<Byz notes that you should show them this thread to give them a clue>
You can’t find what you do not ask for.
Ask.
There are many in your life more than ready to give. We did. We may be cyber-friends but look how many pledged love and acceptance.
Hi techchick-
I am older than you, and alone in the SO sense of the word. I feel for you, and I’d like to share two things.
I once read a book about Nantucket, and in it they had a wonderful quote from a “spinster” woman, who was single in an era when it was a whole lot less accepted than it is now. She said “It takes a pretty wonderful husband to be better than no husband at all”. I liked this, and I remind myself of this every once in a while. After all, there are some really good things about not having a SO. Also, some things that stink. Until my situation changes, I try to focus on the good things. If I ever have a man in my life, I will have to shift gears and focus on what is good about that. This whole thing is a pain in the neck, and I want you to know you are not alone. I feel your pain.
The other thing is something my mom always said. She is gone now, but her pearls of wisdom come back to me often. She always said “There is nothing better than a good marriage, and nothing worse than a bad one.” This makes sense to me, and I try to remember all of the junk I have missed by not settling for a SO who wasn’t a good choice for me. And there have been many, just as you have apparently had a few. Commend yourself for not hanging in there with bad situations just so you wouldn’t be alone. I know alot of women who have done or are doing this, and they are way more miserable than you and I will ever be.
Hope you don’t find this presumptuous, since we don’t know each other. Also, I know you aren’t talking about marriage, but the spinster and my mom were of a different generation, and to them a SO was a husband.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{techchick}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am sending you positive thoughts.
Scotti
{{{Techie}}}
I can’t add anything to the wonderful advice that’s already been posted. I will point out that I was 34 when I met my partner, and that was after I’d given up on finding love – for ten years I’d dated every flake, psycho, sleaze, and doofus in four area codes.
It’s trite, but it’s true – you only find love when you’re not looking for it.
Give it time. Have your head in a good place, and the rest will follow.
techchick–somehow I missed this post for a few days.
I understand completely what you are going through. Someone suggested to me just the other day that I might try reading the book, “Who Moved My Cheese?” You might give it a try. I don’t know if it will help!
What the fuck is wrong with the guys in Colorado? That’s all I have to say.
Techie’s smart, pretty, and single. [singing]One of these things is not like the others, one of these things does not belong[/singing]
[looking up the chemical industry in Colorado…]
Well, I have already sent you a private letter, but I just wanted to post here as well–my thoughts are with ya right now!
Hi there techchick, it’s been a few days since your big rant, and I was just thinking about you and hoping you are feeling better. ((((((((hug)))))))) sorry you had to go through something so shitty, my thoughts are with you.
Techie, you don’t seem like you are alone. You have a lot of friends here (if you can accept this as being anything like real life). And there are plenty of your online friends who would like to have the opportunity to get to know you IRL. Which is good.
Thirty-one is not old! For a guy my age (and I’m not that old) you are teetering on the edge of too young! Smack-dab in prime trophy wife territory! 
We like you. Some of us who know you better than I seem to love you. And you know how you did it? By being yourself–smart, tough, and sometimes touching. That is something great about these online friendships: the physical doesn’t enter into it right away and relationships are built, instead, on mutual respect, shared interests, and getting to like each other for what we are. This is how the strongest, longest-lasting, relationships are built.
This is straight out of Dear Abby, but you may want to join a club that attracts people with your interests. One with warm bodies, not this online crap. Don’t look at it as a way to “get a man.” It is just how you can meet some people with similar interests. If something romantic develops, that’s great. If not, it’s still nice to be with people you don’t work with, aren’t related to, and haven’t known since grade school.
Finally, speaking as a man who’s been around the block, you are a much better catch than just about any woman out there. You are cool. I can’t say that about most people. So here’s the obligatory bear hug:
{{{{{techchick68}}}}}
I read this board regularly, though I don’t usually feel the need to post. This time, I do. I don’t really know you, techchick, but I do know what you’re talking about-- very, very well. When you say you’re scared, I know just what you’re afraid of. On one hand, you’re afraid that things will stay the way they are, and that you’ll always be alone; on the other hand, if you’re anything like me, you’re also probably afraid that things won’t stay the way they are–in other words, if you try to change your situation, it will only get worse than it is. In my case, these two fears are about equally balanced, so neither is strong enough to really drive me to confront the other. Meaning that I’m pretty much stuck in romantic limbo, and plan to remain there for a long time, as I’m basically a coward when it comes to things of a romantic/emotional nature.
I’m guessing you’re in a similar situation as myself in this department: your life feels lonely, but only when you really think about it–which you try not to. When you do, sometimes you get really depressed, and wish you could change things, but feel unable to do so. Eventually, the pain fades into the background of your life again, until the cycle repeats itself again. And now you’re at the point where you’re wondering if this shitty cycle is ever going to be broken, or if things really aren’t going to get any better. I don’t know if I’m even close to the mark with any of that, but it describes me pretty well, and the stuff you’ve written in this thread reminds me of a lot of similar stuff I’ve written over the years, so I’m guessing that we might be a tad similar in this respect.
Unfortunately, that means I have no answers for you, because I have all the same questions. Believe me, if I knew how to help you feel better about this, I would do it in a heartbeat. I know what it’s like to feel alone, unloved, and unwanted, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
It would be unthinkably hypocritical of me to end this by saying that “I’m sure you’ll find someone,” as I myself have been (VERY incorrectly) told countless times… but, for what it’s worth, I hope you do.
Actively imagine/construct a future for yourself, as a person alone.
Just as though I’d looked into the future and told you with certainty, you will be alone.
First, you’d stop worrying about it. And then you’d say, “Well, okay, if that’s the case then I shall find/build another kind of life for myself”.
A life so full and busy with things so wonderful and adventurous that I’d be willing to live it alone. A life that needs to please, and be esteemed by only me. Stop waiting for something to complete you, the task falls only to you.
Begin to pursue it, I promise, with absolute certainty, you will be putting out a very different vibe, and all you desire will come to you.
(my 2 cents)
I’ve chatted in the same IRC room with you for long enough to know that you are a very bright, determined, sweet, sensitive woman(although it might not always seem so).
You will come into your own soon enough, nothing can stop you.
In short, YOU ROCK!
-Sam
TechChick
For what it might be worth, Edlyn and I met in our 40s, and neither of us saw it coming.
My sainted mother used to say, “You never know what’s around the corner.”
I love you. God go with you always.
Lib
Except for a troll, I love you guys, you all jam!
< sniff sniff >
If you’ll accept some tongue in cheek advice, just go to my old hangout, the Underground, corner of Kiowa and Nevada…you’ll feel sooooo much superior to a lot of the people who go there (unless it’s changed a lot in the last 2 years) especially if any of my ex-girlfriends are still there. hmmmm and where else do my ex-girlfriends in the Springs hang out? Whatever the Metro and Baker St changed their names to.
Ok, and I’ll really run and hide if you actually are an ex-girlfriend (I doubt it) or already go to any of those bars.
pinqy
Okay, what the hell is going on here??
I leave for a few days, and everything goes to hell in a handbag.
I’ve met techchick, we hung out once. Hell, we even got sloshed together.
We are supposed to go and hang out, but there are a few problems.
-
I work nights, so I am a night person.
-
My girlfriend and I work opposite schedules, so all the free time I have, I spend with her.
At any rate, you’re right, tech. We should still go and hang out. Until I get a third job, my afternoons are free, so we can kick it until like 3:30 during the week.
And you know what? I think that you should meet my friend Eran. He’s really cool, he works with me, and if I vouch for him, he can’t be all bad. Anyway, you can never have too many friends, so I think you should meet this guy. We shall see.
Further, I want you to stop this self depricating speech. My girlfriend does the same shit, always saying she is dumb and stupid and fat and shit, and she does this in front of her dad and mom and I sometimes fear that they might think that I have something to do with that. Bullshit. I am forever telling her how beautiful she is, and how smart she is, and how proud I am of her and her accomplishments, and her honors status in her classes, and how she is instantly good at anything she chooses to do, and that every night I come home I am amazed to see her in our bed, and think that I am the luckiest man alive to have her forever. And I tell her these things, and I show her these things, I write about it, I talk about it (did you notice?) so she knows.
And still, she says she is dumb, and ugly, and stupid, and inept.
It drives me crazy, I do not tolerate anyone talking shit about her, but what do I do when it’s her? I can’t very well punch her lights out, now can I?
And now the same thing is happening with techchick?
ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
I swear lady, if you don’t stand up right now and admit how fuckin’ cool you are, I am going to march down the street and camp out in front of your work and wait for you with a bouquet of fresh flowers…
And beat some sense into you with them!
Listen, I know that I haven’t been the best friend in the world, and that we still need to go and knock some balls around and swill some brews, but listen here, missy:
We all dig you, we all agree that you kick more ass than Al Pacino in a gangster flick.
So just admit it.
You kill people.
~Santi
PS. This is an explanation of “kill people”. Remember back in the day, when you saw something that was really neat, really swell, really great, whatever, and you would say “That’s bad!”? Well something to that effect, and I know you are all familiar (barring anyone from Amsterdam or some damn where <snicker!>) with the term I am referencing. Anyway, if something is bad, then to “kill people” would be really bad, right?
I mean, murder is one of the worst things you can do, right?
So, saying “X kills people,” is basically saying “X is bad to the nth degree”. So now you know, and you can rest assured that the rash of kidnappings and killings and bizarre ritual killings across Colorad has nothing to do with me.
Honest.
Techie:
I admit that I haven’t read all of the replies to your original post… so forgive me if I give advice that you have already heard!
I am 34, and have had my share of sadness in life… for years I cursed God and blamed him for my troubles. Here is what I have recently learned (and I won’t bore you with the details of how I learned it… everyone comes to this knowledge in their own ways): You, and I, and everyone else is stuck in this unfortunate state of being “alive”.
What does “alive” mean, and why are we here? I dunno, but I am starting to find out…
Here is what I have uncovered so far:
-the universe was created (Big Bang, described metaphorically in the Bible), and therefore had a Creator.
-into the universe, the Creator placed US
-we are “alive”
-there will be an afterlife (of what kind, I dunno)
-life SUCKS!!! For EVERYONE!!!
-we learn from our misfortunes in life
-this knowledge will be used in the afterlife (how? I dunno… the Bible implies that we will be teaching the Angels…WTF? What does that mean?)
-we are here to learn from our mistakes and misfortunes and the unfairness of life
So, what can I tell you? Nothing, other than that we all need to keep in mind that we are here to learn all that we can about what it is like to suffer and still be able to treat others well… in 30, 40, 50, 60, etc. years, we will all be in the afterlife. The afterlife will last forever (keep in mind that time, itself, did not exist before the Creator made this universe… I refer you to the theory of relativity and the Bible).
So… what can we make of all this? The only sense that I can make of it is that life is a trial, meant to teach us and toughen us up for some role in the afterlife…
Think of life as a movie: parts of it are funny, parts are touching, parts are depressing, parts are scary, parts are thrilling, etc… but it will be OVER sooner than we imagine, and then the REAL stuff starts! And I believe that the afterlife will make all of this crap worthwhile!
PS: No, I am not a religious nut! I just recently started going to church (and have skipped a few Sundays when I had a bad hangover… not too sure I believe that God cares if I get up and fawn over Him on Sunday or not…) All of my beliefs are the result of a lot of thought and study. My friends think that I am nuts, but God has talked softly to me…