Good jokes you've heard recently

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
382

“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it couldn’t have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s part, she composed herself as well as she could.

“I am so sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

383

A man comes down for coffee one morning to find his mother-in-law passed out on the kitchen floor. He yells to his wife to call 9-1-1 as he performs CPR. The EMTs arrive and take over and eventually race her to the nearest hospital. The husband and wife arrive at the hospital just in time to see the doctor come out of the emergency room. He says, “I have good news and bad news.” The guy says, “Let’s have the worst of it first, Doc.”

The doctor says, “Well, the woman has had a massive stroke. With her heart in such a weakened condition, her lungs are working overtime. This causes her to wheez like a steam kettle. A blood clot has gotten to her brain and affected her speech. She can only chirp and grunt. This has also affected the muscles of the body and caused her hands and arms to curl in like claws and clamped her jaw to the point where she can only have liquids and ground up solid food. She will have to be fed through a straw. Oh, and she is also incontinent so you’ll have to look after her bodily functions for the rest of her life.

“Good God!” exclaims the husband, “What could possibly be the good news?”

The doctor says, “I’m just kiddin’ She’s dead!”

384

Along the same lines…

An American backpacking through remote parts of Brazil stopped at a tavern in a tiny town, where he saw an old man with a small mustache, surrounded by young, blond Aryan-looking youths.

The backpacker said to the man, “I can’t help noticing that you look a lot like Adolph Hitler.”

The old man replied, “I **am **Adolph Hitler.”

The backpacker asked, “Well, what are you doing here?”

Hitler answered, “I am telling my followers my plans for our new Reich.”

The backpacker asked, “Well, what ARE your plans?”

Hitler replied, “Ziss time, vee are going to kill 12 million Jews und six clowns.”

The backpacker was completely confused, and asked, “Umm… Mr. Hitler? Why do you want to kill six clowns?”

Immediately, the old man clapped his hands, laughed, and said to his followers, “You zee? Vott did I tell you? NOBODY cares about ze Jews!”

385

A young engaged couple were in a limousine on the way to to church for their wedding when the limo crashed and they were killed.

When they got to the gates of Heaven, St. Peter welcomed them warmly. They asked, “Since we died before the wedding, can we get married here in Heaven?”

St. Peter said “Wait here, and I’ll see what I can do.” He was gone for several hours, but at last he returned and said, “Follow me- the wedding is all set.”

The woman then said, “You know, life on Earth is short, but eternity is a loooong time. What if we aren’t happily married? Can we get divorced in Heaven?”

Peter looked at her in exasperation and said, “Geez, lady, you saw how long it took me to find a priest. Now, you want me to find a LAWYER???”

386

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. “I’ve got you a job,” says his agent. “That’s great,” says the actor, what is it?" “Well,” says his agent, “it’s a one-liner” “That’s okay,” replies the actor, “I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?” “Hark, I hear the cannons roar” says the agent. “I love it” says the actor “When’s the audition?” “Wednesday” says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: “Hark, I hear the cannons roar”. “Brilliant,” says the director, “you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening.”

The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; “Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar.”

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. “Who the hell are you?” asks the guard. "I’m “hark, I hear the cannons roar.” “If you’re “hark I hear the cannons roar”, you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!”

So he runs up to makeup. “Who the hell are you” asks the makeup girl. “I’m “hark I hear the cannons roar.”” “If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar”, you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. “Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on.”

He dashes down to the stage. “Who the hell are you?” asks the stage manager. “I’m “hark, I hear the cannons roar.”” “You’re “hark, I hear the cannons roar?” Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up.”

He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?”

387

October/November, 1917. St Petersburg, Russia. Lenin mounts the podium to address a crowd of his followers at the Smolnyi Institute.

“Comrades!” he proclaims. “The workers’ and peasants’ revolution, the need for which the Bolsheviks have always spoken and written about, has been ACCOMPLISHED!”

The crowd cheers wildly.

Lenin snaps his suspenders. “And now: THE DISCOTHEQUE!”
Okay, so it sounds funnier in Russian… :frowning:

388

Lenin is working at his desk one night when his wife Krupskaya comes up behind him and puts her arms around his shoulders.

“Volodya!” she says. “It’s late already. Time to go to bed!”

Lenin waves a hand. “You go on to bed. I’ve still got some work to do.”

A couple of hours go by. Krupskaya calls from the bedroom “Volodya, it’s after midnight!” Time to go to bed!"

Lenin answers “Don’t wait up for me, go to sleep! I’ve still got some work to do.”

Another couple of hours go by. Lenin gets up and goes to the bedroom door. He taps gently and whispers “Nadya, are you asleep?”

“Not yet!” she replies girlishly.

“That’s okay,” says Lenin. “You go to sleep, I’ve still got some work to do.”
http://cache4.asset-cache.net/gc/138587594-madame-nadezhda-krupskaya-widow-of-lenin-gettyimages.jpg?v=1&c=IWSAsset&k=2&d=Z0zsWpN2ukUDXYqF4boPJaFEZWaF3g7Qh0XdxJApUvfGSX1IL0fN31gT1A%2BSiNlG2eDdD%2FXX%2BUP%2BbaY1%2BkJ3jA%3D%3D

389

OK, Am I not up on my Russian or am I missing something here? This appears to be a joke about a husband and wife, but there are four names mentioned:
Lenin
Krupskaya
Volodya
Nadya

390

One day in 1918, the phone rings at Cheka HQ in Moscow. Lenin is calling, so Dzerzhinsky takes the call personally.

“Feliks Edmundovich!” says an irate Lenin. “I’ve just found out that some old goat* has been banging my Nadya!”

Dzerzhinsky leans back in his chair, strokes his beard, and thinks “Oh, shit! Don’t tell me he’s finally caught on?!?”
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f8/Felix_Dzerzhinsky_1919.jpg
*In Russian, this is roughly the equivalent of “motherfucker.”

391

Vladimir “Volodya” Lenin. “Volodya” is a pet name.

Nadezhda “Nadya” Krupskaya, Lenin’s wife. “Nadya” is also a pet name.

http://www.spartacus.schoolnet.co.uk/RUSkrupskaya2.JPG

It’s Soviet humor, which some might say is a contradiction in terms.

392

Ahh. OK. Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and go with that, don’t get any of them.

393

Dude, you’ve gotta get your story straight. Pink or blue? :wink:

394

I knew you wouldn’t question the democrats versus opponents thing.

395

:p:D:p:D

396

D’oh! Try this one:

The Soviet Union falls and the Romanov monarchy is restored. Gorbachev is exiled to Siberia. Months later he learns that his wife, back in Moscow, is very ill, and he grows desperate to see her. He is finally able to get the new Tsar on the phone, and begs the monarch to permit him to return to the capital to attend to his ailing wife.

The Tsar puts his hand over the receiver and says to his closest advisor, “I don’t know, what do you think, Gromyko?”

397

I’ve heard several variations on this joke, but most of the time, the joke starts with a pollster asking “Excuse me, what is your opinion of ____.”

And an Israeli gets the last line. “What’s ‘excuse me’?”

398

The elementary school teacher for a second grade class is trying to teach her pupils about the five senses. She announces, “Class. Today we are going to discuss the sense of taste. I am going to ask one of you to come up to the front of the class and sit in this chair where you will be blindfolded. I have some things in this bag here on my desk. I am going to place a sample on your tongue and ask you to identify it. Okay? Let’s begin.”

“Sally. Will you come up?” The little girl promptly sits in the chair and puts the blindfold on and the teacher places a slice of orange on her tongue. The teacher asks, “Can you tell the class what that is, Sally?” Sally answers, “Why that’s tastes like an orange!” “Correct.” says the teacher.

“Mary. Will you come up?” The little girl promptly sits in the chair and puts the blindfold on and the teacher places a slice of apple on her tongue. The teacher asks, “Can you tell the class what that is, Mary?” Mary answers, “Why that’s tastes like an apple!” “Correct.” says the teacher.

“Okay, Billy. Will you come up?” The boy promptly sits in the chair and puts the blindfold on and this time the teacher reaches into her purse and pulls out a Hershey’s Kiss and places it on his tongue. The teacher asks, “Can you tell the class what that is, Billy?” Billy answers, “No, I cannot.” The teacher says, “Okay. I’ll give you a hint. It’s something your father gets from your mother before he goes to work in the morning.”

Suddenly, Sally leaps out of her chair and runs down the aisle screaming, “Spit it out! Spit it out!! It’s a piece of ass!!!”

399

What did the blind guy say as he walked past the fish market?

“Good morning, ladies!”

400

A commissar is haranguing factory workers during the Russian Revolution. He says, “When we have communism, you will all have a five-day workweek! When we have communism, you will all have dachas of your own! And when we have communism, you will all have strawberries and cream for every supper!”

One worker tentatively raises his hand and says, “But I don’t like strawberries and cream.”

The commissar glares at him and says, “When we have communism, you will all like strawberries and cream!”

401

Alternate ending:

…this time the teacher reaches into her purse and pulls out a honey Lifesaver and places it on his tongue. The teacher asks, “Can you tell the class what that is, Billy?” Billy answers, “No, I cannot.” The teacher says, “Okay. I’ll give you a hint. It’s something your mother calls your father.”

“Ptooey! It’s an asshole!”