Adolf Hitler was the greatest hero of the 20th century. After all, he killed Hitler!
Another old joke:
Soviet Guard to Rabinovich: Why did you try to escape?
Rabinovich: If the Soviet Union collapses they’ll say the Jews did it.
The guard says “Don’t be ridiculous, the Soviet Union will never collapse!”
Rabinovich says “That’s my other reason.”
Courtesy of the Jeselnik Offensive - Louis Gerstner III, son of a former IBM CEO died last week when he choked while eating a steak dinner at a NYC restaurant. Gerstner leaves behind a wife, 2 children and most of his mashed potatoes.
One day an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled “SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!”
Jesus is walking through the countryside one day when he comes across a mob about to stone an adultress. Jesus calmly says, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Then he begins drawing in the sand as the mob drifts away, one or two at a time. He finally looks up to see one person still standing there, stone in hand.
Jesus says warningly, “Mom…”
A guy is reading the paper one day and sees an ad proclaiming “Talking Dog - $1.00” in big bold print followed by a phone number. He continues reading the rest of the paper but is intrigued by the ad. Wanting more details, he decides to call the number. “Hello.” The guy says, “I… um… er, You have a talking dog?” The owner says, “Sure do.” The guy says, “For sale?” Owner says, “Yep. One dollar. Want to see him?” The guy is really interested now and says, “Well, sure.” The owner gives him directions to his house and five minutes later the guy is pulling into the driveway. The owner tells him the dog is in the back room watching TV and to go on back. He follows the sound of the baseball game to the back bedroom and sure enough, there is a dog, sitting on the bed, drinking a beer. The guy is feeling really silly but says, “Umm… are you a talking dog?” The dog turns to him and says, “Hi! Come on in. You want a brewsky? There in the ‘fridge under the TV.” The guy is completely blown away. It’s gotta be a trick. He gets a beer and sits down next to the dog and says, “Mind if ask you a question?” The dog says, “No. Shoot.” The guy asks, “Uh… can you tell me a little about yourself?”
The dog says, “Well, I was born in a barn in New Jersey. And when I was old enough, I was given over to the Seeing Eye Dogs of America in Moorestown for training. Two years later I was given to an old lady in Philadelphia. When she died, I was given to the US Army. I fought in Iraq sniffing out IEDs. I was wounded and it took a couple months to recuperate. When I recovered, I was ferrying medical supplies up to the front. When I got wounded a second time, they sent me home. After 9-11, I was sent to New York City looking for survivors. After a while, there were no more survivors and I was recovering the dead. I took it pretty hard and they discharged me. This family took me in and I’ve been here ever since.” The guys says, “That’s extraordinary! What a life! Will you pardon me a minute? I want to talk to your owner.” The dog waves.
The guy goes out to the owner and says, “One dollar, right?” The owner says, “That’s right.” The guy gives him a dollar and says, “Mind if I ask why you are selling him?” The owner leans down the hallway and shouts, “’CAUSE HE’S A LIAR!!!”
A married couple are in a terrible car accident. The man wakes up, disoriented, in a recovery room.
The doctor comes in and says, “I have some good news and some bad news, Mr. Barnes. The good news is that, although you were pretty banged up and will need months of physical therapy, you’re going to make a full recovery. The bad news is that your wife was hurt even worse. She’s in a coma, has no bowel control, can’t feed herself and will never be able to have sex again. She’ll need constant care for the rest of her life.”
“Oh, my God,” the man cries. “That’s terrible. My poor wife… and now my life is ruined!”
The doctor says, “Nah, I was just fucking with you. She’s dead.”
I just read this one on Memebase:
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
A handsome prince is lounging around his castle one day when he spies a messenger galloping over the next hill, coming at him at full speed.
He rushes out into the courtyard as the messenger clatters over the drawbridge and falls from his saddle, exhausted.
“Me lady, the Princess!” he gasps. “She’s been imprisoned in the next castle!”
The prince wastes no time in saddling up his own horse and riding off to the rescue. He hasn’t gone far, however, when he comes upon a mighty river, raging in full flood. So he rides back to his own castle, rounds up an army of serfs, and sets them to work bridging the river.
When the bridge is complete, he remounts his steed and sets off once again. This time he rides for a full day, before he encounters an impenetrable forest.
He turns around again, rides back over the river, and rounds up another army of serfs, which he brings with him back over the bridge, up to the forest, and has them start cutting a road through it.
Once the road is finished, he sets off yet again and rides for a day and a night. At last he spies the towers of the Princess’s castle, only to find that an enchanter has surrounded it with a thick tangle of thornbushes.
So he turns around, rides back through the forest, over the river, returns to his castle, and grabs his magic battle axe, which he carries over the river, through the forest, and up to the enchanted thornbushes.
Wielding his magic battle axe, he chops his way through the thornbushes, only to come face-to-face with a fierce ogre guarding the castle’s drawbridge.
So he rides back through the thornbushes, over the fields, through the forest, across the river, and back to his own castle where he grabs his magic mace.
Riding back over the river, through the forest, across the fields, and through the thornbushes, he slays the ogre and gallops over the drawbridge to the Princess’s castle.
Imagine his shock when he finds the entrance to the Princess’s tower is guarded by a gigantic sulfurous fire-breathing dragon! So he turns around, rides back across the drawbridge, over the ogre’s body, through the thornbushes, over the fields, through the forest, across the river, back to his own castle where he grabs his enchanted sword.
He rides across the river, through the forest, over the fields, through the thornbushes, over the ogre’s body, across the drawbridge, into the courtyard, and slays the dragon.
He kicks in the door and is about to climb the tower when he realizes he forgot to bring a present for the Princess.
So he hops over the dragon, crosses the courtyard, over the drawbridge, past the ogre, over the fields, through the forest, across the bridge, and back to his own castle. Once there, he grabs the first thing he sees, a solid gold, jewel-encrusted, velvet-lined jewelry box, stuffs in under his tunic, and makes his way over the river, through the forest, across the fields, through the thornbushes, past the ogre, over the drawbridge, through the courtyard, around the dragon, and back into the Princess’s tower.
He ascends the spiral staircase inside the tower and is about to kick down the door to the Princess’s chambers when he realizes: Damn! He didn’t bring anything to put into the box.
Thinking quickly, he draws the dagger that hangs from his belt, does a Vincent van Gogh on himself, returns the dagger to its scabbard, and puts his severed appendage inside the box.
Finally, he kicks down the door and enters the Princess’s chambers, where he beholds the most beautiful young maiden he has ever seen, with glowing eyes of emerald green and long braids of shining flaxen hair, all clad in the purest shimmering samite.
He grovels on the floor at the Princess’s feet and humbly proffers the solid gold, jewel-encrusted, velvet-lined jewelry box to this veritable goddess of pulchritude.
Ever so slowly, the Princess opens the box with trembling hands, beholds its contents, gasps and cries…
“Oooooh! Wot’s this 'ere?!?” :dubious:
Baader comes into the room and sees Meinhof holding a grenade. She pulls the pin and asks “What do I do now?”
“Throw it!” Baader yells
Meinhof says “Huh?”
Baader yells “Throw it!”
Meinhof says “What?”
Baader yells “Throw the #@^& thing!!”
So Meinhof says “OK Baader, catch!”
WARNING: The following joke is extremely un-PC. Proceed at your own risk! :dubious:
An Englishman, a Jew, and a Polak are sitting in a waiting room when a fly buzzes by.
The Englishman waves his hand and shooes the fly away.
The Jew waves his hand and shooes the fly away.
The Polak reaches out and grabs the fly. He opens his palm slightly, looks at the fly, and then pops it into his mouth and swallows.
The three men continue to sit in silence. A few minutes later, another fly buzzes into the room.
The Englishman waves his hand and shooes it away.
It buzzes over to the Jew, who reaches out and grabs it.
The Jew looks around the room slyly and asks “Anybody want to buy a fly?”
Don’t complain; you were warned! :rolleyes:
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse keeps galloping along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head strikes the ground. As her head is beaten and battered over and over, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
I don’t get it.
It’s absurdist humor. The joke comes with the sudden transfer from the fairly elegantly stated narrative to something short, brisk and Cockney. I laughed at it, my daughter laughed at it, my wife just looked blank, my daughter’s fiance just looked blank. It’s not really explainable: it’s either immediately funny to you or it’s not.
Elendil’s Heir:
He “does a Van Gogh on himself” to have a present to give her. With the Cockey accent, it sounds like “What’s this ear?”
Hello,…and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons. You’ll just screw it up.
This made me LOL.
[QUOTE=Prof. Pepperwinkle]
It’s absurdist humor. The joke comes with the sudden transfer from the fairly elegantly stated narrative to something short, brisk and Cockney. I laughed at it, my daughter laughed at it, my wife just looked blank, my daughter’s fiance just looked blank. It’s not really explainable: it’s either immediately funny to you or it’s not.
[/QUOTE]
Correct! 
[QUOTE=cmkeller]
He “does a Van Gogh on himself” to have a present to give her. With the Cockey accent, it sounds like “What’s this ear?”
[/QUOTE]
Also correct! Well done, both of you!
Not to mention the absurdity of a high-born veritable goddess of pulchritude opening her mouth and speaking in the voice of a common flower girl.
Thanks, all. I get it now.