If she was so open-minded then she should have said, before they got there, “I like grope and fondle my female friends in public. Will that be a problem for you?” I have no problem with bisexuality or multiple relationships, but I don’t think it is unreasonable for him to expect after 4.5 months exclusivity that she wouldn’t begin pawing at other people. If she wanted to change the limits of the relationship, she should have talked about it first. It would not be better for the relationship if she arbitrarily decides to change the limits at the expense of making him miserable.
Actuially she wasn’t really ok with all the touching, she batted away most of the advances by the friend and has told me on several occasions that she hates it when this girl does this. The virbal play was fine, but the touching was over the limit.
When she pushed me off of my SO as we finally got close and she layed her head on my shoulder, that is only when I iniated physical contact. Sorry I let my base instincts of territory get the best of me. I was so gentle in removing her arm that she even sneared “is this suposed to hurt”.
If it would have been a guy he would probally be fine and not eating from a tube (sorry I can talk big but could never hurt anyone)… but I would use my size to intimidate and probally escorte him from the building. I’d even pay his tab to get rid of him.
I have a female friend that’s very affectionate with me. She likes to hug and put her arm around me, etc. etc.
If my BF got offended by this, I would think it was really odd. If he told her to stop touching me, I would think he was out of line. If he grabed my friend’s wrist to move her arm from me, it would be game over.
Grow up - they were flirting and joking. If you can’t stand for your GF to have an affectionate female friend, your jealousy meter is set WAY too high.
NPavelka: You aren’t the asshole here. While it would have been better if you had been strictly verbal (do make efforts to restrain yourself in the future), you didn’t assault her, so you’re cool. I’d suggest a heart-to-heart with your SO about what you and her are comfortable with, and possibly some words with the friend regarding limits. Girls will goof around, of course, but it sounds from your description like her friend saw that it annoyed you, and did it on purpose just to get under your skin, or that she was making a power play.
Then again, you might have just misread it all, and she might have been just playing around. We can’t know without being there, but at worst your actions were stupid, but not relationship-ending stupid, IMHO. Don’t make a habit of it, though.
Homebrew: Calm down. He wasn’t violent, he was calm and restrained. He asked her to stop, she didn’t. He removed her hand from his girlfriend. Yes, he intruded on her personal space, but he didn’t assault her. Methinks you’re jumping the gun on pronouncing judgement.
With every additional “explanation” NPavelka is digging a deeper hole for himself.
If you really “love and care” about your SO, you wouldn’t have acted like a pushy, petulant child when she was having fun with a friend who has been in her life for much, much longer than you have. You wouldn’t have gotten your nose out of joint because someone with whom your SO has no sexual history and in whom she holds no a sexual interest was playfully touching her.
You tipped your hand, however, with your whore of babylon epithet. You don’t like the friend, and you were already upset before you got there because of the phone call. Then you got there and saw the seating arrangement and got even more upset. (Oh no, I can’t drape myself all over my girlfriend for one dinner! I must react negatively to this!) You were probably treating the friend poorly from the moment you walked into the door.
Let’s face it – you’re angry that this promiscuous slattern is still a part of your SO’s life. She’s a dirty slut. She doesn’t deserve to be friends with your SO. Therefore you’re feeling justified in having gotten all peeved because she dared put her hands on your girlfriend.
Guess what, pal? Your girlfriend owns her own body. If she wasn’t objecting to the touching, you had no right to.
If it made you mad, especially since you arrived in a huff and your bad attitude only escalated as the evening proceeded, then you should have left. Instead, you chose to get hostile, you got confrontational, and you crossed the line by grabbing the friend. That about trumps everything that may have been done “to” you, in spades.
Yes, they were being silly. Yes, they were ignoring your feelings. Guess what? They deserved to be ignored, because you came in to the situation peeved. You didn’t need to be there. You weren’t especially wanted, which you knew.
What did you expect would happen?
This is a key element that is missing from the OP and your posts in this thread up to this point, IMO. And it makes me wonder about a few things…
“The first odd thing that happened was that I got a call on the way asking me why I was comming, I reminded her that she invited me.”
She might have had something planned with the girl. She may further think (this premise is based on what I have understood to be the truth relative to y’all from this thread only. If I’m off-base, tell me:)) you are against the idea of girl-girl action, and this is why she was batting away even joking advances on her from her friend, and also why she’s said to you that she wouldn’t “cross that line”. I don’t recall you saying if said friend knows “I know full well that my SO would never cross that line, we have talked about this several times.”
Or it’s possible that her female friend was testing the waters with you, wondering how comfortable you were with the idea. You haven’t told us, at least in here, why you don’t want her crossing that line, either.
A lot of questions unanswered here.
Dr. Lao,
You’ve already been answered by the OP, but yes, his girlfriend was apparently not initiating the touching, the other girl was.
I think they do need to talk, and hopefully not a talk of ‘limits’ as much as ‘what are you okay with, what do you want,?’
A serious question for alice_in_wonderland: If your boyfriend had a male friend who did the same thing (touching, flirting, groping) with him, how would you feel? How would you feel if you told him it made you uncomfortable and yet the touching, flirting, and groping continued? How would you feel if he invited you over, and then forgot about doing so, and then all that stuff happened? Wouldn’t you feel more than a little mistreated?
tlw:
He said he was invited. She forgot, but then told him to come over anyway. If she didn’t want him there, she should have told him so. He even suggested that.
He played the martyr card in the OP, which implies he knows he was out of line but wants us to soothe his conscious. Ain’t gonna happen.
Notice how the story has changed significantly now?
In the OP “they feel it ok to play flirt and joke about lesbian sex”
Now, in full justification mode, he says “she wasn’t really ok with all the touching”
If she was uncomfortable, she would have put a stop to it.
NPavelka-
Having been a woman for all of my 26 years, and a girlfriend for about 11 yrs. of that (not to the same person), I have to tell you that it sounds like she’s trying to get you to dump her, so she doesn’t have to do it. It’s the time-honored “Make Yourself as Unappealing as Possible Through Obnoxious Behavior”. Even her attitude before you went out was indicative of that. It sounds like she and her friend were plotting to make you feel angry and uncomfortable. You don’t have to put up with that. If you find her behavior to be unacceptable to you, then it is unacceptable.
It’s just that simple. She should learn that you can’t hold people to standards that she herself can’t follow. I suggest that you get out now, and try to find someone who can respect you. Also, this phenomena isn’t limited to women. My brother spent the entire night of his birthday drunk off his ass and puking everywhere to drive away his ex. It smacks of immaturity and indecisiveness. Make her decision for her.
TLW… well actuially I was invited, I even offered to turn arround if they wanted “girl time”… I had nothing but relaxing planned for the evening anyway. I was more or less confused at the call.
I’m wondering if your evolved sence relationship would still be in effect if it would have been someone of the oppise sex. Would I have been at all justified in getting upset if it was a guy who had done this? What if it was your SO and an old friend playing arround, groping and such, if you tell me you wouldn’t disapprove you are lying through your teath. It dosen’t matter that the friend was female, it’s still a matter that it was disrespectful.
I could care less about the friends sex life, that is until she pushed it into my relationship. She was making sexual ovitures to my SO, so guess what her sex life does come into play. Normally I actuially enjoy this girls company, we have fun together with and apart from my SO, she has become as much a drinking buddie as some of my other femal friends from college. Thus I have no sexual intrest in her, she has ceased being female to me and become only a friend… an honorary guy if you will. So thus I really don’t appreciate a “guy” friend comming on to my SO.
Yes she does own her own body, and she did slap away most of the advances by the friend. Sorry but when you agree to share a monogmous exclusive relationship, this sort of “play” tends to fall beyond most people’s boundries.
Homebrew, sorry flirting and joking are two diffrent things than overt carressing and fondling… the flirting I don’t have as much of a problem with as long it’s kept in perspective, as just that joking and flirting. The touching I do have a problem with, expecially touching in somewhat sexual areas, like the thigh, hips and butt.
Add another vote here for the ‘passive-aggressive’ dumping attempt. I think you two definately have some talking to do although I imagine that part of your thought process here was just to collect your thoughts, no?
Yea and to vent so I can have a rational discussion with her about this… normally I’m a sane normal nice guy boyfriend. This just really stuck in my craw! :mad:
Hmmmm… I don’t know tthis girl, or the other girl, but i know NPavelka. It is quite possible he overreacted (he usually doesn’t like it when people start doing stupid things), but he is really upset over this, so i think it is less him overreacting and more her (and morespecifically, her friend) who is majority at fault. If i had met her, i might know more about whether she is passively dumping.
I wouldn’t call or otherwise contact the woman at all. Let her contact you if she wants to. If she doesn’t contact you, count your blessings and move on to someone else.
Is it possible the friend wants a type of relationship with your SO that your SO doesn’t want, i.e., sexual, and just won’t take no for an answer?
Ok, serious answer:
Been there, done that, bought the T-Shirt, felt perfectly fine about it. In fact, a former BF used to open mouth kiss one of his pals, with tongue on a fairly regular basis. Why should that bother me? It has nothing to do with me - it’s a long established part of their relationship that was there way before I came into the picture.
**
Well, #1 I wouldn’t tell him that. His body belongs to him, not me. If he has a touchy-feely relationship with his long-term pal, and I don’t like it, I guess I’m up shit creek, so to speak.
Never try to change someone - you’ll just make yourself miserable.
All what stuff? The girlfriend was goofing around with her long-time pal, and NPavelka got snitty about it.
I have no time for petty jealousy, and any guy that dates me knows that. If he want’s to go and flirt with his girl/guy friends, that’s fine. If I want to flirt with my girl/guy friends, that better be fine too.
Like I said previously - NPavelka needs to grow up. Unless his lady was being assulted, he had no business interfering.
I’m enjoying the amount of back peddling that our dear OP is doing. But we’ll start at the top.
So you are “the new guy” and this is her long time friend. 4.5 months is nothing in the terms of a long term friendship, no matter how well you may think things are going.
So you are insecure and need to glom onto your gal at all possible moments, and were threatened from the get go when you couldn’t. Sorry, my sympathy doth not over run.
I do feel for you getting all up in arms about her friend touching her. Wait, actually I don’t. Though when you mentioned that you were an uptight possessive prick, they should have stopped, or your gf should have taken the opportunity to tell you where you could get off. The wrist lock is not excuseable, however hard you try to re-explain it later. I know, personally, that the supposed SO of mine that has the gall to even threaten to harm one of my long term friends will never say another word to me outside of a restraining order on him. And my other hand will be calling the police. No one, no matter who, get to abuse my friends, much less do so and think I still care if they breathe.
If it so horrible for someone to touch someone you have marked as your own, why does thier gender matter? If you’re going to be a violent possesive psycho, at least try not to be sexist about it. Yup, you’re a jealous bastard, and after that behavior from you I wouldn’t be dating you anymore. (And no, it wouldn’t matter if it were a guy or a girl for me, I have friends of both flavors and am equally touchy with both of them. Let me pause and thank the heavens that I’m with the world’s greatest guy, who didn’t care that I watched a movie in his living room with my friend J’s head in my lap. This upset J’s boyfriend more than mine.)
After your original post you go on to try to qualify what you originally passoff as “having to put a wrist lock on her friend” and admitting a level of violent intent that would hospitalise her down to “gentle”. I don’t buy it. Either you lied the first time in an attempt to show vigor and then backed off when violence wasn’t accepted or you’re lying now. Either way, you’re a putz.
Then you call her friend a whore. I hope that speaks for itself, since you recanted afterwards. In the attempt to be obvious, this was a bad move. All of your back peddling explinations help you none.
So no, no pity for you and your behavior was horribly icky. If your SO has any sort of common sense she should dump you and let you find a weak willed doormat of a woman, that in all honesty, you would be happier with. She wouldn’t have anything so horrible as friends and would count you as the center of her existance. Or you could get a blow up doll. You could even beat up on her and she’d bounce right back. Modern uppity women do nasty things like call the police, even if they deserved it.
Hey NPavelka, I just think that the friend of your SO is jealous of you and decided to make you look bad. I also think