Ok, speaking as a guy I have no idea if I’m even “allowed” to be upset over this. I went out with my girlfriend and her friend last night, her friend has known her for years and I have been datting this woman for about 4.5 months but things have been going well, very well in my oppinion. Anyway on to the story…
The first odd thing that happened was that I got a call on the way asking me why I was comming, I reminded her that she invited me. I offered to turn arround and go home if they wanted a girl talk. I recived “well since you are on your way go ahead and get here” kind of thing.
The next odd thing is the seeting arrangment, it was a corner booth with chairs on one side, my signifant other (SO) was sitting at the head of the table and hr friend and I flanked her. I’m an old fashioned guy and do like to sit next to my SO while eating, usially put my arm across her shoulder before or after the meal. I was hampered because of the odd seating arrangment.
This is where it gets weird and really bothered me, these two are such good friends that they feel it ok to play flirt and joke about lesbian sex. I know full well that my SO would never cross that line, we have talked about this several times. Anyway in the position I was in all I could do was hold her hand (perfectaly acceptable contact) but the friend kept groping my SO’s thigs and hips telling me that “if you get to touch her then I do too”. She would also touch and grope my SO while I was just sitting there. Finally I told them to stop and that it was making me uncomfortable and very annoyed. The final act was me having to put a wrist lock on the friend to force her arm from arround my SO.
In the parking lot I explained my displeasure with her conduct and the conduct of her friend, I got the “we were only playing” excuse. I admit if this would have been a guy he would probally be eating through a tube at the moment.
Was this all just some stupid girl crap cooked up because the friend didn’t want me there, so they could have a girl talk?
So let the flaming begin… call me a jealous bastard if you like but I found this very unacceptable. It almost makes me wonder what she is dooing when I am not sitting right there watching.
Once you went home, they probably talked about how much of an ass you made of yourself. Your days with her are numbered and it’s because you acted like an idiot.
I would say lighten up, otherwise things could get out of hand. I will say that if your girlfriend knows you don’t like this kind of thing then she shouldn’t expose you to it, likewise if you know you don’t like that type of thing or are uncomfortable in those situations, don’t put yourself in them. It could be that your girlfriend may be into sex with women and would like you to join in, and this was a way of testing the waters, i.e. to see if you like the friend. I think you should keep your options open, it could be fun.
Of course you’re allowed to be upset, but IMHO it sounds like they were just goofing around. (It’s hard to know without being there, of course.) So maybe your GF was somewhat insensitive, perhaps even rude, but it sounds like you’re getting more upset than is worthwhile.
I’d be more upset at the fact that your GF didn’t apologize that she made you uncomfortable than at her behavior per se. On the other hand, maybe she now thinks you’re really uptight and can’t take a joke. Sounds like you guys need to communicate better.
In that sort of context, sounds like the friend has some weird head games in mind. A best friend is not an SO (though an SO could be a best friend) and she was obviously trying to show him she was as ‘important’ as he is.
I don’t think he’s the one who made an ass of himself - my friend and I are very open with each other ( I am bi, she is not) and I would never presume to throw myself all over her in the presence of her SO, no matter how long they had been dating. It’s disrespectful to BOTH of them.
If she IS interested in a threesome or in seeing women seperately from him, there are more adult ways of approaching the discussion.
You physically manhandled this woman because she put her arm around your girlfriend’s shoulders?
This woman has been your girlfriend’s friend for many years and you assaulted her because your immature, overblown ego got all out of joint because it couldn’t stand to bear witness to your girlfriend having a close relationship with someone else?
Whatever your girlfriend decides to do to you – short, perhaps, of throwing you in the Mississippi – you’ll deserve. You acted like a complete fool, and a bully and a child. Be glad that I wasn’t the girlfriend’s friend – the wrist lock would’ve bought you a broken nose.
Grow up. Get a life. Try becoming a decent human being before considering inflicting your narrow and selfish personality on another via dating.
And before you ever think about laying hands on another woman, remember that some of us will hurt you for that kind of nonsense.
Well, first of all, I’m mystified why this would be offensive, when a great many guys I know would sacrifice substantial portions of their anatomy to be in the same position.
That aside, though…it’s ok to have been annoyed. It’s ok to have voiced your displeasure. I think the wrist-lock might have been going a bit too far, but then again I’m old-fashioned like that.
At this rate, sure, you’re gonna scare her off; but if it really bugs you that much, who’s to say you’re not better off that way? Either she doesn’t see it as being that offensive and can’t understand why you’re upset, or she DOES know it’s offensive and doesn’t give a shit that you’re upset.
Suggestion: go rent “Chasing Amy,” and gain enlightenment.
I think those two girls acted immaturely and inconsiderately. If you had already discussed this subject with her, and she acted disinterested, it was very childish of her to flaunt it before you later on. I seems as though she may either want it, in which case she should tell you, or she was just getting off seeing your reaction when she was acting flirtatious with her friend. Such passive aggressive crap is stupid, and it was no fault of yours.
Hmmm…My original response to this story was that you have no reason to be angry.
She does.
You explained your displeasure at their conduct, is she a child you may thusly lecture?
You are sure she will never cross ‘that line’? Perhaps her line and your line are in different areas?
Basically, I don’t feel that her behavior was that bad, she had a good time with her friend, perhaps they drank wine and got a little silly. Happens to all of us.
The problem here (imho) seems to be that she may be a little more open minded about issues like that, maybe she is testing the water, and maybe she is curious…It may be better for the relationship not expect your limits to be her limits?
This was only after I had finally gotten next to my SO and could finally just relax and then the friend procedes to put her arm arround my SO and push me away, so I reached up and put a very weak wrist lock on her, I was using two fingers… (this is also a girl who grew up with 6 brothers) and lifted her arm off and placed it aside.
This was all the restraint I could muster after watching this for over an hour and several request for them to cut it out.
Was she okay with what her friend was doing? She seemed to be. IMO you’re overreacting here and went over the line with the wrist bit. You know she’d never have sex with another woman. You get to be with her, so what’s so bad about a friend jokingly touching her?
Your girlfriend might be looking for someone who is more okay with other people “flirting” with her. If you aren’t okay with this, perhaps it’s time to look for someone more in your line of thinking.
Just out of curiosuty (raised by your OP and furthered by LOTL’s) … would you be okay with her discovering she was more into women than she had previously thought? Would you furthermore be okay with her wanting to explore the sexual side of women with/without you? I ask because you seem to be a tad unsure/insecure of/with yourself. Remember (if this is true): you get to be intimate with her. Her friend may joke about it, but you’re the one (again, if this is the case) she sleeps with.
Well, as tlw answered your question Venoma. He had no right to put a wrist-lock on the other woman. If his girlfriend accepts the overtures from her friend, he can decide he’s not comfortable in the relationship and leave. But he has no right to physically restrain her in any way. Would you really put up with a guy who grabbed your friend’s wrist because she put her arm around you?
He came off as a controling asshole. First he’s upset with the seating arrangement that hampered his ability to control access to his girlfriend. Then he physically assaults her friend. Then he acknowledges he’s prone to violence with the comment “if this would have been a guy he would probally be eating through a tube at the moment”.
It sounds to me that if he doesn’t learn to control his temper a little and realize violence is not a good response, then he’s going to get to visit the inside of a County Facility in the future.
Hence, I say idiot and asshole.
If he had keep the exchange verbal, then he’d have a defense. But he crossed a line when he got physical with the friend.
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Maybe this was her silent plea for a three-way. Do so, then dump her.
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Good idea, only two snags…
I really love and care about my SO, or why else would I be mad at someone else pawing her. Yea I know I could also just be a selfish bastard, but this was more hurt than “get your hands off MY woman!”
Even if the SO wanted a threesome, I would never go anywhere near her friend who would make the whore of Bablyon blush with her sexual exploits.
I have “joke flirted” with some of my closer female friends from college arround her and she was visably annoyed so I imediatly stoped and showed her the attention that was lacking… What I’m asking is it right for her to be able to get annoyed but not for me? I have the double standard game playing bullshit.
My thoughts are that you had every right to be pissed. You did not act appropriately however.
I think the best action would have been to state when it started that you were uncomfortable and ask them to stop. If they continued, I would have excused myself. If your gf did not come with you, leave and do not talk with gf until she contacts you.
Your possessive/jealous reaction was justified but will lower the interest your gf has in you. The fact that your gf allowed you to be in this situation and did nothing to relieve your discomfort means that her interest level in you is not high.
On second thought, when your gf asked why your were coming, you should turned around right then. I don’t think you should dump her, but I would resume dating other women.
Homebrew: point taken there - he sounds somewhat controlling but no better nor worse than the others in the situation. Violence was not a good response to the situation, but it sounds like it wasn’t the first response. It also doesn’t seem that violent according to his description above.
He really should have left before he’d so upset as to make that move - but my gf would have gotten a proposition from me - either start treating ME with a little more respect or I will leave for good.
Sorry, I am very hung up on the way she treated someone who’s supposedly her SO.
