[QUOTE=Missy2U]
Inigo, just wanted to say I’m sorry. You’ll be in my thoughts.
[/QUOTE]
Yep, that’s nice. And take aggressive legal action. NOW. Trust me (and no offence to Missy2U’s kind post either).
Don’t tip your hand about financial matters until you speak with an attorney. Money brings out the ugly in people.
One friend got locked up in the drunk tank after a fight with his wife. I told him he could stay at my place afterward until the two of them could decide what to do.
One time when I came home from work, I heard what sounded like a really loud bee buzzing when I got out of the truck. I went inside and heard them having an argument over his cell phone. Her voice had carried all the way outside in a high-pitched wailing.
The argument? Over who would get the bookcases.
My divorce was done without lawyers and if you’re both very careful, and perhaps don’t have enough assets to make the hard way profitable, it can be done this way. It only cost me filing fees and court costs.
I’d also recommend trying to trade your 401K possession for the equity in the house. Any agreement you come to on your own about joint finances is binding if you put it in the paper agreement. Note, though, you cannot change the legal agreement between you and a creditor, if you’re both on the mortgage, you can sign away your rights to the house with a quit claim deed but not your responsibility to the mortgage.
As to the children, yes - try your best to not fight in front of them. It’s been my goal and one I’ve failed at. Sharing children between households is not easy.
I’m sure you’ve read my threads on my divorce. There’s been a lot of pains for me concerning the children - it’s hard to keep them isolated and not crossing into the kids’ view of the world as it is.
Best of luck.
[QUOTE=Belrix]
My divorce was done without lawyers and if you’re both very careful, and perhaps don’t have enough assets to make the hard way profitable, it can be done this way. It only cost me filing fees and court costs.
I’d also recommend trying to trade your 401K possession for the equity in the house. Any agreement you come to on your own about joint finances is binding if you put it in the paper agreement. Note, though, you cannot change the legal agreement between you and a creditor, if you’re both on the mortgage, you can sign away your rights to the house with a quit claim deed but not your responsibility to the mortgage.
As to the children, yes - try your best to not fight in front of them. It’s been my goal and one I’ve failed at. Sharing children between households is not easy.
I’m sure you’ve read my threads on my divorce. There’s been a lot of pains for me concerning the children - it’s hard to keep them isolated and not crossing into the kids’ view of the world as it is.
Best of luck.
[/QUOTE]
I remember your success story regarding getting the children 1/2 the time. I posted in another thread today how much I hate the term “visitation” when it comes to parents and children. How can it be good for a good parent to not have full access to his/her children within reason? You are right, it isn’t easy not to fight in front of them. However, it is very important. We are all human and sometimes lose our tempers but it is important for the kids to know that you are just angry and you love their mother and always will for helping create them, the biggest joy of your life. Kids get it. They get more than we give them credit for.
[QUOTE=Inigo Montoya]
Thanks for the input so far (and for keeping the “noise” in my other wonky threads). My kids and my sense of duty are a couple of the precious few things I take very seriously. My marriage used to be one of them, but I’ve lost so much respect for my wife over the last 3 years that I can’t even keep myself from flaming her here from time to time. And that’s just not the high road.
I do plan on getting a lawyer, but only for specific advice and to make sure all the docs are completed correctly (I am an insurance guy after all). Equity in the house is approaching 100k, my 401k is close to $20k. I pretty much have her by the titties if she wants to get into dividing assets I think. And as I’ve said, we have nothing else of any real value (but no debts apart from the mortgage!).
My guts tell me if we had divorced a few years ago when things were really bad, then it would have gotten ugly. Now we’re both just tired and not into each other. My family health history and my current blood profile (Inigo blood = wax) pretty much assures me that my retirement fund is a non-issue, and with those same cards comes a desire for some peace and control over my life. In my mind, peace and control can be had as long as I have a roof over my head and some dirt to till. Anything else is extra and I mean it when I say she’s welcome to it. Needing so little I don’t see any way I can get raped in a settlement no matter how evil she gets.
We’re still good friends. But how many of your good friends would you want to live with? Oh, and I plan on moving no more than a mile or two. I’m not leaving them, I see it more as the family making a local move and their mom just isn’t coming with.
[/QUOTE]
You may want to keep in mind that the housing market sucks right now and you may not have near the equity you think you have. Once she gets her downpayment back, taking the entire 401k might be the way to go.
[QUOTE=Foxy40]
You may want to keep in mind that the housing market sucks right now and you may not have near the equity you think you have. Once she gets her downpayment back, taking the entire 401k might be the way to go.
[/QUOTE]
I am a lawyer; I do not practice family law. I do not intend this as a slight on Foxy40, but I think is an example of the reason why legal advice would be a very good idea to provide guidance on where you stand on property division and with respect to custody. For example, implicit in Foxy40’s post is the assumption that the one spouse is entitled to “her downpayment back”. That may or may not be so, depending on your property division laws where you live.