Vanya the Muscovite is at his work station punching out widgets one afternoon when he’s approached by the factory’s political commissar.
“Comrade!” says the commissar. “Why were you not at the last Party meeting?”
“Well, hell!” says Vanya. “If I had known it was the last Party meeting, I’d’ve been there for sure!”
Alternate version, where the teacher is showing flash cards of animals to city kids. After two correct answers, the teacher shows a picture of a deer with antlers and the kids are stumped:
… “Okay, I’ll give you a hint. It’s something your mother calls your father when they’re feeling affectionate.”
“I know! It’s a horny bastard!”
So, for all you guys out there: Do you know how to get a blonde pregnant?
And they call us stupid!
Que dicho el azucar a la cucharara? (What did the sugar say to the teaspoon?)
“Nos vemos- por el cafe’.”
A woman is out driving with her four-year-old daughter.
“Mommy, mommy!” says the little girl. “Where are all the cocksuckers, assholes, and bastards today?”
The woman replies “They only come out when your father’s driving, dear.”
An old man is sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons when an adorable four-year-old girl walks by with a puppy on a leash.
“Well, well,” says the old man. “Aren’t you a pretty little thing!”
The little girl giggles shyly. “Thank you” she says, digging her toe into the ground.
“What’s your name?”
“Sally.”
“And what’s your cute little puppy’s name?”
“Porky.”
“Aha! I’ll bet you named him that because he’s all pink and chubby, like you!”
“No,” says the little girl. “We named him ‘Porky’ because he likes to fuck pigs!”
A guy goes into a bar at 8:00AM. He sits down at a table near the window and orders a pitcher of beer. He drinks it, then orders another. This goes on all day long. At about 5:00 PM, he stands up, opens the window, unzips, and starts to pee out the window.
The bartender rushes over and says, “Hey! You can’t do that here!” He says, “Don’t worry, I’m not, I’m going to do it waaay over there!”
A woman is walking along the beach. She finds a brass lamp in the sand, picks it up and rubs it. A genie pops out and says, “Hey, thanks, lady. I was in there a long time, and my magic has waned a bit over the centuries. Tell you what, for freeing me, I’ll give you one wish.”
“Just one?” she asks. “Hmmm. Let’s see.” She takes him to the library and shows him a map of the Middle East. “Here’s Israel, here’s Syria, here’s Egypt, Iran, Iraq, here’s the West Bank… my wish is, I want you to bring peace to the Middle East. They’ve been hurting and killing each other for far too long, and I want you to fix it all so that they can live in harmony and mutual understanding with one another.”
The genie is aghast. “Lady, come on. I’m just one genie. You’re asking for the impossible! Sorry, no can do.”
The woman shrugs. “OK, then… what should I wish for instead?” She gets an idea. “I know! I want you to introduce me to the perfect man, and make him fall madly in love with me. I want a man who’ll remember my birthday, take me to romantic movies, not watch sports all the time, not fart in bed, really listen to me, try to understand my feelings, share what he’s really thinking, not be afraid to cry, and get along with my mom.”
The genie stares at her, sighs and says, “Lemme see that fucking map again…”
Two old women are sitting side by side on a porch swing.
“Tell me,” says one, “don’t you ever get the urge any more?”
“Of course I do,” replies her friend.
A pause. “Well, what do you do when you get it?”
“Oh, I just suck a Lifesaver.”
“I see.” Another pause. “Tell me, who drives you to the beach?”
It’s Christmas time. A mail carrier knocks on a door to deliver a package, and the door is opened by the lady of the house, a beautiful woman wearing a revealing negligee. She pulls him inside, leads him upstairs, and makes love to him for hours. The mail carrier has never had a better day! He’s lying in bed, utterly spent, when the lady takes her purse from the bedside table. She pulls out a dollar bill and hands it to him.
“What’s this for?” he asks, puzzled.
The lady explains, “My husband and I were talking about what Christmas bonuses we should give to the barber, the paperboy, and so on. We worked our way down through the list and got to you. I asked him what he thought I should give you and he said, ‘Fuck him. Give him a dollar.’”
A frontier Evangelist storms into a saloon one evening, thumping his Bible and threatening all with fire and brimstone and damnation.
“If you want to go to HEAVEN, you will ALL come OVER to ME!!!” he thunders.
With the exception of one old coot drinking calmly at the bar, all of the cowboys, rustlers, gamblers, hookers, dancers, drunks and other assorted low-lifes in the joint cross over to the Evangelist rather sheepishly.
“SIR!” thunders the Evangelist. “Don’t you want to go to HEAVEN with us?!?”
The old coot waves his hand and takes another sip of his drink. “No, that’s okay. I’m fine.”
The Evangelist is astonished. “SIR! You don’t want to go to HEAVEN when you DIE?!?”
The old coot downs the last of his whiskey. “Oh, when I DIE!” he says. “Hell, I thought you were takin’ a load up RIGHT NOW!”
Jethro the Hillbilly walks into the poshest hotel in Wheeling, West Virginia.
“Sir,” says the concierge, “would you mind wiping the mud off your shoes before you enter the foyer?”
Jethro looks at him and says “What shoes?”
A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist asks, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explains that she needs it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes get big and he says, “Why, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! All kinds of bad things will happen. It’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!”
The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says, “Ohhhh. Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription!”
Scientists researching various common foods and their effects on the brain stumble onto a remarkable discovery. People’s brains react strongly to certain foods. A diet heavy in tomatoes resulted in strengthened personal traits: musicians become more adept at playing, athletes’ reflexes improve markedly, mathematicians become better at calculation. Brains fed a diet heavy in citrus showed the opposite effect: whatever strengths people have are decreased greatly.
But the strangest result of all was with one food, which caused everyone’s brains to start functioning almost as a single organism, brain waves syncing up over distances, and attitudes and opinions shifting toward a sort of hive mind.
That’s right, they proved that grape minds think alike.
Reminds me of an old story about Abraham Lincoln’s one and only campaign for Congress.
One of his opponents was a tent-revival preacher. Lincoln went to one of his services, and the preacher noticed him in the crowd. The preacher shouted, “Everyone who thinks he’s goin’ to Heaven, stand up now!”
About two-thirds of the crowd stood.
“Everyone who WANTS to go to Heaven, stand up!”
Everyone else, except Lincoln, stood.
The preacher thrust out a bony finger at Lincoln. “And you, Mr. Lincoln, where do YOU want to go?”
Lincoln chuckled and said, “Well, now, I’m fixin’ to go to Congress!”
All those with telekinesis… raise my hand!
Who’s a better Christian, Tim Tebow or Mark Sanchez?
Sanchez. Tebow gives 10% while Sanchez gives up all his possessions.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde is tired & just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I’ll ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb…
An old maid schoolteacher has spent her whole life dreaming of visiting Egypt and seeing the pyramids. She finally retires, takes her life savings out of the bank, and buys a ticket to Cairo.
She’s happily making holiday snaps of the Sphinx when she hears horrible noises coming from a huge nearby tent in the desert. She walks on over and peeks inside to find a herd of camels being handled by a half-dozen Arabs.
“Hello?” says the old maid. “What’s going on here?”
One of the Arabs turns to greet her. “Oh, hello, lady. We are castrating our camels.”
“Oh, my word!” she says. “How do you do that?”
“Oh, it is very simple,” he replies. “Here, I will show you!”
She watches while he untethers one of the camels and leads it over to a large rock. He climbs on top of the boulder, has a helper lift the animal’s tail, takes two smaller stones out from under his robe, and smashes them together on the camel’s testicles.
The camel goes crosseyed and bellows a bone-chilling, ungodly howl of pain.
“Oh, my word!” says the old woman. “Doesn’t that hurt?!?”
The Arab looks down at the stones in his hands. “No,” he says, “not if you hold your fingers right.”
An Arab has been out in the desert for several months, alone with his camel train. Finally, he can’t take the pressure of enforced abstinence anymore and unties one of the female camels.
He leads her over to a rock, climbs up on it, and starts hitching up his robe. The camel looks over her shoulder, sees what he’s doing, and takes off at a trot before things go any farther.
The Arab jumps down off the boulder, swearing like a sailor, and takes off after the camel. He catches up to her and drags her back, only to have the same thing happen all over again.
After three or four more tries, he’s laying exhausted in the sand when he spies a speck on the horizon. He watches as it comes closer and realizes it’s a beautiful woman, dressed in tatters.
“Oh, thank God I found you!” she says. “I’ve been lost in the desert for I don’t know how long, and I’ll do anything for a drink of water!”
The Arab looks at her. “You will anything for a drink of water?”
“Yes, anything!”
“Anything at all?”
“Yes!”
He gets up and brushes himself off. “You want to hold that camel still for me?”
After being immersed in Arab culture off and on for the last 12 years in the military, I find it’s easy to understand why radical, fundamentalist Muslim, terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Just look at their lifestyle:
No premarital sex.
No booze. None. Ever.
No cable TV. No satellite TV. No TV.
No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN.
No Hooters.
No Sports-Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
No organized sports of any kind. That’s right – no sports!!!.
Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs.
No Victoria’s Secret stuff.
Very few cars. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.
Sand. Fucking sand everywhere!
More sand.
Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.
Sandstorms. More fucking sand everywhere!
Scarfs for clothes and hats.
Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel-dung chips.
Eating with your right hand only – because you wipe yourself with your left hand. Toilet tissue considered “decadent, and Western.”
Constant wailing from next door … no…wait, that’s their music!
And when you die it’s supposed to all get better… No wonder they volunteer!"