What dinosaur can jump higher than a house?
All of them, houses can’t jump.
You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just from her hands.
For instance, if she is holding a gun, she is probably angry…
Sometimes, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
To all paranoids who check behind the shower curtains for murderers - what exactly is your plan if you find one?
How can you tell if a dinosaur is in the refrigerator?
You can’t close the door.
Or…
You see it’s tail in the potato salad.
The teacher says, “Class, today I’m going to assess your powers of deduction. I am going to give you a set of conditions and I want you to give me your best educated guess. Okay?.. Let’s begin. Johnny, there is a slightly overweight, balding man, a very fit black man, and a very well dressed middle aged man. Which one is the policeman?”
Johnny thinks about it a moment and says, “I think it is the black guy because he is fit. The bald man can’t run, is probably an accountant anyway, and the well dressed man is probably a banker. Which one is it?” The teacher says, “Well, I would say it’s the guy with the badge and the gun, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Johnny says, “Okay. I got one for you. There are three girls going into an ice cream store. They all come out with triple scoop ice cream cones of their favorite flavor. The first girl licks hers from the bottom to the top. The second one bites hers with little nips. The third girl puts hers all the way into her mouth and pulls it slowly back out. Which one is married?”
The teacher, by now is beet red, stutters and says, “Well I… I think it is the third girl. The first girl is just playing with it. The second girl is too rough. I think it’s the third girl because she is enjoying it very, very, much. Which one is it?”
Johnny says, “I was going to say it was the one with the wedding ring. But, I like the way you’re thinking!!”
A man on a Moscow bus tells a joke to his seatmate: “Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?”
“No, why?”
“It’s specialization: one knows how to read, and the other knows how to write.”
A gloved hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder — a policeman is standing right behind him! “Your papers!” the cop barks.
The hapless joke-teller surrenders his papers. The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: “Write him up a citation for slandering the Soviet Militsiya, Vasya.”
Heard a similar one about a Soviet-era Romanian police force that always sent its men out in groups of three.
- Why do Romanian policemen always go in threes?
- One who knows how to read, one who knows how to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals
A Muscovite comes home one night to find his apartment has been burgled and his pet parrot stolen.
So he drops a note to the KGB telling them that he doesn’t necessarily share the bird’s views.
From sixth grade (1966):
Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant in your refrigerator?
A: You can see his footprints in the cheesecake.
Q. How did the elephant hide in the apple tree?
A. He painted his toenails red.
What’s a redneck’s favorite pickup line?
“Git in th’ truck, bitch!”
What’s the definition of a “sensitive redneck”?
He doesn’t make his girlfriend give him a blowjob after he’s butt-fucked her.
Did you hear about the redneck who mowed his lawn and found his missing pickup truck?
Hear about the redneck who divorced his new bride when he found out she was a virgin? “If she ain’t good enough for her own kinfolk, she ain’t good enough for me!”
What’s a redneck virgin? A twelve-year-old who can outrun her uncle and older brother.
Ever see an elephant in an apple tree?
No?
That proves it works!
Ehh, not too impressed with the topper here. The basic gag is kinda funny: give somebody a list of suspects with subtle clues, ask them to figure out which best fits a particular role, and then tell them “Oh, it’s the one with this obvious characteristic” which wasn’t mentioned. Okay, good enough.
Flipping the pattern here doesn’t make me laugh, especially because the teacher wouldn’t play the sucker game once he’s on the spot. He’d be thinking of an obvious characteristic, and a ring wouldn’t be too hard to come up with.
Oh, all right, since you started it, here’s the single most disgusting joke I’ve ever heard:
Q: How does a hillbilly mom know when her daughter’s having her period?
A: Her son’s dick tastes different.
Dude! Joke forensics?! You’re kidding, right?!!
At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you looking for?”
The engineer decides to shoot the moon. “I’m thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package.”
“Hmm,” says the interviewer. “Well, what would you say to five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a Porsche?”
The engineer gapes and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
“Yeah,” replies the interviewer, “but you started it.”
I see what you did there.
Jose Lopez, a Mexican man who has just become a naturalized U.S. citizen, decides he wants to do everything American as soon as possible. He eats a hot dog and drinks Coke, he listens to rock music, he flies an American flag outside his house, he complains about Congress, and he buys a Chevy. When he goes to the ballpark to see a baseball game, though, every seat is sold and the management can only offer him a single seat - perched atop the flagpole.
The next day, a friend asks him how the game was.
“It was great!” he says with a grin. “And I never knew that people in the U.S. are so polite. Just before the game started, everybody in the ballpark turned towards me and asked, ‘Jose, can you see?’”
I heard a different variant
A young reporter is assigned to do “man on the street” interviews
The first guy he stops is African. He asks
Excuse me sir, what is your opinion of the world food shortage"
The man replies “I don’t understand the question” What do you mean by"food"?
The second guy he stops is Russian. He asks
Excuse me sir, what is your opinion of the world food shortage"
The man replies “I don’t understand the question” What do you mean by"opinion"?
The third guy he stops is American He asks
Excuse me sir, what is your opinion of the world food shortage"
The man replies “I don’t understand the question” What do you mean by"shortage"?
The fourth guy he stops is Israeli. He asks
Excuse me sir, what is your opinion of the world food shortage"
The man replies “I don’t understand the question” What do you mean by"Excuse me, sir?"
Old one but still very funny.
What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirtbag!
Joe retires and builds his dream house on a mountain in West Virginia. He’s just settling in when there’s a loud knock at the door. He opens it to see a huge, unkempt man in a torn red plaid shirt, jeans with suspenders, beer belly and an enormous bushy beard.
“The name’s Big Earl,” the man booms. “I live on the next hill over. I guess we’re neighbors now, huh?”
“Hello, Big Earl,” Joe says. “Won’t you come in?”
“No, thanks. Just wanted to invite you to my party on Saturday.”
“Oh, uh… thanks. Sure, I’ll come.”
“Great. Six o’clock; don’t be late.” Big Earl is about to go, then turns back and says, “You know, I guess I should warn ya… there’s usually a lot of weird drugs at my parties.”
“That’s OK,” says Joe. “I’ve been known to partake.”
Big Earl grunts. “I guess I should also warn you, there’s a lot of drinkin’ at my parties. I mean, a LOT of drinking.”
“No problem.”
Big Earl nods. “And, just so y’know… there’s a lot of wild, kinky sex at my parties.”
Joe wonders what he’s agreed to, but says, “That’s OK, too. I’ll be there. But tell me, would you like me to bring anything? What should I wear?”
Big Earl shrugs. “Won’t matter none. Just gonna be the two of us, anyway.”
Mickey Mouse is sitting in a divorce lawyer’s office.
The lawyer walks in, sits down behind his desk, and says “All right, Mr Mouse: What makes you think your wife, Minnie, is going crazy?”
Mickey looks up angrily. “I didn’t say she was going crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!”