Good jokes you've heard recently

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
182

Two very British explorers are captured by natives in the heart of Africa and brought before the tribal chief.

He looks them over and says "You have a choice: Death … or the oonga-boonga!

The first explorer is shaking in his boots. “Oh, please, I don’t want to die! I’ll take the oonga-boonga, whatever that is!”

All of the village warriors start dancing up and down and chanting “Oonga-boonga, oonga-bunga!” They form two lines, the first explorer has his shorts torn off, and he spends the next hour going from one warrior to the other, taking it up the chute at each one. At the end of that time, he’s humiliated and sore as hell, but he’s still alive.

The second explorer watches the whole thing in horror. “That’s disgusting!” he says indignantly. “I prefer death!”

This time, the warriors go absolutely wild with excitement. The chief stands up, raises his arms over his head, and cries “Death! Death! Death by oonga-boonga!”

183

During WWII, the late Queen Mother is making a tour of the front lines in Burma. In a field hospital she comes across a young Welsh lad in traction and bandaged from head to toe.

“Oh, my word!” she says to the boy. “What on Earth happened to you?”

He looks up and says “Well, mum, I don’t rightly know. Y’see, I was out in the jungle, separated from me regiment, hackin’ me way through the growth, when I looked up and saw a yellow-and-black ring snake danglin’ from a tree branch right in front of me. Deadly! I thought real fast and tried to remember what they told us t’do if we ever came across one. So I reached out with me left hand t’grab it by th’ tail and then ran me thumb up its belly t’choke it!”

“Good Heavens!” says the QM. “And what happened then?”

“Well, I’m not quite sure, mum. But somehow or other, I found meself with me thumb up the arse of the biggest Bengal tiger I’ve ever seen!”

184

In an officer’s club in London, a young leftenant approaches an old major sipping sherry and asks if the armchair next to him is occupied.

“No, no, sit right down!” says the major.

The leftenant takes his seat and begins sipping his own drink. “I say, sir,” he says, admiring the major’s chest full of ribbons. “It does look as though you’ve seen plenty of action!”

The major lights his pipe and starts puffing on it. “Yes, yes,” he replies. “Been in the army thirty years, soldiered all over the world, fought in three wars!”

“Well, in all that time, sir, what would you say was the greatest danger you ever faced?”

"Ah! That would be the time in Injia, when I was lost and separated from the regiment, hackin’ me way through the jungle, and suddenly a huge Bengal tiger reared up in front of me!

“Up on his hind legs, he was! Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroar!” he goes, rising out of his chair to demonstrate the tiger’s moves. He sinks back down in the chair and takes another puff on his pipe. “Ooooh, messed me pants!”

The leftenant looks down into his glass of whiskey and says “Well, yes, sir, I suppose in a case like that, one might.”

“No, no, no!” says the major. “Just now! Messed me pants!”

185

Same officer’s club in London. A major, a captain, and a leftenant are drinking and smoking.

The major says “Y’know, I’ve been in the army for thirty years now. Soldiered all over the world, fought in three wars, and for my money, the best damned soldiers in the world were the Waffen SS. Absolutely fearless, would fight to the last man … suberb!”

The captain puffs on his pipe and says “No, afraid I must disagree with you, sir. For my money, the best damned soldiers in the world are the Ghurkas. You know, those little brown chaps … trot through the jungle all night long, take on a machine gun with a machete … magnificent!”

The leftenant leans back and shakes his head. "No, no, afraid I must disagree with both of you. For my money, the best damned soldiers in the world are the Irish. Absolutely splendid!

“Provided, of course, they’re commanded by white officers!”

186

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

187

“Look at my new tie,” says a nouveau riche Russian plutocrat to his colleague. “I bought it for $500 in the store over there.”

“You got yourself conned,” says the other. “You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!”

188

A nouveau riche Russian totals his auto and staggers from the wreckage.

“Oh, my God!” he cries. “My beautiful Maybach!”

A bystander comes running up to the scene of the accident. “Oh, no!” he says. “Your arm is gone!”

The nouveau riche looks down at the bloody stump in stunned disbelief. “Oh, my God!” he cries. “My Rolex!”

189

What’s the difference between marmalade and jam?

I can’t “marmalade” my cock up your ass.

190

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”

191

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar…

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?”

Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but
I think I’ve got that right, now.”

Stevie: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right.”

Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?”

Stevie: “Yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Tiger: “But – you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Stevie: “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves
to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
towards his voice.”

“But, how do you putt” asks Tiger.

“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
towards his voice.”

Tiger: “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie: “Well, actually – I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Stevie: “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a
problem?”

Woods thinks about it and says, “I can afford that; OK, I’m game for
that… $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?”

Stevie: "Pick a night

192

Jesus goes up to one of the money changers in the Temple.

He gives him a wink and says “Got two tens for a five?”

193

Jesus and St Peter hit the links one fine Sunday morning for a leisurely 18 holes.

Peter wins the coin toss and tees off first. His ball sails downrange, swerves slightly to the left, and bounces to a stop on the edge of the wood.

Then Jesus tees off. His ball sails straight down the fairway, then does a 90 degree turn to the left and flies straight into the knothole of a giant oak tree.

The ball clatters around as it falls down through the oak’s hollow trunk. It finally reaches the bottom, and a squirrel comes running out from under a root with the ball in his mouth.

The squirrel’s halfway across the fairway when a huge eagle swoops down and grabs him in his talons. They soar upwards into the sky, and the squirrel lets go of the ball over the water trap.

Just before the ball hits the surface, a fish jumps out of the water and catches it in his mouth. He dances across the surface of the pond on his tail, and when he reaches the edge he snaps his head and flings the ball straight onto the green.

The ball bounces three times and goes straight into the cup for a perfect hole-in-one!

Peter turns around and looks at Jesus, who’s just standing there with a silly grin on his face.

“Look,” says Peter, who’s really steamed. “You gonna play golf, or you gonna fuck around all day?!?”

194

I don’t get it.

195

Jesus implies he’s accepting bribes.

196

No, he’s trying to con the money changer.

197

Did you hear about the older woman of a Certain Ethno-Religious Background when her son accidentally fell in the lake? She ran around the park calling, “Help, please! My son the doctor has fallen in the lake! My son the doctor has fallen in the lake!”

198

When a man says he’ll fix something, he’ll fix it - he doesn’t need to be reminded every 6 months.

199

Heard this one last night on a youtube video of a British TV show.

Yeah, of course I smoked marijuana in college. I smoked a lot! I smoked it in the sun, in the rain, in snow and in sleet. But I did not in hail.

200

Or a similar one I heard:

I used to smoke a lot of pot in the 60s, now I don’t care what the temperature is.

201

A guy is shopping for Harley. He’s in his third shop looking at the new iron when the owner comes up and says, “You don’t want that.” Surprised, he turns to say something, and the owner says, “I think I’ve got something you want, but not in the showroom. Come on out back.” He follows the owner to the employee parking lot to a beautiful, gleaming chrome and black knucklehead. The whole picture, with the morning sun shining off the chrome exhaust and the black leather… and he’s in love. The owner is beaming, “I thought you would like that. I can usually tell a guy that’s looking for something special. I can let you have it for $5000, but you gotta promise me you’ll take of it.” They complete the transaction and the guy starts the beast and is ready to take off when the owner says “Wait a minute. It looks like we’re in for some rain. If you want that chrome to stay like that, put some Vaseline on it before it pours. The water just runs right off. Here, take this, there’s enough in the jar for at least one more coat. Be safe!” And with that he’s off to pick up his girlfriend for the maiden voyage.

He picks her up from work and she is so excited she invites him home for dinner. As they are walking up to her front door, she turns and says that her family is little eccentric, “When we go inside, don’t say anything. If you speak you have to do the dishes.” He thinks that’s kinda weird, but she is drop dead gorgeous, who cares. They get inside and he sees dirty dishes in the foyer, piled high in the living room and on the stairs, decorated in various hairy greens and browns running down the sides, but the dining room is spotless. There are candles on the table, the father a one end, mother at the other and kid sister on one side. Father nods and places another chair next to his daughter and they begin to eat in total silence.

He finishes his plate and decides to have some fun. He starts making mad passionate love to his girlfriend. As his girlfriend is putting herself back together, he starts the same thing with her mother. As she recovers from her passion, he does the same to the sister, right there on the mashed taters. Suddenly, he sees a flash followed by a low rumble. The rain! He pulls up his pants and runs out the door. He finishes coating the bike and comes back in the house. He puts the Vaseline in front of his plate next to the father and goes to grab the pitcher, when the father leaps from his chair shouting, “Alright! Alright! I’ll do the goddamn dishes.”