God Damnit, I am am sorry if I repeat myself, but fuck you God

I can’t but help but think that at 31 going on to 32…that I will be forever alone.

It’s this fucked up thing I have had for ages and I don’t understand it…God, why the fuck am I subjected to this? I want companionship just as much as the next schmoo.

Somehow I never measure up, somehow I am a fucked up person, somehow you allow the fact that complete loosers I know live happy lives, but what the fuck did I do to not deserve it?

I have always been honest, I have always showed everyone I know who I am. I have given more than my fair share of money to friends in need. I have given more than my own fair share of an ear, yet I am no longer a part of their lives…fucking A all I can do is cry. I gave them all I had to offer and it’s not enough.

God damn you God you know I am scared to share my life, but can’t you for one fucking time give me someone that I don’t cry over?

I am not asking a lot God, all I am am asking is that I find someone that loves me for me, so far you are lacking in that territory and failing me miserably.

< tears streaming down face >

FUCK YOU GOD…you can kiss my fucking ass, I am 31 who the fuck is going to want me now? HUH? Asshole! I want someone that I can have.

< please don’t respond to this, I don’t want to defend it nor do I want to fucking deal with it, I just need to address my issues as they stand >

This is my bitch cuz I know I live a privied life, but it’s not worth a fucking shit unless you can share it with someone.

< tears going full force now, I have to go >

FUCK YOU GOD

Techie, you’re a real sweetheart with a very warm personality. From what I’ve seen, you look the part as well. There is no reason whatsoever that you could never find someone to love. 32? Hon, you’ve got all the time in the world.

And God? If he exists, I doubt he’s some sort of Supreme Dating Show Host. You’re in control of your own life, Techie. Make the best of it.

Alright, I don’t normally do this, but for you:
{{{{{{{{{{{TechChick}}}}}}}}}} :wink:

Thank you Coldfire…I appreciate your kind words…but you know what?

I am in a mode where little of what people say will make a difference.

I make bad choices, I do this out of self preservation, it’s fucking easier than dealing with the real things in life.

Fuck the fact my bro called me to have dinner with his family, I am too self absorbed to spend time with his children, children I love dearly.

Fuck the fact that I volunteered to have a web page up that features my newest nephew…I haven’t done shit on it.

Fuck the fact that I am doing such a shitty job for my brother’s company, I am actually surprised that I am still a contract employee. He must keep me on as a sympathy thing.

Coldfire hun, I am one fucked up woman, I sat there for 2 hours thinking “how the fuck could one man love me” and it’s true…I live like a fucking slob, I don’t work normal hours, I am one fucked up person. When I do fall in love it’s not appropriate. It’s always with a man I can’t have which says something about me.

All I can say now is I will not be working tomorrow, I need to work through some shit…guess my anti depressants aren’t working as well as I had hoped.

God I feel like a complete fool for bringing this shit up…all I want to do is scream, cry and beat my fists on something. My world is scary and I wish it weren’t so…that’s all I am saying.

Techie, do you realise how fortunate you are to be able to describe EXACTLY what you don’t like about your life? Cause that’s what you just did. All you have to do is change - and changing is much easier when you know what is wrong. Most of these problems seem rather superficial as well: remember, the state of your house or the hours your work do NOT determine what sort of person you are. It’s the girl behind them that counts, and that girl is OK with me. And with a lot of others, I’m sure!

I’m not trying to make light of your situation, Techie. But I’m sure you’ll be able to cope with it.

You know what? In looking through my posts, I realize I am one fucking scared woman…I am scared.

God Damnit I am afraid of the future. I am fucking afraid of being alone yet I am afraid of being with someone.

I cry, I want to scream but I don’t. This world has always given me pause and I always feel like a weird person, like no on can really like me. Why the fuck should they, I am straight up weird.

God, WTF? When will my 17 years of torture end? Enough is fucking enough!

All I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs. I shiver at the thought. I need some control somewhere, somehow.

Damnit if I don’t feel in control of my life!

OK, I’ve never done this before, but let’s see what it’s like:

{{{{{{Techie}}}}}}

I’ve read through this and see nothing about you that would make you at all undesirable to people. But I can sense the pain you must be in. I’m truly sorry about that. You’ve always seemed to me to be a great person, and you don’t deserve this sort of torment in life. Dammit, I feel frustrated thinking about what you must be going through and knowing that your situation is probably such that nothing I say will really help. I can’t even imagine how it must feel for you.

My sincerest sympathy goes out to you.

Techie,
I came across this thread thanks to a link from Booger cat.
I have felt the same way many of times. Your crys echo many things I have thought myself many times. This to shall pass my friend. Just ride it out and be grateful you have friends all over the world who think you are a kind wonderful person. Coldie, waterjet2, and now myself have shown that. I am sure other posters will as well when they read this thread.
Hope things get better, they normally do for me.

Osip

Techchick: Anyone who thinks even a bit is scared of life sometimes - it’s part of the package, I’m afraid. Let me restate what the other guys said: You come across as warm, caring and pretty darn smart.

Finding someone to love is a bummer of a job, I know. Perhaps you should decide to lean back for a while and let someone find you instead ? And someone will, presumably at the most unexpected and inconvenient time, that being the way things work.

Things will get better. You’ll come through stronger and wiser. I wish I could give you a hug.

S. Norman

Techie:

If you want to talk, email me. I’ll email you my phone number.

{{{{{Techie}}}}}

{SIGH}

Been there, done that, I know exactly how you feel (and I’m 31 going on 32, myself). Go have a nice hot cup of tea, watch a sad movie, and relax - this, too, shall pass.

Personally, I can’t wait to hear from you in a year or two saying, “Wow, I never thought I could be this happy with someone!” :wink:

Oh, and I could not resist pointing this out:

SCHMOO! Remember that cute li’l cartoon ghost? :smiley: You’re just as cute as Shmoo! (Except I hope you don’t have scraggly facial hair like he did!)

Esprix

I normally don’t get personal on these boards, but techie, I’m in the midst of some marital problems right now. It could go either way, and if it goes the way of divorce, I will be 33, alone, with virtually no life whatsoever.

I’m not trying to turn this into a contest; I’m just trying to say, you’re never as alone in your problems as it may seem sometimes.

The secret, I think, is evaluating yourself, finding the things about yourself that you want to change. Then beginning the slow and time-consuming process of changing them, knowing that there will be occasional setbacks and frustration because it doesn’t happen overnight.

Then, when you start to see yourself making progress in the areas you want to change and improve, I’m sure you’ll start to feel better, happier. The other stuff - finding a life partner - it seems to me that sort of thing more often than not occurs almost by accident, when you least expect it. Trying to force it will just lead to disappointment and frustration – or the wrong choice.

You seem like a very worthwhile person to me, techie. Just focus on yourself for a while, making improvements you want to make in your life. The rest will come in time. Promise.

(I hope I can take my own advice …)

Oh, hey, I know you don’t know me, but…what can I say? I’ve been married for over twelve years and I’m your age. The big news is…I have felt the SAME way you do right now. Yes, having someone special is a good thing, but it’s not the only thing. And it doesn’t always fix everything.
I know you don’t want sympathy or cheering up. But I want to give you something. You want to scream? Do it. You’re mad, you’re hurt, you’re confused and nothing you thought would make sense at this point does. Now, listen to me. You’re not wrong. You’re not bad. And you are perfectly entitled to every feeling you have–good or bad. They are yours. Let them come, get through them.
Please take care of yourself. Don’t think about all the other people in the world for a minute. Think about you. Treat yourself like the unique one-of-a-kind treasure that you are. I know that sounds sappy, but it’s true. And that’s why you need to do it. Let everyone else worry about themselves for a while.
You are so valuable, your thoughts, your work, you. Don’t see it? That’s okay. Take some time and learn about how neat you are (we all see it). Maybe, just maybe dealing with the things you don’t like about yourself will be a little easier when you realize how few of them there are compared to your strengths.
I said I wouldn’t try to cheer you up. Sorry. I’m not trying to patronize you. I hope you take all this with the love and concern intended.
take care of you, struuter

I like you Techie.

Tech…
Wow… you say 31… who is going to want you now…Well, who WOULDN’T want someone who is NOT a bubbleheaded 20 year old?
Men, in my experience, usually don’t look to get into a good relationship until they are well into their 30’s. 31 is NOT old. Trust me, you will find someone great and that person will find you. I’m 34, had my share of fucked up relationships. I don’t consider myself old. I consider myself a great woman who is an asset to any mans life…I know what I want in life, generally… I know who I am as a person… as I’m sure you are.
As stupid as this might sound right now… Mr. Right will come along when you least expect it, and sometimes in the wierdest of situations…
As for wanting someone you can’t have…well, woman to woman… maybe it’s time to find someone worthy of your love and attentions…sometimes one needs to put up or shut up… and I’m not talking about you here. <does that make sense? <shrug> I don’t know…>
Easy… HELL NO…
Necessary… well, sadly, sometimes…yes… and it hurts like hell, but you always come through the other end a better person.
I think you will find someone great :slight_smile:

Techchick

Since we don’t know each other, please forgive the presumption.

Scared is normal. Scared is good even. Shows your input devices are functioning correctly.

You might want to talk to a friend or your pastor or a relative or even a pro about the pressures you’re feeling.

Be strong.

Techie, I read your first post and I had tears in my eyes. You’re hurting.

I think you’ve reached a plateu in your life and you fear it will always be like that. It won’t.

I’ve seen your picture. You’re a beautiful woman. I’ve read your posts. You’re smart, funny, warm, witty.

There are men who would kill to have a woman like you. They just haven’t been around lately. But it’ll happen. You can run, but you can’t hide.

And when it does happen, you’ll have a whole set of new problams to contend with:

Would it kill him to vacuum the rug once in a while?
I wish the klutz would learn how to rinse out a glass.
Hair in the sink. Again. Grrrr.
He’s a sex maniac!

It’ll be okay, hon. You’ll see.
**{{{{{Techie}}}}}[b/]

You don’t know me either, and I suspect you’re sick of platitudes. But I will say this: your rant shows you’re a lot more self-aware than most other people. That’s positive (even though it’s probably agonizing sometimes).

32 is not the end of the road, either. I am the same age. Not very long ago I was underemployed, single, had no savings, no retirement plan, and horrible shitty user RL friends (good online friends were one–the only–bright spot. Well, my two cats made that three bright spots). I don’t what it was, but karma got better fast. I am now married, have a kid, have a house, a car that actually works, and a real job. And I am working on the better RL friends thing. My life is far from perfect but I finally started getting some of the things that normal people seem to have and deserve. Why? I don’t know, really. But my point is that things can change, and change remarkably fast. You’re not “behind” any timeline, and it’s not too late. For anything.

I hope that things suck less very soon. Or that you feel les sucky about them.

Oh, techie . . . I don’t usually get involved in these, either, but . . .

I’m 43 and “alone” in the romantic sense and always will be; though I have lotsa friends. Sure, some of it sucks, but you know what? There are a LOT of advantages to being a spinster, too. As my wise old Aunt Ida says, “it’s better to be alone than to wish you were.”

Sentiments to embroider on a pillow. Wanna join my Bitter Spinsters Club?

Awww techie! 31 isn’t OLD! I’m 30, and if you’re old, then I’m old, and I refuse to believe that.

I know that words don’t mean a lot, but I know from your posts that you’re an intelligent, interesting woman. You could be a brainless bubbly chick, married for 10 years, with 3 kids. Is that really better than where you’re at? I’d rather talk to you any day than the typical run of the mill non-doper woman.

I also don’t think that most of your sadness can be attributed to not having a mate. I think that we all realize how lonely life is when we reach our 30’s and 40’s. Like someone above said, you can be just as lonely & sad in a relationship as you can outside of one.

You might want to pick up the book “Whereever you go, there you are.” It gave me some comfort when I was feeling sort of like you’re now feeling. Worth a try, at least.