Golfing Like Wally

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I went golfing yesterday and I had what could only be described as a Wally day. It all started on the twelfth hole. The twelfth hole has a water hazard right in front of the tee. I get ready to hit my tee shot and I sky the drive. It goes about 30 yards in the air and thirty yards down to the edge of the water hazard. The ball comes down hard right on the shell of a turtle. The turtle slips into the water and the ball lands behind it. My first thought was “My god I killed a turtle.”. My second thought was "God I feel like Wally. After a minute or so, the turtle crawled out of the water. I didn’t want to disturb him again so I left the ball behind.

On the next hole I hit my tee shot about 5 feet away from a tree. I get to the ball and I am checking to make sure I won’t hit the tree. All of a sudden I hear a loud flwwwwping noise, which scared the bejeesus out of me. I look behind me and I see a birds nest sitting about six inches behind my left ear. I guess the bird saw this club coming towards it and it figured it was time to go.

Two holes later I hit another tee shot into the water and I hit ANOTHER turtle. I gave up shortly after that. Normally, I am not a hazard to wildlife. I guess there are some times when the inner Wally has to shine through.
Wally, er Keith.

2

No, no, no.

See, Wally would have accidentally hit the TURTLE whilst teeing off, sending it 30 yards into the air before it crashes into the water :smiley:

3

BTW, the day that my “inner Wally shines through” I’m getting the surgery over and done with, no matter what you idiots tell me.

4

I haven’t golfed in quite a while, but I used to all the time on the base course when I was in the AF. I’m not only a hazard to wildlife, but also to the guys I’m playing with, even when they’re still on the tee with me.

I teed off, and heard “oof” behind me. I had, for lack of a better term, fouled off the drive, and the ball shot straight back and hit my friend Greg in the chest. He was rolling on the ground, and at first we thought he was hurt until he turned over and we saw he was laughing his ass off at me. I drove the ball -2 yards. Needless to say, I took a mulligan.

5

When I can play golf, I usually do it with my twin brother Mark. He’s about a a 3.5 handicap golfer and dead serious about all the rules.

So we’re golfing the course at Limerick (Pa.) with two of by other brother and I tee off.

I apparently teed the ball up to high, 'cause when I made my stroke, my driver passed clean under the ball popping it straight up in the air. Not able to stop my swing I continue through the ball and apparently strike it squarely above my head!

The ball rockets away, in the wrong direction, punching a hole in one of the snack bar’s screen, hiting a patron in the back of his head and driving him to his knees.

We rolled with laughter, checked on the guy and retrieved my ball.

I dropped the ball, still giggling, back on the tee box intended to use a much safer iron, when Mark chirped up, “You know, you’re hitting four.”

“What?!”

“Two club strikes and an out-of-bounds penalty stroke. You’re hitting four.”

Mark may be good, but he’s no fun to golf with.

6

So, there I was playing golf for the first time ever. I am at a course in Alabama, the day before my friend gets married. We decide to play a round and since none of us have much skill whatsoever, we are playing just for grins. The first 5 holes occur without much activity. The random lake shot, one guy hit a house, a few balls were lost. Pretty normal.

Then, the 6th hole. 500 yards, par 5. Relatively straight hole. I step up to the tee, do my little waggle, and get ready to swing. I can generate a ton of power, but usually screw up the swing. however, this time everything was perfect. I absolutely killed the ball. Picture a perfectly straight shot, over 300 yards on the fly. I will never hit a better shot. The ball landed just on the other side of a rolling hill at which point I am considering myself the 2nd coming of Ben Hogan. Unfortunately, about 2 seconds later a bird lurches into the air from the area where my golf ball landed, tries to fly, and then just sort of tails off to the left and smacks into the ground. i make it up to my ball location and next to the ball is a very dead bird. Needless to say I flung it into the woods with my club and played through.

7

Mullinator got a birdie…

sorry…ignore this…really…

8

A guys dies and is standing before the gates of heaven seeking admittance. St. Peter is asking him all the appropriate questions to determine his eligibility and gets to the one, “have you ever taken the Lord’s name in vain?”

Unwilling to lie at this stage of the game, the man must reluctantly admit that, yes, he did one time take the Lord’s name in vain. “Tell me how it happened,” said St. Peter.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was golfing with my buddies one Sunday morning. I was having a great game and I get to the 18th hole and tee off. All I have to do is make this par 4 hole and I’ve beat the other guys and they’ll have to buy me a round at the bar. I hit a beautiful shot that heads straight down the middle of the fairway. Then wouldn’t you know, a gust of wind picks up and the ball takes a wicked, last-minute curve and lands in the woods.”

So St. Peter asks, “is that when you took the Lord’s name in vain?”

“Oh no,” said the man. I held my composure. I found my ball and actually managed to get it to clear the trees and land on the green! But then it took a bad bounce and landed in a sand trap. sigh"

“Aaaah, that was when you used the Lord’s name in vain, right?” asked St. Peter.

“Nope. I got out my trusty sand wedge and got the ball back onto the green. Not only that, it headed straight for the cup and actually hit the edge and swirled around it a time or two. But then it bounced right back out and landed 2” from the hole!"

“So that’s when you used the Lord’s name in vain!” declared a confident St. Peter.

“Not at all,” said the man.

And St. Peter looks at him and says, “don’t tell me you missed that God damn putt!”