Kristen, right now, I don’t like you. I don’t CARE how you feel about me. I’m mad as hell at you.
The way you broke up with me was brutal. I don’t want to get into it again, but I took care of you so much. I was a DAMN good boyfriend, whether you want to admit it or not. I took care of you, I got in fights to defend your honor, I slept on the floor so you could have the couch, I put up with your slutty friend trying to get you to be slutty…
And then, when YOU were the one that talked about marriage for the entire nine months of the relationship, then, when I make a softhearted reference to having blue-eyed kids… I’M THE ONE WHO’S TAKING US TOO SERIOUSLY?!
And you mystically meet someone brand new ten days after we break up, and fall in love?!
Just give me my god damn class ring and PES pin back. Christ. That’s all I asked for. I wanted you to keep everything else, because that’s what you DO. When you give someone a GIFT, you let them KEEP it. You don’t ask for it back with the VERY thinly veiled aspirations of regifting it to your new SO.
I gave you all the fucking things you GAVE me back. Pretty promptly, too, considering that you changed your mind and wanted everything back on VERY short notice… and frankly, you’re lucky I didn’t ejaculate on the teddy bears and stick them together, considering what a fucking bitch you were about it. It’s my fault we’re not friends. Whatever. Email me more than once every two weeks and say something besides “I’m so happy with him.” I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND. I DON’T LIKE HIM. ACCEPT IT.
It’s been three months. You’ve lied to me so many times about sending it back. Fuck. Just give me my god damn high school ring and my Phi Eta Sigma pin back. I want so badly to think of you as someone other than my bitchy ex who’s keeping my stuff after I gave her every trace of our relationship back. God, I’m surprised you didn’t ask for the letters you wrote me back too.
Christ, woman. And hurry it up, or don’t tell me it’s my fault.