A father is reading the paper when he hears the doorbell ring. He gets up and answers it and a young man is standing there.
“Hi, I’m Joe, is Flo ready to go to the show?”
The father calls Flo, she runs to greet Joe and the two leave for their date. Shortly thereafter, the doorbell rings again and once again the father opens it.
“Hi I’m Freddy, is Betty ready for spaghetti?”
The father calls Betty, who then leaves with Joe for their date. The doorbell then rings once more and the dad opens the door.
It’s been a tough week at work and this guy has been looking forward to a Saturday filled with college football. He sent the kids and the wife to her mothers. Moved a cooler of his favorite beer up next to his favorite chair. Got a Philly Cheese Steak for the break and nachos & salsa for rest. He’s settled down got the remote in his hand and there’s a knock at the door. “Damn! Now who could that be?” He stands up and looks out the front window and there’s no car. Glances through the curtain and there’s no one on the porch. So he goes and sits back down. Grabs the remote again… and there’s a knock at the door. “Son of a…” He gets up and goes to the door with murder in his eyes, pulls the door open and … There’s no one there! He looks down and there’s a snail slowly making it’s way toward him. In a rage, he picks it up and heaves hit as hard he can across the street.
Two years go by and the guy is sitting down in his favorite chair again and there’s a knock at the door. He opens the door and there is this snail. Snail looks up at him and says, “So what was that about?”
SPOCK: The obvious visual evidence, Commissioner, is that he is of the same breed as yourself.
BELE: Are you blind, Commander Spock? Well, look at me. Look at me!
KIRK: You’re black on one side and white on the other.
BELE: I am black on the right side.
KIRK: I fail to see the significant difference.
BELE: Lokai is white on the right side. All of his people are white on the right side.
I was in a pub the other night. Had a few brews when I noticed two rather large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
One of them chirped: “It’s WALES you friggin’ idiot!”
So, I immediately apologized and said…, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are alone on an uninhabited island. They find a lamp, rub it and free a genie, who promises to fulfill one wish for each for his own freedom:
The American says, “A million dollars and to go back home!” :: Poof ::
The Frenchman says, “Three beautiful women and to go back home!” :: Poof ::
The Russian says, “Aw, and just when we were getting along so well. Hmmm. I wish for three crates of vodka and the two other guys back again!”
Three men are unfortunately killed in a car crash but happily are whisked off to Heaven by the nearest angel. When they arrive St Peter signs them in and tells them that, in the land of the Blessed, there is little opportunity to do wrong and so there are few rules, but they must be careful not to step on any ducks. This seems odd to them, but when they are shown in they see that almost the entire floor is covered with ducks as far as the eye can see, and they are going to have to be careful.
Unfortunately one of them has a very short attention span and after a few minutes he forgets to look where he is stepping, and there is an outraged quack followed an instant later by the arrival of an angel who immediately handcuffs him to a fat, ugly woman. “Sorry,” says the angel, “but you were warned.”
The remaining two are much more careful but a few days later one of them gets into a merry game of Frisbee with someone’s halo, and in all the excitement he forgets to look out for the ducks, and once again an angel turns up with a fat, ugly woman and a set of handcuffs.
So the third man watches out very carefully, and avoiding stepping on ducks becomes an ingrained habit, and he’s not sure how much time goes by, and then an angel appears out of the blue and carries him away, and sets him down next to the most gorgeous blonde he ever imagined and handcuffs the two of them together before flying off. And he’s standing there with his mouth open and eventually says “Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this!”.
And the blonde says “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”
A pirate walks into a bar with a large wooden ship’s wheel as his belt buckle. The bartender thinks this is very strange, but says nothing of it. “What’ll you have?” he asks.
“Arrrrrr! Give me a beer!” shouts the pirate.
After a couple of rounds, the bartender finally can’t take it anymore. “What’s with the wheel on your belt?” he asks.
