Mitch Hedberg:
You should get out more!
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are walking along a beach.
At one end of the beach they encounter a mermaid sitting on some rocks brushing her hair.
The Englishman goes up to her and asks: “Excuse me my dear, but have you ever been kissed?”
The mermaid looks up shyly and says “Why no I haven’t.”
So the Englishman leans in and kisses her.
Then the Frenchman comes over and asks: “Tell me, have you ever had your lovely breasts caressed?”
“No I haven’t” replies the mermaid.
So the Frenchman reaches over and strokes her chest for a while.
Then the Australian walks up: “Tell me love, ever been fucked?”
The mermaid smiles and says: “Never in my life.”
To which he replies: “Well, you have been now. The tide’s gone out”
Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new piano?
No?
That’s okay; neither has he! 
The Vaseline one reminds me of:
At the end of their first date, a young man took the girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decided to try for that important first kiss. So with a put on air of confidence, he leaned casually against the wall and said, “well, how about a goodnight kiss?”
She gasped, “are you mad? My parents will see us!”
“Oh, come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
“Oh, come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”
“No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh yes you can. Please?”
“NO, no. I just can’t.”
“Pleeeeeease?”
Out of the blue, the porch light suddenly went on. The door opened and the girl’s sister stood there sleepily in her nightgown, her hair disheveled. Drowsily she said, “Daddy says please will you go ahead and give this guy a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to stop leaning on the intercom button!”
I got my answer AT THE TIME, and it was A HELL OF ALOT NICER!!!
One I heard at Middlebury:
An emigre rabbi is riding the subway in New York when he sees a black guy reading a Jewish newspaper.
He goes up to the fellow and says “Isn’t it enough that you’re black?!?”
(Granted, it sounds a lot funnier in Russian… :rolleyes: )
See also the Mastercard advertisement parody, although he’s not asking for a kiss 
This was just in my Newsfeed. 
First heard by me when Philip and Elizabeth were married, then, again. for Charles and Diana, etc.
Probably was current, as well, when Edward the Confessor and Edith of Wessex were bonded, though I’d have to hear it in Anglo Saxon dialect to be sure.
Woman consults her doctor: “My husband isn’t interested any more.” doctor gives her 3 sample pills from a drug company, “Try these…have him take one at dinner, and, if it works like I think it will, use the other two pills before you come back to see me in two weeks”
Two weeks later…"How did the pills I gave you work. " woman, smiling, “Great! I slipped a pill into his water glass at dinner, and a few minutes later, he threw me down on the table and…15 mintues before he would stop!”
“Did you use all three?” “Yes, Doctor, and the result was exactly the same.”
“Well, then, perhaps I could find a few more pills for you to try…”
“Sorry, Doctor, I’m afraid we’ve already run out of restaurants who will let us in.”
In the light of the recent craze for coffee enemas, I contacted Twinings to see if would be possible to deliver the good old English cuppa in a pre-packaged form that could be enjoyed rectally.
Turns out they can’t organise a brew-up in a pessary.
Where did Prince Charles spend his wedding night?
In Diana.
Not recent, but an old favorite of mine:
A cowboy on his way into a bar notices that somebody has painted his horse’s ball bright blue. He storms in and demands: “Who’s the dirty low-down skunk what painted my horse’s balls blue?” Big Black Bart gets up off his stool, sixgun at the ready and says: “ME, asshole! What about it?!” The cowboy replies: “The first coat is dry, sir.”
“Josephine, please no lean on the bell–
When you moosh, please no push on the bell–”
“Josephina, please no lean-a on the bell / When you moosh, please no push-a the bell” http://youtu.be/mITHK2lHjAI?t=1m8s
A guy walks into a bar and orders six double shots of vodka all at once. The barkeep lines up the drinks on the counter, and the guy knocks them back in rapid succession.
“Whoa, hey!” says the barkeep. “Take it easy there, pal!”
The guy looks up and says “Sorry, I just came from my first blow job.”
“Aha!” says the barkeep knowingly. “Celebratin’, eh?”
“Hell, no!” the guy says. “I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”
An Australian is backpacking through the New Zealand countryside when he comes across a Kiwi farmer getting it on with one of his ewes.
“Listen, mate!” the Aussie says indignantly. “Where I come from we shear those!”
“Bloody hell!” says the panting New Zealander, banging away like there’s no tomorrow. “I’m not shearin’ this with anybody!”
A cowboy rides into town, dismounts and tethers his horse in front of the saloon. Right before going in, he goes to the horse’s rear end, lifts up its tail, and kisses it squarely on the poop chute.
A prospector who has been sitting in front of the saloon leaps up at this sight and yells, “Holy cow, mister, what in tarnation did you do that fer?”
The cowboy casts the prospector a sidelong glance as he moseys up to the entrance. “Got chapped lips,” he responds in his unhurried cowboy voice.
The prospector boggles at this. “You mean to tell me that kissin’ a horse’s patoot will clear up yer chapped lips?!”
“Nope,” replies the cowboy lackadaisically. “But it keeps me from licking 'em.”
A cowboy walks into a saloon with his horse trailing behind him.
“Hey!” says the barkeep. “You can’t bring that animal in here with you!”
The cowboy sidles up to the bar and says “You don’t understand, partner. This here’s a special horse. In fact, I’ll bet you a double shot of whiskey I can make him laugh.”
The barkeep thinks for a moment and says “Okay, hombre, it’s a bet. Let’s see you make him laugh.”
The cowboy goes up to the horse and whispers something in his ear. The animal immediately breaks into a fit of laughter.
“Damned if that ain’t somethin’!” says the barkeep and gives the cowboy his glass of whiskey, which he immediately downs.
“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet,” says the cowboy, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. “I’ll bet you the whole bottle I can make him cry.”
The barkeep thinks it over and says “Well, hell! If you can make him cry, that’s worth a bottle of whiskey! Go on!”
The cowboy takes the horse by the the bridle and leads him back out onto the street. A couple of minutes go by, and they walk back in again. This time the horse is crying pitifully.
“Ain’t never seen nothin’ like it!” says the barkeep, handing over a bottle of his best corn liquor. “How the hell did you do it?”
“Well,” says the cowboy, "the first time, I told him my dick was bigger than his.
“The second time, I showed him.”