WTF??? She crossed a line by having a friendship? Dude, if you are this paranoid in your relationships, it’s a wonder you’re even in one.
The OP shared his feelings with his GF, and she shared hers. That’s how healthy relationships work. We don’t all go around trying read each other’s minds.
Whoa. I waited on a client between when I started my reply and posting it. I missed too much in that time for my comments to still be relevant. The only thing I’ll leave in is “Best wishes”
Something all of the “if you have any doubts whatsoever you just need to leave!!!” people are ignoring is the fact that not everyone can just leave without knowing for sure they’re being cheated on, which has been mentioned in the majority of the “snooper” posts. None of the anti-snooping posters have even addressed that point, however, which is curious to me.
I would have loved to have saved myself the heartbreak of seeing the gut wrenching black and white proof that my ex was cheating on me before I left. I couldn’t, though. I loved him so much that it was impossible for me to walk away without having that proof. Logically, it’s quite obvious that one should walk away from a relationship once the trust is gone. Emotionally, however, sometimes that is next to impossible to actually do.
And of course you should asking your SO what’s up before actually snooping. Snooping is a dead last resort. Only after your SO has denied any wrongdoing (or reacted in a totally defensive way) yet you still have an unrelenting uneasiness about the situation, should snooping even be considered. And then, only if you truly feel the need to do it in order to put your mind at rest.
The problem isn’t the friendship. It’s the level of emotional connection with this new friend. If this was some person she’s known her whole life and is like a brother, it would be more understandable. But to have multi-hour, private conversations about how lonely she is with someone she just met, that’s inappropriate.
It’s human behavior that:
Emotional Bond + Sexual Tension = Trouble
She’s not talking with him about hobbies, or work, or any benign topic. She’s leaning on this stranger for emotional support. It’s only a matter of time before this guy starts encouraging her to leave her insensitive boyfriend and come live with him.
We did. I’d rather not get into what it was about, because it’s complicated, but I will say I believe the reason she gave for it. Basically, it was something she didn’t feel comfortable talking to me about, because it was related to me. We talked about it in detail last night.
I guess my concern now is why she wasn’t comfortable talking to me about it in the first place. I’m not so worried about this other guy now, but I am starting to worry that we’re growing apart. It seems like everything going on with this guy might be a symptom of a deeper issue that I’m only now realizing is there. I hope not.
Glad it worked out!
You know, this might sound incredibly naive and/or stupid, but maybe the reason why she was having a conversation out of earshot was because it was 11PM and she didn’t want her voice to disturb OP’s sleep? I mean, I hope that’s the reason why.
As it stands now, it seems like OP should give the girlfriend the benefit of the doubt after their talk. I’d still be careful, though. And I still think he should have gotten in touch with the guy to see who he is and what he’s after. I think another guy would been more understanding about something like that and less likely to flip out.
Anyway, glad to see it’s working out so far.
ETA:
Whoa, whoa, whoa…something related to you that she didn’t feel comfortable talking to you about?! That’s a bad sign.
Look on the bright side.
Against the other things you’re written, this is much more positive than the problem being solely that she’s found another man and is done with you.
It is a good thing that you’ve established some communication on your problems. Relationships can evolve and they take work to keep on track. It is up to you and her now if you want to work towards resolving the deeper issue and stop growing apart. But your open communication is key to getting you there.
Perhaps you should both consider seeing a relationship counselor, especially if communication is one of your relationship’s problems.
Good job so far, Neo.
Glad it worked out. I’d be interested to know if her behavior actually changes now. I’ve been given the whole “yes, I suppose that does look bad” spiel, followed by either no change, or more covert behavior.
Keep your eyes open, is all I’m saying.
Which they addressed. In a long conversation. Ergo, he knows what her conversation was about and it sounds like they both want to work on building more trust/intimacy.
For all we know, she was pissed off at him and wanted a 3rd party sounding board. While late-night private conversations CAN be a red flag, it’s possible to conceive of a healthy relationship in which they happen from time to time. The OP responded and handled it in the most mature way imaginable, and it sounds like GF’s reaction was perfectly reasonable as well.
Jeez, some of you guys seem eager to load this relationship up on the corpse cart.
It’s not dead yet! It feels happy! It feels happy!
I’m not sure how to address that point. You can’t leave a relationship unless you have absolute proof you’re being cheated on? And so if your SO won’t confess to it, you’ll sneak into their email and phone to get it? And if you don’t find it there…what? You drop it and go back to a happy life because you couldn’t prove your suspicions? Or do you then hire a private investigator to follow them around trying to gather the evidence you need? What if the PI doesn’t come up with what you’re looking for? You sleep well at night, then? Where does this actually end? If you never find any evidence of any wrong-doing on your partner’s behalf, are you going to stay with the person no matter how uncomfortable you feel with his or her actions?
Can you see at all how this might suggest a lack of mental healthiness on the part of the “innocent” party, here? I don’t think any of the anti-snoopers are suggesting that it’s EASY to end a relationship due to lack of trust. But someone above astutely pointed out that a person who resorts to going behind their partner’s back to satisfy a suspicion is going to resort to the same methods in future relationships, using that as a crutch where one shouldn’t be necessary.
Ending a relationship is not committing a crime. You don’t need to be “right” to decide that you’re unhappy with the way things are working between the two of you.
Yeah, nothing says “healthy relationship” like being afraid to tell your SO something you feel about him and then finding someone else, a complete stranger, to tell it to. Let’s see, that’s lack of communication, fear, airing your dirty laundry to an uninvolved party, and lack of trust all wrapped up in one little incident. I hope it’s not as bad as it sounds, but it does sound pretty bad.
The guy is the snake in the grass here, though. Regrettably, in addition to being the guy who was dumped for “that guy,” I’ve been “that guy” myself before: the guy who knows she has a boyfriend, but who wants to get her in bed, so he acts like a sympathetic ear until she finally realizes she’d rather be with me instead of the boyfriend (which was my plan all along). I’m not proud of having done that, mind you, but I can see it beginning to happen here. If the “friend” was any kind of a good guy, he’d be encouraging OP’s girlfriend to talk to OP about her feelings and problems, not him. How do we know he’s not doing that? Well, there’s a way, but most of you seem to think it would be “unethical.”
Well, I’m satisfied. 
And you don’t because you believe that the end might justify the means, right? Assuming, that is, that you find what you’re looking for. Is that accurate?
Probably because we can’t grok why you can’t leave. Yeah sometimes, it’s hard. Staying faithful is hard too. Doesn’t change the fact that giving into either temptation is wrong.
Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who sees nothing wrong about snooping when it serves his purposes?
I’m guessing you’ve never pulled up stakes to move a long way away from everyone and everything you’ve ever known because your sweetie got a new job, then spent months looking for a job and ways to meet people (and failing) while he has a whole built-in peer group automatically. It’s hard, and the way you feel about your SO gets…complicated in ways that make you feel stupid and assholish and are embarrassing to talk about, especially with the SO.
Basically, no matter how much you love this person and are happy to be with them, no matter where and would follow them to the ends of the earth, you’re sad and lonely and frustrated and it feels like the whole morass of negative feelings is all their fault. And you know it’s not their fault, so you feel guilty about feeling that way, and there’s no way to discuss the issue without making them feel like shit for dragging you off to this place where you’re miserable, which would only make you feel even worse for making them feel bad. You’ve got to vent it somewhere, and old friends who know the SO will eventually mention it to them…having someone who is solely your friend and has nothing to do with the SO can be a real sanity-saver in such a situation.
This might be my favorite post EVER.
Not just that they might mention it, but they might pity you. There’s nothing worse.
I can only speak to my own experience. This is how it would generally go: fiancee had psycho ex. Psycho ex would be quiet for a few months, then would start calling at all hours of the day or night. I would ask what triggered the crazy and would be told “oh, she’s just nuts.” Psycho ex would email me telling me how they’ve slept together. I would confront ex and he would tell me she’s nuts and I can’t believe anything she says. Having no other information other than “she’s crazy” I feel that I have no choice but to believe him, even though I have this gnawing feeling in my gut that something isn’t right. But I love him to the point that I am willing to put up with crazy ex and a general feeling of uneasiness that I am somehow able to quiet. For the time being. Then, crazy calls start again. Fiancee won’t take them in my presence. I know there’s something going on, I just don’t know what. Deep down, I suspect she’s telling the truth about them messing around, but I just can’t accept it without proof. How can I trust this nutjob when fiancee is telling me she’s lying and denying any wrongdoing? Slowly, the uneasiness comes back. I’m now physically sick over it. I can’t concentrate, I can’t eat. I need to know if she’s telling the truth, crazy or no. So I look at his email. At that point, I need to know for my own sanity. And there it is. As horrifying as it was to see, it was a bit of a relief as well. I could finally walk away knowing that he was a good for nothing liar and cheat. If I hadn’t ever looked though, and decided to just leave, I would’ve always wondered if she was telling the truth or if she really was just a nutter. I loved him, I didn’t want to leave. Even though I knew in my gut I had to leave this poisonous relationship eventually, I wouldn’t have been able to actually do it if I’d always be wondering.
This isn’t actually true. I wouldn’t dream of going into my current SO’s email. I have nothing but trust for him because he’s given me no reason not to trust him. The situation I’m in now is completely different from the one I was in before. I only snooped when I truly felt I had no other choice, because my heart was trying to fight my gut and the battle was making me physically ill. Looking back, I know the feeling of uneasiness I couldn’t shake was my intuition SCREAMING at me. Back then I just chalked it up to stress. I consider it a lesson learned. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not.
Absolutely. However, sometimes the heart just can’t let go, despite what the gut is screaming at it. Those are the times when less than honorable measures might need to be taken.