The time to talk to her is right now. It will be a difficult conversation, probably the first of many. But I think she deserves more than simply a unilateral “breakup.”
Tell her how you feel and why. Ask her what she thinks the status of your relationship is - what she’s getting out of it; what she thinks you’re getting out of it; what her imagined future looks like.
If you truly believe the two of you are broken beyond repair, say so - but also listen to her responses and let her help decide what comes next. It sounds as if your lives are pretty well tied together at this point; better to have her working with you than against you to undo the knots.
Question: If you do this today, will it be totally out of the blue for her? Or do you think maybe the bloom is off the rose for her as well? Maybe she’ll be relieved.
I’m wondering about the part in bold. Did she IYO genuinely try to help you but for whatever reason was not helpful? Or did she use your needing help as an excuse not to work? Or something else?
I’m a little surprised that no one has mentioned your injury and recovery. That really seems like the most important factor, other than just being a decent human being. Surely languishing in this dead zone is not helping you (or her).
Whenever you do it, do it completely. Don’t make any arrangements beyond what it takes for her to get on her way. If she drives off in the car, it’s gone. The only way to get it back is through long-distance legal action, which is just the kind of crap you’re trying to be done with.
DO NOT loan her the car unless youre ok to just lose it.
There would be absolutely no recourse if she takes it and never pays a dime…even if there were you’ll never be able to enforce it across states for less than it’s value. Even reporting it stolen is not an option, she’s just driving it as long as she wants or at least until plates expire and it gets impounded and you have the expense of recovery 2k miles away
That said , offering moving expenses is probably a good way to get her to leave because after 5 years living there, it’s almost certainly just as much her residence as yours in a legal sense.
I’d say if you’re gonna do it , now is good. I’d hate to waste a perfectly good vday with a soon to be x when I could be at any number of singles events.
Offer to rent the truck right away. She could be back with family on the day and have a good day.
It will likely garnish her a bit more sympathy and support too.
My source is my wife (a lawyer) and a friend of hers (also a lawyer) who cohabited with her boyfriend for nearly 20 years, but were not married, common-law or otherwise. The explanation I was given is basically what is listed above- the parties involved have to represent themselves as married for it to be valid, and there would probably have to be something other than hearsay evidence for that to hold up.
This is in Texas, so it may differ in other states.
I answered Something Else. Something Else means you should break up with them RIGHT NOW, unless their pet or grandparent died that week, a parent or sibling died that month, or they were diagnosed with cancer in the last two months.
Valentine’s day is bullshit, and her job his Her Problem.
Thanks for all the opinions, everyone, I have been reading them, even if not posting replies.
It seems the dominant answer is “screw V-day, right now is the right time,” save a few holdouts in the “it’s only another few days/weeks, what does it matter?” camp, which is where my head was at. I appreciate the candor and responses.
A lot of folk chimed in on not letting her drive off in the car, which was kind of surprising to me, but I guess I see the logic.
On “helping,” yes, it was less “help” and more “complain constantly about having to go to the store / bring you stuff in the hospital” when she was literally doing nothing else and I was paying for all her expenses for months.
This won’t be out of the blue for her, but it will be messy and difficult.
Thanks again for all the advice, everyone. Here’s to a good recovery and a better life for us both!
My vote is to tell her right away. The fact that you show very little emotion towards breaking up after 5 years shows that you are really not in love with her. So it helps no one to continue a charade.Getting her to leave may be the bigger issue because she is undoubtedly considered a legal tenant in your home. Doesn’t really matter if she pays if you lived together as a couple. You may actually have to go through the hoops of evicting her.
I also agree that you should not let her continue to drive your car. The last thing you want is an angry ex driving around in a car to which you are legally tied.
It’s not really any of our business, TI, so you may share or not as you please. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s curious about what happened and how you’re doing now.