Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry?

[lezlers]

@Asimovian

I don’t fully understand why my last post makes you think that, but I’m not trying to be dishonest about my intentions. I am trying to make arguments for why I think snooping is not appropriate between two equal partners – I thought that was obvious. But what makes you think I’m not interested in hearing from people on the other side of the issue? There are posts in this thread from people I like who have said they have snooped. I’m not trying to be disrespectful by disagreeing with you.

No worries. It just seems like you keep asking questions that don’t really address the reasons us snoopers have given for snooping. Pretty much all the snoopers have said that every time we’ve snooped we’ve found something and have ended the relationship. So asking how far we would go if we didn’t find anything isn’t really a fair question to ask, as it implies that we’re just snooping to snoop, not because we needed hard proof of something we already instinctivly knew.

The word “snoop” is starting to look really funny now…

[cuberdon]

@you_with_the_face

It doesn’t make sense for me to give a dating partner any permission to snoop on me, because that’s the same thing as saying that I might do something he needs to worry about.

You don’t imagine anyone saying “Go ahead and look and satisfy yourself, 'cause there’s nothing going on” and that being the case? As in, all that’s in there are next week’s grocery list, a few pictures of the dog in a funny hat, and some emails from Mom nagging you about going to the dentist more often?

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

I don’t care if my wife snoops on me. I’ve got nothing to hide.

[kayT]

I don’t really have any wisdom for you, Neo-Calredic, except to say I think you should listen to CrazyCatLady and jsgoddess as in my experience they have the right idea. And good luck to both you and your girlfriend.

[Lord_Ashtar]

@Creole_Tomato

This brings me back to my original musing: is there anything you could find which would convince you there was NOTHING going on? I don’t think so. I think it’s more likely that if you don’t find any evidence, you figure “well, that wasn’t incriminating, but I still think there’s something going on. I’ll keep looking.”

When you look for something long enough, you find it.

The only thing I can think of would be an email from him strongly suggesting they get together to “see where things lead” and her replying back that she loved the man she was with and wasn’t going to risk that so they should just be friends.

@Neo-Calredic

I think this is almost exactly what the underlying issue behind all this is. You sound like you’ve been through this before. Any suggestions on how I can help my girlfriend through this? I know it’s probably something she mostly has to figure out on her own, but I’ll do anything I can to make it easier for her.

I recommend you check out www.meetup.com or a similar website and join some social groups together. Not only does this help her meet new people and make new friends, but you get to also. Plus the two of you get to explore this new part of the country that neither of you have lived in before (at least, I think that’s the case).

[kidneyfailure]

It sounds like communication is working at this point, so just go along with that for now and see what unfolds. Keep your eyes open, though.

[you_with_the_face]

@LouiseE

You don’t imagine anyone saying “Go ahead and look and satisfy yourself, 'cause there’s nothing going on” and that being the case?

That’s not snooping, that’s giving someone permission to search. Which is different than someone going through your email behind your back, without your knowledge or consent.

Cheaters can be skilled at hiding their tracks. It’s rather simple to delete incriminating emails and text messages. So a BF assuring me that I can look through his things would not suddenly make my suspicions go away. In fact, that could make them worse if he was too quick to suggest that I do that.

Man, I hope to never have a relationship where this kind of madness goes on.

[billfish678]

A point regarding the snooping.

I’d much rather suffer the indignity of being snooped on and found innocent rather than the SO leaving me WITHOUT any proof just because she “knew” (in her mind) that something was going on.

Back to the OP. Both of you could probably use a hobby/activity that gets you out on weekends. And hobbies are a good way to make new friends and contacts. Check for local hiking clubs, astronomy clubs,paddling/kayaking, bird watching, scuba, rock climbing, surfing, “rock hounds”, old/custom cars, whatever you can think of you might even find remotely interesting. Should be easy to find something local with the internet these days.

[Richard_Pearse]

Neo-Calredic, I had a long post written down but couldn’t get my thoughts straight.

The short version is that my wife has moved to follow me and my job four times in the last twelve years. Every time we move she spends about six months feeling homesick and depressed and then she makes friends and settles in properly.

The catalyst for making friends has ranged from making friends within my circle of work friends, to making friends after getting her own work, to making friends through a common interest such as our children (mother’s group, play grounds, swimming etc.)

I think the challenge for you is to make sure that you are her confidant, not some guy on the phone. It sounds like you know this. Good luck.

[Lust4Life]

How come this woman hasn’t got any friends back home that she can unload on ?

Could be she’s P.Tsing the new guy.

Personally I think that she’s crossed the line, discussing intimate details about her S.O. with another(strange )man,even if she doesn’t sleep with him.

[wonky]

@billfish678

I’d much rather suffer the indignity of being snooped on and found innocent rather than the SO leaving me WITHOUT any proof just because she “knew” (in her mind) that something was going on.

I’d rather be left than lied to.

[billfish678]

@jsgoddess

I’d rather be left than lied to.

That dress does make you look fat.

[wonky]

No, my ass does. The dress is an innocent party.

[Time_Stranger]

@Neo-Calredic

I think this is almost exactly what the underlying issue behind all this is. You sound like you’ve been through this before. Any suggestions on how I can help my girlfriend through this? I know it’s probably something she mostly has to figure out on her own, but I’ll do anything I can to make it easier for her.

I don’t know what your financial situation is, but could you foot the bill for her to sign up for some sort of class? A physical class, like dance or yoga, will not only allow her to get out of the house and move, but also allow her to meet new people. She could also look for running or cycling clubs which would help her explore the town. Exercise might also help her shake the blues.

If she’s not into that sort of thing, maybe a crafting, writing, cake decorating, or art class where she can create and feel like she’s making something useful? Your volunteering idea is also a good one since it will help her develop ties to the community. I hope things work out for her! It can be really hard to find a place for yourself in a new town, but if she gets out and makes an effort, it should come in time.

[Blaster_Master]

I don’t really have a whole lot of advice to give you, and it sounds like you’re getting good advice from people who have been in those situations, but I want to commend you for how you’re handling the situation. Yes, this sort of situation is a red flag, but not necessarily that she was cheating on you, as you’ve found out. There’s nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, and this seems like exactly the sort of situation that isn’t just easier because he’s not someone that you know, but there just seem like some things that are easier to discuss with the opposite sex.

It looks like you have a solid basis of trust in the relationship and it’s good to see that you’ve raised the issue and talked about it in a non-confrontational way. Hopefully, it will help you feel better about the situation, as it looks like it did, and will also help her feel more comfortable about coming to you to talk about it and seek your help as she needs it, and less from an outside source.

Either way, I imagine that as she finds things to occupy her time, particularly when she finds a job and can start making friends, most or all of the problem ought to go away. Best of luck to both of you.

[Nefarious_Chipmunk]

I just wanted to let you know that I went through almost this exact same thing with my husband recently. We just moved to a new area, near my family, he was unemployed and having a hard time and didn’t feel like he could talk to me. He started talking to a girl he had known when he was younger. The difference is that he hid it from me and even went to go visit her without telling me. I only found out after the fact when I woke up in the wee hours and realized that he wasn’t around, as in not in the house. I opened the computer in hopes of a clue to where he was and there was a chat still open with this girl and it ended with him saying he would call her.

At this point, I tried calling him and he didn’t pick up. When he came back, I asked where he was and he lied, telling me he had just gone for a walk, in the poring rain. Needless to say, at that point, the SH** hit the fan. I freaked out at him. There was a lot of crying and him swearing that nothing happened, etc. I started snooping. I am not proud of it, but he was lying to me and I had to know what was going on. That is how I found out about the visit (and that he was planning another one). I told him what I had found and told him that he would not be visiting her. While I don’t condone snooping (you really do always find stuff, by the way) I was honest with him about what I was doing and told him that the only way I would feel comfortable that nothing was going on was if I could see it.

He felt really horrible about it all, but still doesn’t understand that what he did was a kind of cheating. He says that he never really thought that it was a problem, since nothing (physical) was going on. He really didn’t understand the boundaries that exist when you are married / in a committed relationship. I have to think he at least had at least a subconscious thought because he lied about it, but he claims he just thought I would have a problem with him being friends with a girl.

We have never had any kind of issue like this in our 10 years together. I totally trusted him. I NEVER would have thought that something like this could happen. He is having a hard time realizing that this has changed our relationship and I am having a hard time trusting him again. We are working through it, but it is hard.

I guess the point is, talking to her about it is key. If you feel uncomfortable about it, it IS a problem, even if nothing (physical) is going on. Having an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex can be just a painful as having a physical one. She may not realize that what she is doing is inappropriate (from your talk with her, I assume this is the case) and just feel like she can’t really talk to you. That doesn’t make what she’s done okay, and I think it is important that you make that clear, to keep something like this from happening again.

I know that things will work out with me and my SO, and I am glad that your problem didn’t reach the point that mine did, but don’t feel like you are over-reacting. As many have said before, this kind of thing can be a slippery slope and a good relationship is worth fighting for.

[Nefarious_Chipmunk]

Oh, and on the whole snooping thing, while I am not proud of it, my snooping is also what convinced me that nothing physical had happened. So, something good did come from it.

[CrazyCatLady]

@billfish678

I’d much rather suffer the indignity of being snooped on and found innocent rather than the SO leaving me WITHOUT any proof just because she “knew” (in her mind) that something was going on.

See, and I’d infinitely rather be dumped under any circumstances than be with someone who a) doesn’t trust me and b) doesn’t respect me enough to be honest with me about said distrust.

[Cat_Whisperer]

There seems to be a lot of ignorance about emotional affairs. They are so easy to have these days, with cellphones and IM and email and PMing, and it can be really difficult to say where the boundary is between having a friend of your preferred sex and having an emotional affair that negatively affects your relationship (but there definitely is a big difference). As many people have already said, an emotional affair can be just as devastating as a physical one, which a lot of people don’t realize - they have an idea that if no touching occurred, everything’s acceptable.

One of the ways I’ve heard it described is that a friend should also be a friend of the relationship; they should be known to both parties, and they should also support the relationship. It’s a warning flag if you are keeping your friendship hidden (or going out to talk so your partner won’t hear), or if your preferred-sex friend talks about your relationship negatively (or if you use your preferred-sex friend to dump on your relationship yourself). You and your partner should be building a safe place together; you shouldn’t be tearing that down with a third party.

[Nefarious_Chipmunk]

@Cat_Whisperer

There seems to be a lot of ignorance about emotional affairs. They are so easy to have these days, with cellphones and IM and email and PMing, and it can be really difficult to say where the boundary is between having a friend of your preferred sex and having an emotional affair that negatively affects your relationship (but there definitely is a big difference). As many people have already said, an emotional affair can be just as devastating as a physical one, which a lot of people don’t realize - they have an idea that if no touching occurred, everything’s acceptable.

One of the ways I’ve heard it described is that a friend should also be a friend of the relationship; they should be known to both parties, and they should also support the relationship. It’s a warning flag if you are keeping your friendship hidden (or going out to talk so your partner won’t hear), or if your preferred-sex friend talks about your relationship negatively (or if you use your preferred-sex friend to dump on your relationship yourself). You and your partner should be building a safe place together; you shouldn’t be tearing that down with a third party.

I completely agree with this post. One of the most painful things regarding what happened with me and my husband was the fact that he was talking to someone who I had never met about things he wouldn’t talk to me about.