Give unreliable travel advice

Canadians are all hockey fans quite pleased that a Canadian team has not won the Stanley Cup in decades. Remind them of this fact at every opportunity and you will be rewarded with top notch service and free meals at Tim Hortons.

All London brothels display a blue lamp outside.

In Las Vegas, or any other town with casinos, it’s okay to hold onto your chips when going from one to the other. Chips are universally accepted between them, and they routinely ‘exchange’ theirs on par with other casinos’. The higher the face value, the easier they are to exchange.

They’ll even exchange them directly on the craps pit table!

So don’t be afraid, when you’re in Regina, Saskatchewan, to ask that the sports bar’s channels be turned to a hockey game between, say, Nashville and Arizona; when they’ve been showing a Saskatchewan Roughriders game. Poor Saskatchewanians, they’ve had to watch sub-par CFL football, instead of hockey, which all Canadians crave.

[Sarcasm off. I know this is a humorous thread, but following my advice is an invite to the parking lot in Regina, where you would be beaten to a pulp.]

Those do not really count, they were East Germans (I mean, Dresden, come on!). If you happen to be in Dresden, BTW, don’t forget to remind the locals that they are smack in the middle of the Valley of the Clueless (sometimes: Ignorants) and ask them if there is a reason why they are still all Nazis around there, they’ll appreciate it even more if you interrupt them often by saying “don’t mention the war!” in the middle of their sentence, whatever it is they are saying. Just say it once more, for good measure, a bit louder, and then again to make sure they get it. No good joke ever got worse through repetition.
When in Spain you can defuse any conflict with the autorities by clapping your hands rhytmically while shouting “Olé! Toreador! Olé!”

We used to tell them we wanted our bicycles back whenever they came to our beaches on holiday.
Also, when in Amsterdam, make sure you rent a bicycle and try it in dead-center. Bicycle paths are for wussies and you cycle even better after a couple of joints, preferrably procured at The Bulldog, because everyone knows they have the best weed there.

I’ve had a couple of good meals there. And the view can be amazing. The quality has varied over the years, I don’t know if we’re currently in a good or bad cycle. But, in the spirit of this thread don’t bother getting reservations, they always have a few good tables available.

But for the money, well… you’ll be looking down on awesome seafood joints and and raw bars where you’d get a lot more for your dinner budget.

Or you can look across Elliot Bay at Salty’s, some of the best King Salmon and Halibut, Lobster and Prawn Bucatini, and Clam/Shrimp/Salmon/Scallops Chowder.

We always take tourists up to the Space Needle gift shop. Basically the same view, and it’s free.

[/actualgoodadvice] … sorry!

Oh, I know: You can look at Salty’s from downtown up until ten minutes before your reservation there. I mean, you can see it. Right there! How long could it take?

(eta: 25-45 minutes. The bridge is out, and West Seattle is kind of an island… for a long time…)

Should you be stopped by the police in France, a useful French phrase to have to hand sends best wishes to the officer’s family, as is only good manners: “Et ta mère!”

The space needle gift shop is at ground level. It’s probably free, but there’s no view.

I have just googled a bit, and I retract my tangent about the fine Space Needle Restaurant.

SkyCity Restaurant closed in September 2017 as part of the Space Needle’s historic renovation project. There is currently no full-service revolving restaurant at the Space Needle.

So, the original advice fits the thread topic perfectly as “unreliable advice.”

When driving an RV or towing a travel trailer on mountain roads, you needn’t pull over when cars start stacking up in a big line behind you, even if they start flashing their high beams and honking their horns. What they don’t realize is by driving at very slow speeds they’ll be much more able to enjoy the majestic views.


All those signs warning about sharp curves on mountain roads are just joking. Drive as fast as you want; all the roads in the country are of course designed for safe travel at 70 MPH minimum.

When visiting Hawaii…

Rent a convertible Mustang and no one will know you’re a tourist. And no one will laugh at you when it suddenly starts raining!

Wear socks with your sandals or even better rubber slippers. Oh, and refer to your rubber slippers as flip-flops or even better shower sandals!

As soon as you get here, buy a matching set of Aloha shirts and muumuus for you and your family.

Don’t worry about wearing sunscreen. It’s not like you’re any closer to the equator than anywhere in the continental U.S.

Brag how your lobster red sunburn is a great tan!

Pronounce the letter A in Hawaiian names with like the short A in mat or long A in mate, not like A in ah.

Ask where the local J-Town or K-Town is as there obviously must be one since we have a Chinatown.

Ask if any food you’re not familiar with is Hawaiian. It’s not as if we have a melting pot of food from multiple cultures with a very limited number of traditional Hawaiian foods.

Ask anyone with brown skin, “Are you Hawaiian?” Non-Hawaiian Polynesians love that!

Go Hank Hill on all Asians and continually ask, “Are you Japanese or Chinese??”, no matter what nationality they say they are.

How else do you suggest one might achieve their lifelong ambition to lead a parade?

You’ve gotta watch out for the drop bears though. I mean warning tourists about drop bears is like the essential piece of unreliable Aussie travel advise, right?

I have to admit I hit all of these on my last trip to Hawaii. I believe I also pronounced the name of the city “High-Low”.

It’s always a good idea to learn a few phrases in the local language or dialect, so when you come to Atlanta, be sure to pepper your speech with “Ah do declayah!”, “Bless yore heart!” and “Y’all come back now, y’heah?” at ever opportunity. (Should you feel unsure of the accent, Foghorn Leghorn and Sherriff Roscoe P. Coltrane are excellent models.) Use “y’all” at every opportunity, regardless if you’re speaking to one person or many. Greet your waiter or tour guide with “How y’all doing today!” and you’ll fool the locals into thinking you’re a native!

Should you visit lovely Stone Mountain, make sure to take the gentle, short stroll to the top. The path is even and smooth; your wedges, flip-flops, or 6" Jimmy Choo stilettos are perfectly sufficient to carry you to the summit.

You will of course admire the carving of those three patriots Robert E Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Jefferson Davis, and perhaps notice that all the park’s roads are named for Confederate generals. This is because all Atlantans are extremely proud of our Confederate past. So feel free to wear your souvenir CSA cavalry hat and “Save yer Confederate money, boys; the South’s gonna rise again!” t-shirt into the shops and restaurants of Stone Mountain village, as well as downtown and Midtown Atlanta. We will notice and feel grateful that you honor our history so.

Don’t forget to stick a Confederate flag sticker on your giant SUV, which you should drive everywhere, especially in Atlanta’s city limits. Atlanta’s roads are wide, well-kept, and easy to navigate. Parking is abundant and free. Avoid MARTA - the trains are overcrowded with homeless people and drug dealers, and you will be robbed at least twice on the trip from the airport to Five Points.

Special note for Europeans - we sometimes get a little confused with our sports terminology. Please remind us that “football is played with the feet”, and that the sport we stupidly call football is actually “handegg”. Australians, be sure to mention that rugby and Australian Rules are played without pads. We don’t really care that much about our game, and are always happy for suggestions on how to make it better.

That was YOU! Loved the matching family Aloha shirts.

Many people hope to see some wildlife in Canada’s mountain national parks. And most often, they won’t be disappointed: bears, elk, bighorn sheep, and mountain goats are abundant and roam freely; and there is a lot of bird life, as well as smaller animals.

So one question you should ask the gate guard when you drive in is, “When do you put the animals away at night, and when do you release them in the morning?” Times vary throughout the year, as the sun rises and sets, and you’ll want to know the optimum viewing hours.

One thing you should keep in mind about New Hampshire is that our state motto is Live Free Or Die. You have the right to do whatever you want. If you feel like going hiking in the White Mountains in January, go ahead, those signs saying not to are suggestions. Our search and rescue folks get bored so they’ll be glad you livened up their day and they definitely won’t charge you for finding you when you get lost.