On again off again relationships of 10 years are very rarely healthy. Usually they’re just dysfunctional but the people involved are too hung up on each other to move on for good. Which is exactly why her still hanging out with him is a huge red flag.
Why do you trust that she eon’t do anything with the ex? Especially considering that she’s still emotionally attached to him. Personally, based on what you’ve told us, I think that they’re going to bang.
You’re correct that it’s possible to remain friends with an ex, but it’s more difficult to do if you really gave it good to them in the sack. In that case, they’re often looking for one more romp. This is why I’ve struggled to remain just friends with my exes.
That’s an important point, thanks for pushing back. However, this still isn’t a cut and dry matter. The OP needs to provide a little context.
If they reignited their on-again status while either of them was dating another person, I agree this is a red-flag situation. On the other hand, if they simply had a friends-with-benefits thing when neither of them were seeing someone else, that’s a different story. Moreover, the OP might be the person that helped her get over the past relationship. In which case, it’s actually better that she spends time with this guy to make sure its over.
Personal anecdote: There was a girl who I was hopelessly infatuated with. It was a somewhat of an on/off thing for a year or two. I started dating around and met someone new and we fell in love. But it was only when the ex- (who I kept on good speaking terms) and I hung out after the fact that I knew I was so much better off where I currently was. I felt like I grew in that I could relate to this person as a friend rather than someone I wasn’t over.
Because not everyone betrays the person they love because someone else is willing?
Your significant other should be one’s first and strongest emotional connection; not one’s only emotional connection.
Thanks for the honest input. Please allow me a couple responses.
How am I restricting her actions? I told her how I felt about it. I precisely chose not to restrict her actions. You call it passive-aggressive but what is your suggested alternative? Actual aggression? I had already told her directly I felt uncomfortable about it.
I think that her actions indicate emotional attachment to her ex. I understand this is going to be present given their history but I think the extent of her actions are starting to cross some boundaries that should be present in a relationship. I think that catching up once is fine but what purpose does hanging out further serve? Don’t you think thats somewhat inconsiderate of my feelings? Let me ask you something: do you think it’s appropriate for a woman to go to dinner & a movie followed by a day of shopping with her ex-boyfriend while she’s in a relationship with another person?
My question was more along the lines of are the extent of her actions appropriate for a relationship and considerate to me, her boyfriend?
Invite him over to hang with the two of you. Burn a few steaks or something. If he asks what kind of beers to bring, then chances are fair to good.
I do think you have reason to be concerned, but the best way forward is to show your trust in your girlfriend and get to know the guy; see how they behave together when you’re there. If it only makes you more nervous, then you have an issue and need to work it out with her. If it makes you feel better, then great. Maybe you’ve found a new friend.
It was a friends-with-benefits whenever they were both single kind of situation.
Welcome to the SDMB, Ironed. Different types of threads go in different forums – those seeking relationship advice go in IMHO, whither I’ll move this for you (from MPSIMS).
Ironed, are you also Cbud92 by chance? Just wondering.
Not to my knowledge. 
True, you didn’t physically restrict her actions. But you did what the “old <insert ethnicity here> mother” stereotype does. “Fine, fine, go out with your friends, they mean more to you than the woman who gave you birth.” The actual alternative is to give some real thought as to why you have a problem with someone you love spending time with someone they enjoy spending time with, especially when their opportunity to do so normally is restricted by location.
Is that how you relate to your friends. Hey, Bill? You me to go to the game? But we just went to the bar last night. Sorry bud, you’re done.
You are the first person’s feelings she should be caring about, and she did acquiesce when you raised a stink about it. But you’re not the only person whose feelings she has to manage, either. You see her all the time, you’re her boyfriend. This other guy, who she says is going though a hard time never gets to see her. I assume he’s only here for a short stay until he returns overseas. Why wouldn’t they want to make the most out of the time he’s here?
Yes. Especially given that she’s not deciding to spend time with him instead of you, you already mentioned you were going to be at work.
As has been mentioned upthread there are no global laws for relationships.
I’ll admit to prescribing the kind of give and take my girlfriend (of seven years) and I afford one another. I want her to be happy. I am not the only person in the world that she cares about. If spending time with any friend regardless of what their background makes her happy, I fucking WANT her to spend that time with them (so long as she’s not going to get physically involved with them ;)). We are monogamous and have no trust issues with one another.
So that’s why I called bullshit at the top of my first reply. I guess I don’t see the reason for someone getting bent out of shape when their significant other spends time with other people unless they don’t trust them. Maybe your girlfriend is not trustworthy, but THAT is the discussion you should be having. The discomfort with the ex is just a symptom of the real issue.
My advice: free her to be with this other guy, and free yourself to be with someone who’s emotionally available and unattached, someone who WANTS to be with you, for the simple sake of being with you.
The bit I can’t fathom is going to watch a movie. You want to spend some time together catching up and instead stare at a screen. The last thing I’d suggest to a friend I haven’t seen for a while is going to the movies. Sounds a bit shallow.
The girlfriend should have endeavored to introduce you to her friend.
I think you nailed it in one.
Agreed to this, too. They were on-again-off-again, which is a lot of drama; the ex is having a hard time now, which is more drama. And she wants to spend more time with her ex than her current boyfriend is comfortable with - you guessed it, drama. If you want a drama-free relationship, I don’t think she’s the girl for you, Ironed.
Also agree with this.
I think your girlfriend’s desire to spend more (drama-filled) time with her ex is bothering you for a reason, Ironed. When women talk about their gut feelings, they are usually fully supported in that. You’re talking about your gut feelings, and you’re getting insulted and not supported at all. That doesn’t seem fair.
So basically, we have two camps here. There’s the “Fuck that shit” camp and then there’s the “Mature people can stay friends with their exes” camp.
And of course, the implied part of the latter is, if you’re not cool with that, clearly, you must be immature. :rolleyes: WTF ever.
I don’t deny lots of people stay friends with their exes. But at the same time, there are also lots of times when people just can’t get over each other.
The best way to discern which of these situations the OP has, is first, trust your instinct. Secondly, how open are they to you tagging along? To me, their very first meeting should have included you. You shouldn’t even had to have asked. She should have included you in those plans.
If I had a new GF that I was really into, and a friend of mine was in town wanting to get together, I’d be all but too excited to introduce my friend to my new awesome GF. Multiply by a factor of ten if it were an old GF that is now just my friend. I would absolutely insist all three of us do something TOGETHER, just so no one has any doubts what the real deal is.
The OP’s situation sounds like a shady deal. If it were me, I’d want no part of it.
If the genders were reversed, Dopers would be falling over each other to chastise the woman for staying with such an obvious slime ball.
I completely agree with your first paragraph, not so sure about your second. I agree that the GF should have asked if the OP wanted to be included, but that comes down to this specific relationship. IMO, this doesn’t cross over to shady until the OP asks to be included and is brushed off. YMMV.
If the genders were reversed you can be sure someone would have to come in and post about how if the genders were reversed everybody would say something different because sexism.
This is weirdly timely. I am getting married in 2 months, and I have suddenly had a couple of my hard-to-let-go-of exes pop back up in my life. I actually hung out with one on Monday. It stirs up a lot of stuff to see an ex like that after you’ve moved on. I went to see him perform, so the venue did not allow for much conversation- I could see wanting to hang out again, clear the air of some things that have been left unsaid.
My fiance doesn’t know the extent to which this guy was part of my life, or type of relationship we had, or he’d probably have been mildly uncomfortable with us hanging out once- if I later said I was going to spend the DAY with the guy while he was working, he would be very very uncomfortable.
On the other hand, I have an ex fiance too, and when we broke up we were instantly back to platonic friends. I think part of why we broke up is because really, we should have just been friends all along. If he was in town, feeling down, and needed a friend, I would expect to be able to go hang out with him and not a single eyebrow be raised- and I was engaged to the guy. His girlfriend never has understood and even though I am marrying someone else now, she hates it when I come around.
So every circumstance is just so different. I know that my SO has exes that I would be totally cool with him spending time with, even quite a bit of time, and others where I would feel very differently. It’s pretty difficult to describe why I feel that way, but has to do with what I have gleaned about the nature of that relationship, and his up-frontness in general, a lot of gut-feeling type stuff. That makes it hard for anyone on the outside of things to really weigh in.
I think ultimately though, you’re going to have to trust her either way and let her make those decisions. You brought up your feelings and she can decide whether to respect those or not. Respecting how you feel is not the same thing as doing what you want her to. And if she is going to cheat on you, she’ll do it whether she has your “permission” to hang out with him or not. The fact that she has been pretty communicative and honest so far is a good sign. I’d let this one go for now and shelve the issue- but I think you’re right to hold the relationship out at arm’s length and examine it, and think about if it’s really what you want.