Girlfriend ranting (longer than I had originally thought)

The BBQ Pit
41

Hey NPavelka, I just think that the friend of your SO is jealous of you and decided to make you look bad. I also think Medea’s Child is kind of right but a little harsh and slightly exagerated. You’re going to need to learn that looking the other way is a hell of an offensive manoeuvre in this type of a situation.

It also sounds like the “why are you coming” question was said in the presence of the friend - you know, the girlfriend might not want to show friend that you mean too much to her. Hence, trying not to make friend feel like a third wheel by sitting next to you and (presumably) not ‘sticking up for you’ or, at worst, ‘playing along’. At worst, worst, ‘testing you’, but if it was that, I think you’d know deep down inside already that this relationship is all over but the breakup.

Anyway, I’d just relax, play it as no big deal, try not to bring it up first. If she does, you say, hey, yeah I sort of overeacted because I had a bad day and wanted to be alone with you and talk about [this really important whatever that allegedly happened to you earlier in the day]. And then make sure not to repeat the overly possessive behavior again. Ever. It’s a true sign of weakness - girls don’t usually go for that.

As good measure, too, I’d start bringing some eligible guys (or girls, who knows) along when you meet the girlfriend and friend together at the same time. Friend’s jealous behavior might just disappear if she has an SO of her own…or at least somebody she’s trying to impress during dinner.

42

Powers106 is correct about “looking the other way.” It seems to me that Girl B was out to deliberately piss you off and make you look like an asshole, and you obliged. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and all that.

I agree with those who say you should begin the search for a new SO, as your story indicates rather major compatibility issues with the current woman. If you have any cause to get into a similar situation in the future, though, you should pay closer attention to what the initial offender – I’ll call her Girl B – is really trying to do. You can defeat that not by confronting it, which is what you did and wound up looking like a jerk, but by simply refusing to play the game. Recognize the tactic, ignore it, and feel superior.

Had you done that in this situation, Girl B would have gotten more and more obnoxious on her own, as she worked harder and harder to get a reaction out of you. She tries to piss you off, you don’t respond, she tries harder. Eventually your girlfriend would have had to take responsibility for telling her friend to knock it off. Result: Girl B is the raving asshole, you walk away smelling like a rose (as contrasted from what actually happened: you both come off as assholes, but from an impartial view you wound up being slightly worse).

Trust me: You can beat somebody at his or her own game by recognizing the game they’re trying to play and refusing to get caught up in it. If you’re unable to do this, then Homebrew may very well be correct about your anger and jealousy issues.

43

I’m seeing this in a less sexual light than most of you, I think.

Could it be that the girlfriend and/or her friend have noticed how touchy-feely NPavelka tends to be and the friend was teasing him (and his girlfriend) by aping it? I remember, about a million years ago when I was single, dating a guy who seemed to need constant contact with me when we were together. Even though it annoyed me, in the early part of the relationship I didn’t say anything about it. My friends, however, would rib me about it, and I did tell them that it bugged me.

You see, I’m old-fashioned, and I don’t like public displays of affection, especially in restaurants.

44

That depends on the attitude in which it was done. There is no one answer for any situation.

**

First of all, my husband has female friends who have been in his life as long or longer than I, and I don’t “disapprove” of what he does or doesn’t do with them, because 1.) I trust him and 2.) I trust them (because my husband has good judgment when it comes to who is and is not a part of his life) and 3.) if I was upset by some behavior I am adult enough to express that to my husband in a fashion that would resolve the issue without hostility or violence.

See, that’s what adult relationships and adult responses to tough situations are about – trust and propriety. You, and your response to this situation, lack both.

**

Bullshit. She didn’t push anything into your relationship. And if you could “care less,” then you wouldn’t possibly have enough information or enough interest to quantify her sex life enough to label her as having had “exploits” outrageous enough to make the whore of Babylon blush. That’s what you said. That’s an extraordinarily strong thing to say, an insult of rather high magnitude, especially about someone whose exploits you supposedly take no interest in.

**

Now she was making overtures! First it was just touching, then groping, now it’s overtures.

I love it, this story gets more elaborate as it goes on. First it was both the friend and your girlfriend kidding around. You said about them: "these two are such good friends that they feel it ok to play flirt and joke about lesbian sex. " Playing, flirting and joking. Your words. Now it’s changed, now it’s the big bad slut’s fault, she was coming on to your innocent, aggrieved girlfriend. Uh huh. Soon we’ll hear that the friend tried to take your girlfriend’s clothes off, or stick her tongue down the poor, hapless girlfriend’s throat as she made futile attempts to fight the awful hussy dyke off.

Just stop. For the love of all that’s holy, stop.

I am glad that I’m married. I’d hate to think that I might date a man like you. I’d hate to think that my friends would have to temper their behavior with me that was comfortable and what we were used to because someone like you might get all jealous and bitter and cause a scene and then start badmouthing my friends on a message board.

I pray that your “SO” never puts herself in that situation again.

45

Someone was feeling up his girlfriend, he gets pissed, asked multiple times to stop, and he’s being a territorial prick?

I understand there is the issue of an old friend vs. new boyfriend, but isn’t there a line to be drawn somewhere?

And even if him getting jealous/protective was inappropriate, shouldn’t the women (both, in this instance) maybe, y’know, give a shit about him and his wishes? I somehow doubt that the the two women are perfectly, 100% reasonable in every moment, through every emotion (as goes for members of both genders). If two people were intentionally trying to piss me off playing off a trait they know of, as these women were doing, I’d tell them to kindly knock it the fuck off, too. Of course, this situation wouldn’t happen with me, because I try to steer clear of immature schumcks in the first place.

NPavelka: I hope you can get this cleared us with your girlfriend ASAP.

46

I think the freind’s behavior was out of line, but the situation was handled badly.

However, I know firsthand how dangerous of an emotion jealousy is. I’ve seen it drive people to very uncharacteristic behavior.

47

You committed battery against her friend because you didn’t like what she was doing? Geez, man, get a clue.

48

[BCervaise** and cleosia are correct.

Your SO’s friend has a sexual interest in your SO. I would lay odds the SOsF was the one who talked your SO into dis-inviting you.

The SOsF was persisting in her attempted fondling of your SO to

a) try to piss you off so you would react badly and look bad, and

b) establish territoriality over your SO. You put your arm around your SO; the SOsF started fondling her ass and thighs because that is a more intimate gesture, and thus she establishes dominance over you.

There is no chance of a threesome in your future, unless the SOsF thinks there is a chance to use this to establish or regain a sexual relationship with the SO and exclude you.

You are in direct sexual competition with the SOsF. It sounds like your SO has some problems with passive-aggressive behavior, or she would have shut down the SOsF more definitely than she did.

When this kind of behavior recurs - it will - feel free to state loudly “(SO’s name here) already asked you to keep your hands to yourself”. The SOsF will respond with “that is none of your business” or “we are just fooling around” or something dismissive like that. Repeat the same thing in the same words and intonation. No matter what she says, repeat the same thing in the same words and intonation. If you do this often enough, the SOsF will continue her mixture of seduction and undercutting you, but only when you are not present. This you can’t control, and shouldn’t bother to try. Eventually your SO will decide on one or the other, or your relationship with the SO will come to a natural end.

Regards,
Shodan

49

Definitely childish behavior. First, it’s not your responsibility to determine who can and cannot touch your girlfriend. She is the one that determines that. If you don’t like it, tough. You do not own her, no matter how long you’ve dated.
This little incident was nothing more than a spiff about who had ‘rights’ to the girlfriend. She must have enjoyed the whole incident, being the center of attention and having two people make a big deal over her. She certainly got her ego boosted.
Sounds like you all need to grow up. I don’t see any adults in the situation. When you truly love and care from someone, you have a thing called ‘trust’ and with that, you don’t feel the need to have to worry about your SO’s actions. Not being a touchy feely kind of person with anyone but my very closest friends, and then confining that to appropriate situations, like a good-bye hug or something of that nature, putting your hands on anyone else is questionable. Putting your arm around your SO before or after a meal, what’s with that? holding hands is fine but you have to drape yourself around her? Kind of like when a dog pisses around the yard to mark his territory? Sorry, when I’m with someone then there’s no doubt about it, without the draping making out in public. Certainly small actions of affection are very appropriate, but please, use some common sense.
Neither of you really need to be in a serious relationship right now. At least not until you get some marturity.

50

I love this. Having your girlfriend grope your ass after you have tried to get her to stop is OK; having your boyfriend put his arm around your shoulders is an inappropriate PDA.

Admit it, if it were an old guy friend with his hand on her thigh after she slapped it away, you would all be screaming “Sexual harassment!”

Regards,
Shodan

51

Ah Jeeze. I hate responding to these things now when I don’t know the person, as I don’t know if we’re just being jerked around.

But taking the OP at face value…I think some people need to perhaps take a deep breath, and think about a person who may be very insecure about relationships due to having been burned a lot or mistreated in the past, and then having been thrown into a situation that seems clearly out-of-the-ordinary and odd. Think about that first, before rushing to castigate.

I would not stand for any other female, let alone any male, touching my SO or acting in that way. I would likely have stormed out, or made a scene. I don’t think I would have put a “wrist lock” on her, whatever that really is/was, but if I felt like I was being openly snubbed and insulted, then I would be angry. And if my SO didn’t approve of the groping, or if it was a male…things would have been really, really…dangerous.

Una

52

The way I look at this, the two women were on a date and this scum of a guy crashed it. They said they were just kidding because he started to attack one of them and I suspect they said they were just kidding because they were afraid that he’s either beat one (or both) of them up or even rape one (or both) of them. Being bisexual can be tough in today’s world, especially with jealous piles of crap running around out there acting like they own their girlfriends.

Guys like NPavelka scare the shit out of me. Y’all can rot in hell.

53

If my SO treated a friend of mine like that I’d dump his ass so quick his head would spin. You were with her 4 or 5 months and she’s know this woman for years? Sounds like you are the intruder. It is shitty of her to spring this on you in public, on the other hand with your temper in private she might fear worse violence.

When I introduced my husband to be to my longtime girlfriend, he treated her with kindness and respect. He did not mind us flirting or even making out, but then I was also careful not to exclude him either. I told him the score ahead of time and he was wonderful. That’s why he got to be my husband. Oddly, my husband seems to enjoy watching me make out with another woman.

54

Ok, let me just say some people (ahem) seem to be coming into this with their own agendas.

Let’s assume that, as the OP describes, his SO is straight. They are in a monogamous relationship (I’m assuming here) so that if the behaviour he described is accurate, that could definately be something outside of the confines of their agreed-upon relationship.

Again, I’m with Antracite. Way out of order, but would’ve best been dealt with by just leaving the situation and dealing with the SO later, in private. The ‘wrist’ thing was completely inappropriate.

I think that lee and KellyM have a unique relationship which works well for them, and that’s grand. But it’s not the same type of relationship that the OP described, so the same rules do not apply.

55

KellyM, are you being deliberately obtuse? The OP said he offered to go back home, the GF said not to. The GF is apparently NOT bisexual (or at least, he doesn’t know). Even if she was, what right does it give her to be groped and fondled in front of her supposed BF?

I’m going to give you a big surprise… ready for it? Some people don’t like their SO’s to be groped by others! I know, hard to believe, isn’t it? The nerve of some people, actually not wanting their SO’s to be felt up by someone else.

Shit, according to some of the replies in this thread, the GF could go out and fuck the daylights out of the Notre Dame football team, and he shouldn’t complain one bit, it’s her body, right? She can do what she want’s with it, and who is he to be so controlling?

It is a reasonable reaction to be unhappy to watch your SO be felt up by another. Not everyone will have such a reaction (I don’t know if I would) but to say it isn’t understandable is just stupid. He was obviously unhappy watching the display, and said so. The reaction… just turn up the heat, and make him even more uncomfortable. Could he have handled it better… sure, but he was in an unexpected situation, faced by 2 people bent on making him feel bad, I don’t think that makes him a jerk.

56

“The way I look at this, the two women were on a date and this scum of a guy crashed it.”

“The first odd thing that happened was that I got a call on the way asking me why I was comming, I reminded her that she invited me. I offered to turn arround and go home if they wanted a girl talk. I recived “well since you are on your way go ahead and get here” kind of thing.”

If he is her boyfriend…her established boyfriend…and they went on a date without telling him, his girlfriend is already in the wrong, as she lied by omission in not telling him. Unless you think a healthy relationship involves having OTHER relationships WITHOUT your other partner’s knowledge.

Also, if he offered to turn around and go home (while en route, it looks like) and she told him to come anyhow, she lost the right to bitch about him being there. If she didn’t want him there, she should have told him.

“…I suspect they said they were just kidding because they were afraid that he’s either beat one (or both) of them up or even rape one (or both) of them.”

This is one FUCK of a stretch, unreasonable, reactionary, and rude as hell. I’ve been known to grab my kids’ wrists; that doesn’t mean I plan to BEAT THEM UP AND LOCK THEM IN THE CLOSET.

“When I introduced my husband to be to my longtime girlfriend, he treated her with kindness and respect.”

That is YOUR relationship, and you have to admit that even though it may not be Fair, most relationships are not like this. The fact that you and your husband and your girlfriend are open and honest with each other does not mean everyone else has achieved your kind of enlightenment.

That having been said…

The OP has changed his narrative several times, which (to me) soeaks of a certain lack of commitment to the truth. I think no one in this thread will probably ever know exactly what happened, including (to all appearances) the OP.

I think he should dump his girlfriend because he has very little ability to communicate with her and he obviously has some giant problems with trust, which he needs to work out before he can be in a healthy relationship with ANYONE.

IF his girlfriend WAS on a date, without telling him she was going on one, she needs to dump HIM and find someone she doesn’t feel the need to lie to.

There are no guilt-free parties in this one no matter HOW you slice it.

Oh, and her friend? The touchy-feely one? Needs to get over her selfish ass. If someone’s supposed SO of either goddamned gender is uncomfortable with a certain level of public activity, it needs to be discussed. Saying “I’m gonna touch her however I want and you have to get over it” is unproductive and immature.

57

The OP may think his girlfriend is straight. Doesn’t mean she is. And given the way he acts, I don’t think I’d want to let him know otherwise, and I think his girlfriend may well just discovered that trying to tell him might not have been such a good idea. I don’t think it’s required that you tell your boyfriend (“established or not”) everything about your life history immediately upon going on a couple of dates. And for all we know this guy has only been on one date with her; after all, some guys will declare a girl “theirs” after one date, or even none at all.

I am quite certain that the OP’s rendition of what happened is not wholly truthful, that there’s a lot here that he’s not telling us, and that what he is telling us is colored by his (warped) perceptions. It is not the least bit unreasonable to conclude that his girlfriend is bi, she was going to introduce him to her girlfriend, but his own insane jealousness caused him to go nuts and scare her into (a) not telling him the truth and (b) dumping him. This is certainly not the only possible explanation, but it’s at least as plausible as some of the other reconstructions suggested by other posters.

Regardless, NPavelka is the scum of the earth for assaulting a woman for behaving affectionately toward another woman who was not obviously rejecting that affection. Scum like this HAVE been known to beat up or rape lesbians for “interfering” with their right of access to the woman they’ve decided belong to them. I feel no sympathy toward him and hope his former girlfriend recognizes his inherent scumfulness and dumps him back into the excrement-filled pit out of which he crawled forth.

58

And bisexual women have been known to be serial killers. Perhaps NPavelka sensed he was in danger and was merely defending himself, but left that out. Of course, it might be awfully stupid of me to make up facts and jump to unwarranted conclusions about an individual based on statistics.

59

because of course, women are always right.

60

I think everyone involved in the OP’s story should dump each other, at least for a few years.

And while rants do work best if you have a clear focus on what exactly the story you’re ranting about is–that whole consistency bugaboo–I do have to give props for providing such a fine screen for lots of others to project onto. It’s possible that going for the consistency thing would have made an inferior screen for the projection booth; a ranter always has to balance these things.