Good jokes you've heard recently

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
442

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a noted specialist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she made an appointment.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, “OK preeze, take off all your crose.”

The woman did as she was told.

“Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of loom.”

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me.”

And, so she did.

Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, “You probrem vewy bad. You haff Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haff sex or date.”

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?

“Disease is when face rook Ed Zachary rike your ahss.”

443

A Chinese guy approaches a Las Vegas hooker and asks for her current rate.

“$100 an hour,” she replies, “regardless of how many times you climax.”

The Chinese guy accepts her fee and they retire to his hotel room. Money changes hands, and they disrobe and hit the sack.

The Chinese guy goes at it with wild abandon, climaxing in under a minute. Triumphantly, he jumps out of bed and does some Kung Fu moves naked in the middle of the room. Then he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, climbs back on top of the hooker, and resumes banging away.

In less than a minute, he climaxes again, does the Kung Fu routine, dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, and so on.

The process repeats itself every other minute for the next half hour. Not only is the hooker amazed at the Chinese guy’s stamina, she’s all but exhausted herself. Thinking that some Kung Fu moves might restore her energy too, the uses the next break in the action to jump out of bed and copy his routine.

When he dives under the bed, she follows him…

and finds another dozen naked Chinese guys hiding under the bed. :eek:

444

A couple was sitting in church, the man was nodding off and his wife was knitting. The priest asked; “Who created the Earth and man?”

The woman poked the man with her knitting needle, and the man awoke and screamed, “God!” The Priest looked at him and said, “That’s right.”

The sermon went on and the man went back to napping. The Priest then asked in a loud voice, “Who is God’s son?”

Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, “Jesus Christ!” Again, the priest said, “Correct.”

Finally, the priest asked, “What did Eve say to Adam, when she didn’t want any more children?”

The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he got up and screamed; “You poke me with that thing one more time and I’m going to rip it off!”

445

A variant on that …

Three nuns died together in a car accident and were ushered straight up to the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter, standing in front of the gates, said “ladies, before I let you in, you must be tested on your religious knowledge. I will ask you each a question, and if you answer correctly, in you go; if not, to purgatory with you”.

The first nun was spotligted in a beam of divine light, and the question boomed out: “who made Adam!”.

The first nun smiled and said: “Oooh, that’s an easy one! God did!” and the pearly gates swung wide, and a divine chorus sang out as her soul wafted into heaven.

The second nun was spotligted in a beam of divine light, and the question boomed out: “who made Eve!”.

The second nun smiled and said: “Oooh, that’s an easy one! God did!” and the pearly gates swung wide, and a divine chorus sang out as her soul wafted into heaven.

The third nun was spotligted in a beam of divine light, and the question boomed out: “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam!”.

The third nun, at a loss, frowned and said: “Oooh, that’s a hard one …”

… and the pearly gates swung wide, and a divine chorus sang out …

446

¿Qué le dijo el azúcar a la cuchara?

“Nos vemos por el café.”

(the second line means both “see you at the coffee shop” and “see you inside a cup of coffee” - also, in some dialects the preposition would be por, in some it would be en, but in any case it works)

447

lol… that’s great!! I like yours better.

448

Little Johnny bunks off school and goes home to play with his toys, but he hears his Mom coming in and hastily hides in the closet. He hears some sounds he doesn’t understand, but then he hears a car in the driveway and his mother hissing “Shit, it’s my husband! Quickly, hide in the closet!”. Moments later, there is a strange man in there with Little Johnny.

As soon as the closet door is firmly shut, Little Johnny whispers “Hey, it’s dark in here, isn’t it?”. “Shut up!” whispers the man. “Say,” whispers Little Johnny, “you wanna buy a baseball glove? Only fifty bucks!” “Don’t be silly, that’s far too much!” the man objects. “All right,” says Little Johnny, “Imma yell for my father.” “No, don’t,” says the man, “here’s your fifty bucks!”. And Little Johnny takes the money and buttons up.

After Mom has got rid of Dad and the man slips out, Little Johnny also slips out of the house and goes down to the store where they have a bicycle for sale for only $50. And when Dad gets home, there’s Little Johnny riding around on it. “Where’s you get that bike from, son?” asks Dad. “I sold my baseball glove to a man for $50 and bought the bike with it!” says Little Johnny. “Nonsense!” says his Dad. “Your baseball glove wasn’t worth that much. Either you’re a liar or you’re a thief, and either way, you can get along to church and confess!”

So off goes Little Johnny, who’s seen people go into the confessional but never been in himself, and he waits for the green light and goes in, a little awed by the occasion. He pulls the curtain shut and kneels down, and says, “Hey, it’s dark in here, isn’t it?”

“…Don’t you start that shit in here!” says the voice from the other side of the screen.

449

Have you heard about the four miracles that the Pope performed?

  1. He walked underwater.
  2. He cured a ham.
  3. He turned wine into water.
  4. He made a lame man blind.
450

There was a case in one hospital’s Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and the administration and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the starnge incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all the doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves just what caused this terrible phenomenon. Some were even holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil spirits.

Just then the clock struck 11…

In walks Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper. He enters the ward and unplugs the life support system so that he can use the vacuum cleaner.

451

I have no idea why, but this one made me laugh and laugh.

452

St. Peter asks the first of the [del]three[/del] four nuns if she has done anything impure. She says, “I did see a man’s … well … you know one time.”

“Go to the fountain over there,” he tells her, “and rinse your eyes in the holy water. You may then enter the kingdom of Heaven.”

He asks the same of the second nun, and she says, “I did touch a man … down there … one time.”

“Go to the fountain over there,” he tells her, “and wash your hands in the holy water. You may then enter the kingdom of Heaven.”

As he turns to the third nun, the fourth nun jumps in and says, “May I please gargle in the fountain before she sits in it?”

453

Ari and Shlomo are walking down the street in Brooklyn. Ari says, “Hey, did you hear that new joke? Herschel and Menachem are talking in the deli, and Herschel says–”

“Hold it,” says Shlomo, throwing up his hands. “Enough with the Jewish jokes already. I’ve had it up to here with Jewish humor! Tell me a joke that’s not about Jews, would you?”

Ari is a little taken aback and says, “Uh… sure. Sure, OK. How about this one: Muhammad and Khalid are talking in the minaret about Muhammad’s son, whose bar mitzvah is coming soon…”

454

Some of these are are bit crude and politically incorrect but who cares?
Son said to Dad “I’m Gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said “Me too Dad.”
Dad said “Fuck me, doesn’t anyone in this fucking family like pussy?”
The Daughter said “I do…”

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can f**k off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.”

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”

The wife said to me last night “If you turn the bedside lamp off I’ll take it up the arse.”
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first….

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you…he is in Prison.

The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don’t you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”

Nearly shagged a Lady boy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That’s when I thought “Fucking wait a minute…”
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing. …then said,
“That’s gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”

455

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and
he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book,
replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

" Oh, I don’t know," said the atheist. “How about why there is
no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled
smugly.

“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that
is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s
intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the

little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified
to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

456

Life just gets better as you get older doesn’t it?

I was in Costa Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I
realized that I desperately needed to pass gas. The place was packed but the
music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my
farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel
much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at
me…

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod…

457

Why I love the Irish!

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him “Do you want the winner of the next race ?”
Paddy replies “No tanks, I’ve only got a small garden.”

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.
The driver won £52 !

Paddy’s racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it’s shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn’t work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says “Bejesas I’ve just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.”
The operator asks, “is it tickin ?”
Paddy says “No I tink it’s beef”

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick “Christmas is on a Friday this year”
Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. “Did you find the shampoo ?”
Paddy says “Yes but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

Paddy and Mick found three hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick says “What if one explodes before we get there ?”
Paddy replies “We’ll lie and say we only found two !”

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
“I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me.”
Paddy says “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

Paddy spies a letter lying on the doormat.
It says on the envelope 'DO NOT BEND '.
Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the letter up.

Paddy’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper”.
He does but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper” his wife asks.
“Here Boy” he replies.

Paddy’s in jail. The Guard looks in and sees him hanging by his feet.
“What the hell are you doing” he asks.
“Hanging myself” Paddy replies.
“It should be round your neck” says the Guard.
“I know” says Paddy “But I couldn’t breathe”.

An American tourist asks Paddy “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boat ?”.
Paddy replies 'If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat".

458

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
His dizzy aunt
Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes
Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store
Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia
U Gogh
His magician uncle
Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin
A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother
Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach
Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle
Can’t Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt
Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle
Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin
Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking
Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew
Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco
Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV
Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . There ya Gogh!

459

Now on sale at IKEA – Lesbian beds - no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all
tongue and groove…

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it’s
definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced
they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency.

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking
through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maids outfit,
and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can’t hold down a job,
she’s not for him.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, ‘A
meal for two with a terrible view’ isn’t the best way to announce number 69.

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy.
He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says “I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come
all over giddy and feel sick.”
Murphy asks “Ave yer got vertigo?”
Paddy replies “No I only live round the corner.”

460

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch rockin’ chair watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

“Roll of chicken wire.” He replied.

“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch some chickens.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by dragging the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise again and sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

“Roll of duct tape.”

“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch me some ducks.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!”

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy walks by trailing behind him the 20 ft. unrolled section of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

“It’s a pussy willow.”

“Wait up…I’ll get my hat.”

461

Wait, you got that wrong, or mine is better…(obligatory response to Jewish Joke).

Ship finds desert island, captain finds two synagogues. (Or whatever).

Meets old guy, asks him about it.

Just the two us since a shipwreck 50 years ago. (Insert your own byplay here.)

See that one? That’s mine. See that other one? That’s for Moishe. That third one? Neither of us would get caught dead in there.