Girlfriend visiting ex-boyfriend. Am I wrong for being irritated?

In My Humble Opinion
81

Agreed, agreed, agreed. I’m all for the whole “It’s okay to feel jealous, but don’t jump to any conclusions, and when she gets back, have a talk about how you feel with her, and you’ll have a better idea of what happened and if you should worry in the future” kind of deal.

Worry about the future.

If she *did * cheat, there was no amount of talking, begging, pleading, jealousy, or commanding that would have stopped her. Her whole attitude about this reeks of guilt.

Isn’t there a thread in MPSIMS right now, called “She cheated on me”, in which the OP mentions her girlfriend confesses sleeping with a guy, and doing so mande her realise she was really in love with the OP? I know, I know, everyone’s situation is different, but seriously… why would someone say that? A simple dinner and movie, and suddenly she realises she wants to be with you? This is confirmed now? It wasn’t before? She’s comparing you? WHY?

Even if she’s just being incredibly dense about your feelings, damn, man. I think you’ve got some serious soul searching to do.

I apologise if my post sounds harsh. I am so sorry for the situation you’re in, no matter what you decide to do, being treated this way feels awful, and I feel for you. I hope no matter what happens, it’s what’s best for you - with or without her.

82

Why is this a Big Red Flag?

What if in the fantasy spot in her mind that she fades off to when Our Fair Hero is being a general Putz ( Or Life Sucks At That Moment) and she retreats to the Daydream Du Jour of " What if Bob and I hadn’t broken up?" and skipping down the rose petal covered path of The Perfect World I would have Had.
Semi Related, but not in the sex boyfriend/girlfriend way.

We have a husband/wife couple that everyone hates the wife. Just.Hates.Her. She is a DragonNightMare. ( We actually haven’t seen her in years.) He is an old friend from my husbands high school days that he sometimes helps out in the Money Pit of a house they have. (The husband is p-whipped and pretty much hates his wife to. The kids…well, lets just say that one is Theodor Kaczynki The Next Generation, and leave it at that.

Every time he helps them out, my husband calls me up on his cell, from his car and says, " I really love you. I love you…" Almost like a drunken sailor.

Because this Dragonwife person has just done some bizarre and unpredictable and has set off Defcon 5 in her own house. And he is so thankful he has me and my quirks to deal with and not hers.

Seeing the old boyfriend can make her realize just how far she has come herself in personal developement and just how much better Our Fair Hero is.

83

Disagree with me about the situation if you like, but don’t be dishonest in the process.

She did not “[fly] across the country to see an ex-boyfriend.”

According to the OP, which is still there for you to read if you’re interested, she “is on a short vacation in Oregon” and “will be visiting an ex-boyfriend…while she is there.”

Quite a different scenario from your rather tortured interpretation.

84

A lot of this depends on how long you have been dating, and how serious it is. And I think it also makes a bit of difference how old she is.

I would give her the chance to explain to you why she felt a need to see this guy. Without knowing, a logical assumption would be she wanted to see if there was still something still there with the old boyfriend. But it could be something else, so you need to find out what that is.

I don’t think it is the same thing in your case, but in my past I had a similar situation.

I had broken up with a guy I had been dating off and on for two years when I met my now husband. After my husband and I had been together for about 3 months, the old boyfriend called and said he wanted to meet for a coke somewhere so he could return a few items of mine he had, and I could return a few things of his I had. I could have boxed the stuff up and mailed it, but I decided to meet him. I didn’t ask my husband if it was ok, and I even considered not telling him at all. But that didn’t seem right. So I just told him I was going. I didn’t expect him to be bothered by it, but he was. He just couldn’t understand why I would want to see this guy. They guy treated me terribly and I was glad to be away from him.

At first I didn’t admit the real reason I wanted to see the guy. I felt it was a bad reason and was embarrassed to admit it. But when I could see it was making my husband uncomfortable, I fessed up. Once he knew, he was fine with it.

And what was the reason? Again, I hate to admit it, but it was very simple. The guy was constantly nagging me about my weight. I was about 40 lbs overweight. He told me he could never consider marrying me until I lost the weight. The constant criticism about my appearance was very hurtful to me. For two years all his insults did was make me depressed. I tried to lose weight, but eating was how I dealt with depression, so I didn’t have any success.

After I finally broke up with him, and met my husband, and fell in love, the weight came off. Being in love gave me the energy to work out, and I was really happy for the first time in my life, so I didn’t need to overeat to deal with depression. So between the weight loss and that glow you get from being in love, I knew I looked great for the first time in my life. And it was rather shallow of me, but I wanted the guy to see how good I looked, and how happy I was without him.

He was very cruel to me when we were together. He would often tell me that I better make all the changes he wanted me to make because no one else would ever want me. If I was lucky I would be with him, if not him, I would be alone. He played on my low self esteem and made it much worse. I couldn’t see all that when I was with him. But after being away from him I really blossomed.

I agreed with that old saying, living well is the best revenge. I was now living well and had my revenge. But part of me needed him to see also. The fact that I wanted to show him I was so much better off without him didn’t mean he meant anything to me. He really didn’t. I had nothing but bad feelings about him, and nothing but wonderful feelings for my husband.

So when I explained all that to my husband, he then understood why I agreed to meet him. He could never have known all that if I didn’t tell him.

So maybe there is an explanation, she just didn’t feel a need to go into on the phone. I would first let her know you need to know why she felt a need to see him, when she knew it would bother you. From there I think you will have a much better idea where your relationship is headed.

85

I think it’s a more likely scenario that she doesn’t want to talk to you. After you have an argument with your SO, you don’t just “not get around to talking to them” especially in this age with all the phones and text messaging. The best you can hope for in this situation is she’s complaining to her friend about what a jerk you are. The worst is that she’s complaining to her ex about what a jerk you are.

I am also highly suspicious of her outrage at your unhappiness for her going out on a date.

My guess is that msmith537 believes the real reason for the trip is to see the ex and the “visiting family and friends” is an excuse. Thus his statement.
I really feel for you also. This is an unpleasant position to be in.

86

It’s cut and dry.

The key piece of information (aside from the fact that she contacted Ray) is that she yelled at Mr. Krebbs when he was upset after finding out they went on a date, instead of just doing lunch.

That is text book bluster. She is trying to focus attention on Mr. Krebbs’ issues in order to exclude focus on her own role in the conflict.

Mr. Krebbs is quite astute to note that she is not paying attention to his emotions at all.

At the very least, she is flirting heavily with Ray. I can’t speak to her motivation for doing that. The bluster is very dangerous though; it opens up all sorts of possibilities for artificially driving herself closer to Ray and farther from Mr. Krebbs. Oregon is a long ways away.

In the final analysis, she isn’t ready for a serious relationship with Mr. Krebbs, and I doubt she will grow in that direction.

My advice to Mr. Krebbs is to not regard his relationship with her as having any long-term potential. Whether he stays with her (which will entail more emotional abuse) for fun, is up to him.

87

:: raises hand ::

Wrongo - I’m a woman, and I have no problem with the idea of my [hypothetical at the moment] S.O. visiting an ex, as long as he is upfront with me about it. (Of course, it depends on the specifics of the situation - I am getting red flags on this one in particular, though, re: unfinished business, and re: the level of discomfort these two have in talking openly about the situation, and about their respective comfort levels with the situation and with each other.) And I feel this way even after having been cheated on - yes, he cheated on me, but it wasn’t with an ex. Usually exes are exes for a reason - he’d had plenty of time to hook back up with his exes if he’d wanted to, and never had. For that matter, I’ve hung out with exes on all sorts of occasions, including one who was in town briefly for a conference and very easily could have gotten away with not bothering to mention that he’d gotten married in the interim since I’d last seen him.

I have absolutely no patience for deception, however. If a guy lied to me about seeing his ex, he would have some serious trust repairing to do.

By the same token, any guy who tries to tell me who I can or can’t hang out with is not going to last very long. I have a lot of platonic male friends, and some of them are exes. One ex is still someone I turn to for advice on anything under the sun - I’m glad his wife doesn’t feel the way you do about platonic relationships with exes, because I drove 2500 miles round-trip in three days to be able to attend their wedding, and several years later, consider her a friend as well.

Ummmm, I’m going to take a wild guess that the basis of their relationship included elements other than sex, and even though it didn’t work out, they still enjoy each other’s company and would like to maintain the other facets of the relationship?

88

Well, whatever is going on, it’s clear you guys have some compatability issues.

I certainly wouldn’t stick around with a guy who couldn’t stand to hear my ex’s names and tried to lay guilt trips on me while I was on vacation. I was with a guy like that once. I remember many a day on vacation when I’d have to slip out of dinner or whatever, give him a call, endure a grilling about my activities and who I was with and spend fortunes on phone cards and feel guilty the whole damn time. Spent some of the best years of my life trying to make him happy, only to realize he could only be happy when he was making me miserable with a constant stream of emotional drama.

Maybe your not like this, but I’d certainly percieve it like that. Some people just don’t get along in some ways.

89

We’ll see :wink: … There are a lot of differences between women, like between men. They don’t react in the same way to same things. Female posters in this very thread mentionned they were seeing their exes too…

Why do you visit your friends and relatives? Because I like them, that’s why. It’s not like we’ve been together for no reason. I don’t see why we should stop seeing each other because we aren’t anymore.

The ex I visited last weekend, for instance was a close friend before we became bf/gf. She stayed a close friend after we splited. Why should have it been different? Should I have suddenly discovered that actually she was not someone interesting just because our relationship as lovers didn’t work out? Ho! And she was also my “first love”. And even back then we often hanged out with her ex-boyfriend. I’ve known a number of her boyfriends since, and as far as I can tell, only one (the first after me, actually) had a problem with me, and even then only a mild one, no big drama. So, having issues with your bf/gf seeing his/her exes isn’t as universal as you seem to think.
Of course, there are exes I don’t see anymore, but that has been their choice, not mine. I’ve never been until now in a situation where I hated my ex, which would be the only cause I can think of for not wanting to see her ever again.

Why so? Why would it apply only to exes? Couldn’t you similarily say : “she’s not that into you if she still sees her friend/father/whoever”?

90

Good guess. Besides (concerning the ex I make trips to visit), she conveniently provides free food and board when I want to breathe some fresh air in Britanny, and the other way around when she wants to come to Paris for some reason :wink: .

Like in the case of your ex I also have her on the phone quite often since as you put it she “turns to me for advice on anything under the sun” (not that she actually listens to said advice, except for trivial issues, though).

91

Wow, this thread really blew me away. I am friends with several of my exes, including my “first love.” One of them I hang out with fairly often and I am friends with his girlfriend. I lived with a guy, we broke up, then got a 2 bedroom apartment so we could still live together. Why? Because I really, truly loved them. I just didn’t want to be romantically involved with them anymore and the feeling was mutual. These men are the safest straight men on the planet for me to hang out with, because I am already 100% sure I definitely do NOT want to sleep with them no matter what. Been there, done that, don’t want to go back.

I have dated men who had a problem with these friendships. That was just too bad for them. The above guys are important to me and I’m not giving up their friendship or changing the way I am so that they will not feel threatened. I am not the one with the problem, they are. For the record, I have never cheated on anyone in my life.

Mr. Krebbs, did it ever occur to you that your GF anticipated your irrational, jealous reaction. and that’s why she got pissed at you and hung up? That she said, “I’m visiting Ray, don’t be upset” because she knew you would be and she’d have to deal with a slew of nonsense from you about it? You admit you have issues in this area; is it so surprising to conclude that you’ve taken these issues out on her in the past? Sounds like you have, and that’s why your GF is reacting the way she did to your “pause.”

We only have your word for it that you’ve never been crappy to her because of your jealousy. Maybe you’ve been down this road before and she’s a bit sick of your insecurity and implied accusations (if you didn’t suspect her of doing something wrong, why would you have a problem? It IS an implied accusation). If I were you, I’d think long and hard about this relationship, because it sounds like you don’t trust her, and I for one am not ready to blame it all on her.

92

Funny, my ex makes the same complaint about me. :wink: I wish I could see him more, but I don’t often have a good enough excuse to go all the way to Wyoming. Last time I checked airfares, it was actually a good deal cheaper to fly to Paris from here than to fly to Wyoming.

93

Yeah…she’s pretty much fucking this guy. She’s fighting with you because she’s going throught “boo hoo hoo I’m soo confused” thing where they hate themselves for what they did because you’re so nice but hate you more for being right.

Sounds like you’re having emotional affairs.

94

Well, I guess I’ll wrap all this up on my end. My girlfriend and I talked twice today. The first time it was not a good discussion (she was pissed and not just at me, and yes, I guilted her into picking up the phone).

She got into a car accident today. To correct all the impressions about her flying to Oregon, she actually drove. So I listened to her vent about her car, which is still drivable but evidently fucked up. Obviously, I very much doubt that this is fabricated, as I will be seeing the car come Thursday.

The second time we spoke after I got off work. I told her most of what I have said in this thread, obviously a version edited for length. I told her after some personal examination why I was having such a big problem with everything that had happened. She was surprised at the level of concern I had because I misrepresented myself the first time. I am not proud that I have insecurities, and I have always disguised or suppressed the fact; this is the first time I’ve really ever brought it up.

When we first spoke about my having a problem with her visit to Ray I said something along the lines of, “I’ll be hurt if you go and do this.” Her response at the time was something like “He means nothing to me; we promised that we’d stay friends after our break-up; it’s not like we talk regularly and I’m in town…” Basically, she said she saw the visit as a gesture of goodwill. I didn’t explain my position further, I just proceeded to get audibly irritated and we argued. To cease the altercation I said it was fine, and she should do whatever.

My girlfriend said that at that point she realized that I was just giving in due to exhaustion, but she didn’t understand that I had issues more deeply rooted than just a small jealousy problem. She said that figured I’d get over it without much difficulty. Her explanation for getting upset on the phone was basically what Rubystreak theorized it would be. She was just frustrated with having to deal with what she thought was a totally irritational complaint again.

So she listened to me, she apologized, then I listened to her and apologized. I still have misgivings about a few things that happened: the movie thing in particular still bothers me. But overall, I’m satisfied and I think we have a better understanding of eachother. I’m not going to throw out what we have because of what is, essentially, the first bump in the road.

I do appreciate the help in dealing with this, and I’m not trying to be dismissive of any of the advice I’ve received; it will be filed appropriately. If I have another problem, you will all probably hear about it.

95

I, for one, am happy to be wrong. I hope you two can continue to work through any problems you may have in the future. :slight_smile:

I was so worried this update was going to be a heartbreaking one. I’m so glad it’s not.

96

Best of luck. I hope it all works out.

97

“She got into a car accident today. To correct all the impressions about her flying to Oregon, she actually
drove. So I listened to her vent about her car, which is still drivable but evidently fucked up. Obviously, I
very much doubt that this is fabricated, as I will be seeing the car come Thursday.”

Man, you just don’t get it. I don’t know how old you are, but you sound about 13, a very
immature 13. How generous of you to “listen to her vent about her car”, WOW, if that’s
not loving and caring I don’t know what is!
Then you’re even more caring and loving in believing that she “obviously” wouldn’t
fabricate an auto accident, just to get your precious sympathy.
I fervently hope you let your GF read this. I want her to know that she needs to dump
you now, before your immature, self centered, behavior turns psychotic and she finds
herself in danger of physical harm.
Grow the hell up and get a damn life.

98

Sounds like a good plan. While people on message boards can occasionally be good for giving other perspectives [in between arguing with each other] we are not in your relationship, do not know your relationship.

It sounds like you guys hae a few issues to work on but that’s far from a death knell. The important thing is that you’re working at figuring out how to, well, work out issues.

In the long run you’re much better off having a few bumps in the road and figuring out how to deal with them vs sliding along smoothly for awhile and combusting the first time things are picture perfect.

99

Did she acknowlege that you have a legitimate reason for being upset? Just to clarify, you are not feeling “jealousy”. Jealously is what you feel when you see an ex girlfriend with her new dude. What you are feeling is anxiety over the sense that you are being played for a sucker.

The solution to this problem as to all problems involving the opposite sex is to play it cool. You don’t sweat her going to see some dork she used to date. She should be worried you’re going to be banging some hot chick you meet five minutes after she’s out of sight of the house.

Personally, I feel that if if you are in a relationship and still visiting exes than the person you’re with isn’t “the one”. They are someone you are dating who you probably like and it’s convienient but you don’t see them as the person you plan on marrying or getting super-serious with.

100

That is two posts of yours now that have come across as very condescending, judgemental, and rude. Perhaps you are Mr. or Ms. perfect relationship or you have been in a relationship for so long that you don’t remember what the first few years are like. The beginning of a relationship is an exciting and scary time. You are becomming emotionally invested in someone, but you still don’t really know them all that well and can’t yet figure out their reasons or motivations. It is perfectly natural to have doubts and insecurities at this point. A considerate partner should understand this and respect it. That does not mean dropping friends, but helping your partner to be reassured your intentions are honorable.

There are some people (I suspect more men than women) who don’t put as much stock in friendships. I really don’t see the point in trying to start a friendship (start, because it doesn’t sound like they were friends before the relationship) with a person living in another state that you haven’t seen in 4 years and probably won’t see for another good length of time. Especially when they are an ex. Every amicable breakup ends with “Let’s still be friends”, it doesn’t mean anything.

Good luck Mr. Krebbs.