According to researchers from the University of California at Berkeley and the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory, placing mechanical force on malignant mammary cells can actually reverse their irregular growth process and put them back on track for a normal growth pattern.
In the interest of national health, community giving, and saving lives, I will be opening a free breast squeezing clinic ASAP. In order to accommodate as many women as possible, this will be a mobile clinic stopping by shopping malls, grocery stores, and local Curves locations.
I am soliciting ideas for a catchy name for this Mobile Anti-Cancer clinic.
These are already under consideration:
Mobile Melon Masher
Cancer Crusher
Medical Motorboating
Free Fondles
Loving, Touching, Squeezing; A Journey to Cancer-Free Living
See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me
Surely the Dopers can improve on these, as well as offer business tips, marketing advice, and more. Together, we can all put the squeeze on cancer!
I hope the OP realises that most of his customers are likely to be womens in their 60’s not the nubile twentysomethings of his hopes?
You will be bascially fondling Granny’s breasts.:dubious:
Feels on Wheels is in a solid first place right now.
For reasons of safety, the FOW MSU - Mobile Squeezing Unit - is not ADA* compliant.
The FOW unit is only accessible by walking a 10 foot long balance beam, then climbing a 6 foot ladder into the facility. This should limit the patients to a certain fitness and ability level. This is commensurate with our motto.
While we’re assembling this team of selfless healers we shouldn’t overlook this recent study that concluded that exposure to semen helps fight depression in women.
Make sure the FOW mobiles are equipped with vinyl seat covers just in case any patients exhibit signs of depression during their treatment.
