.

She could go a better way about it, but I think if you want her to be honest about these things you will may have to create a situation in which she can say “I want my son to come on this trip”, which won’t lead to her and her children being excluded from the trip. Of course you might not want to do that, but if you do nothing don’t expect the problem will necessarily solve itself.

8

Making this primarily about her “deceitfulness” is (IMO) kind of beside the point. You are obviously a lot more concerned that your life is going to be permanently invaded by a special needs kid than her flakiness. And you have every right to be, people pull bait and switch stunts like this all the time to cement relationships before they have to pull back the curtain. How much serious relationship attention from stable, desirable men do you think would she get if her opening line was “Hi! I have a special needs autistic son who will be with me until he dies. We’re a package!”

Given the behavior you have described to date I would suggest you are being borderline delusional as to what is going to happen when he is out of school. There are numerous reasons why she coddles him which are governed by maternal human nature and are not subject to change by any lectures you give or ultimatums you announce. She knows quite well that the kid annoys the piss out of you -“but wore my sons clothes” - ! that she is sticking with you shows how desperate she is to have a stable family for him.

You need to decide today is she is important enough to you to have a potentially difficult to control autistic child who growing ever larger and stronger be an intimate part of your family life, because that is absolutely her plan 2 years from now regardless of whatever offhand reassurances she gives you that things are in hand. I’m not telling you to pull the ripcord but you had better either fundamentally accept the fact that that kid is along for the ride if you marry her or make other decisions. That kid is going nowhere you need to decide if you are along for that ride and stop deluding yourself.

9

Did you ever hear of the phase “Familiarity breeds contempt”?

10

I am a “mirror” and treat other people like they treat me. So do the same to her a few times, don’t tell her what you are doing. She should get the message!

11

Thank you all for your great replies. I have thought about this long and hard and from many directions. You all have given me much to think about in the coming few months. My kids come first in my book. Her kids have a father and I am not about to change that. One of you said that I am being a bit dilusional as well thinking things will change. I told her (once I found out) that our school system where my kids go do not have any services that he needs. I know because my ex-wife is the special ed teacher and she said they are not equipped with appropriate staff or institutionally for autism. He is getting great services where he is at but there is no doubt in my mind (and his fathers whom I had this discussion with) that he’ll need a special home to live in so that he can get the care he needs. As for me, when my kids are out of school, they know that I am moving south for good. The GF says she’s on board with my decision and says she knows her son cannot come. But I think that she is hoping I will cave when he turns 18 and exclaim “and there’s no where the he can go”. Is it too selfish of me to say “he’s not my kid and I want no part of it”? As you can see I am preparing for the worst." In addition, she wants me to add him on my insurance and that is something I am not willing to do. Not here daughters, just him.

One of you said to put myself in her shoes. I can tell you with 100% accuracy that I wouldn’t do what she did. If my son was disabled, I would not surprise any potentional companion about it and quite honestly, It would be my burden to deal with and not someone elses to share in by surprise. I fully comprehend my parental responsibilities but her dynamics are different than mine.

As much as it pains me and how it would devistate her 2 children, We might be better to gracefully end what we have now OR stay with her through her 2 kids education until he turns 18. Her kids will be older (15 and 17) and better able to handle any eventuality. As far as her son, I have made it clear that he is not part of this household long term. He can visit at supervised times, but no extended stays or anything like that.

I also feel betrayed a bit. I would never had sprung anything like this on her and If I had an autistic child, it would be my responsibility and mine alone to deal with and would never expext any help as it is my burden. Even now if something were to happen to my kids, I would not expect her to help out of respect for her family. It would be my responsibility for their follow-on care, not hers. And yes, I will do anything for them but that also includes respecting my gf…even if that means breaking up so she could live her own life.

I would like it for it to work with us but am prepared if it does not. My future plans can and do include her (for now) as we approach retirement but not with autistic adult in tow.

Any final time thoughts?

12

You need to let go of this "I was deceived’ hobbyhorse you are so enamored of riding. Yes, she was not forthcoming about something that would have effectively made most men run like rabbits from her. It was unethical and desperate. You are now IN a relationship, either forgive this and let it go or move on. If you continue to moan about this and the injustice of being played NOW it’s getting tiresome and annoying. Pack it away and move on or leave her. Playing with it like a bad tooth whenever you resent the notion of dealing with her son is not helping anyone.

I’m heart attack serious. If you will not let this go it will corrode whatever hopes you have for the relationship. You need to decide.

13

It’s time to move on…you are right. Understand that I’m not stuck on the deceitfulness…never was. I was merely asking for so advice.

Thank you!

14

Uh, yeah, pretty much. Especially considering since you don’t seem to mind her daughters being around, just not The Autistic Kid. Dude, that’s pretty messed up.

(Although, consider the join date)

15

It’s not messed up at all. He has no moral or ethical obligation to take on the full time care of a special needs child that is not his legally or biologically. If it were my kid that needed care I’d be there till the end, but if someone else, unrelated to me like someone I’m dating or co-habiting with was trying to convince me to take on the huge, life changing obligation of caring for an autistic child that would not be something I’d be onboard with. By the same token I would not judge anyone who declined to have a relationship with me because I had a special needs child. It’s a tremendous obligation.

On the flip side the OP is (IMO) being wildly unrealistic in thinking he can keep the relationship and exclude the autistic child. The Mommy (assuming the OPs version is reliable) has played some fairly typical bait and switch games to get him centered on her before sliding the kid into view. You can censure her for this but if she wants any shot at a stable mom-dad family getting the guy hooked first is realistically about the only way it’s going to happen.

The missing sub text here is that the OP REALLY does not like this kid to the point he’s petty enough to complain about the autistic kid using his son’s clothes on an unplanned sleepover. I do think the OP is serious about this being a relationship deal killer and trying to “manage” it until the kids are older is not doing anyone a big favor. Right now mom might be able to get another man to be willing to marry, years down the line that’s going to be double tough. The OP needs to be willing to take on the kid or move on.

16

He already has a family that he is responsible for. He’s been lied to to accommodate this kid in a way that compromises those responsibilities. In the example given she was asked ahead of time if her son was coming. Instead of being able to plan appropriately this kid exceeded the capacity of the car making this guy liable for the consequences. She could have driven a 2nd car to accommodate HER decision.

As for special meals, If she want’s to cook an extra meal for her son then it’s on her to fix it as are any other special needs. She has another support resource to help out. Meals could have been made in advance by this kid’s father.

Bottom line, the op and his family are being lied to and forced to bend to her wishes regarding her special needs child. If this is how it’s going to be then nothing will change down the road. If the op wants to stay in the relationship then he has to assume she will lie and plan accordingly. And that includes putting his kids second and staying in the same area indefinitely.

17

I’m trying not to judge since I’m not there, but if you really sound anything like you do here, part of your girlfriend’s behavior is that she’s walking on eggshells with you. You really do talk disrespectfully about her son and her feelings towards him. Obviously, she loves him and feels guilty about him. Have you talked to her about this? Not in an accusatory manner, but in a caring way that’s considerate and truly interested in how she feels. I tend to doubt it.

Anyway, what’s the point of staying together? Give her a chance to find someone else and her kids the chance to bond with him.

18

I still say that the big issue here is that she wasn’t upfront about having a disabled child.

19

example?

20

Bottom line: You and she are not working together as a team; and unless/until that can change, you cannot have a healthy, workable relationship.

Either she is hopelessly flaky, or (more likely) she is resorting to withholding information and changing plans unilaterally in an attempt to manipulate the situation and make an end run around the resistance that she believes (rightly or wrongly) she would get from you. As a result, you naturally feel deceived, frustrated, and out of control.

IMHO, if you think the relationship is worth keeping, the two of you could benefit from some expert advice, both of the “couples counseling” variety that could help you learn to work together in an upfront and honest way, and from someone with expertise in caring for special-needs kids and their families.