Ari and Shlomo are walking down the street again in Brooklyn. They come to a Catholic church with a big sign outside: “COME INSIDE - CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM - GET $100!”
Ari says, “What do you think?”
Shlomo shrugs. “I guess it wouldn’t do any harm to find out.” He goes inside, and Ari waits on the sidewalk.
After ten minutes Shlomo comes back outside.
“So,” Ari asks, “did you convert? Did you get the hundred bucks?”
Shlomo narrows his eyes and says, “It’s always about the money with you Jews!”
A magician works on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem. The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. After that, he started shouting in the middle of the show “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table,” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”
The magician is furious, but he couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot. One night, there is a terrible explosion. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea. He looks around and sees a single lifeboat is all that’s left of the cruise ship. He swims for it and climbs aboard and finds, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They glared at each other with hatred, one in the bow and the other in the stern, but did not utter a single word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not take anymore and says,
“OK, I give up. Where’s the fucking ship?”
It was funnier when the Pope was Polish. 
A man walks into a confessional and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I’ve been having a passionate affair with a woman half my age. She’s absolutely beautiful, and the sex is amazing.”
The priest recognizes his voice and says, “Is that you, Mr. Weiss? You’re not even Catholic. Why are you telling me this?”
Mr. Weiss says, “Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!”
Myron and Levi strike up a chance conversation as they’re lounging on the beach in Florida. As they talk, it turns out that they’re both there spending some insurance money.
“Oy, it was terrible!” says Levi. “I owned a warehouse in the Garment District. One night when no one was around, a fire started! The place burned to the ground, and I got $100,000.”
“I know, I know,” says Myron. “I owned a warehouse too. Everything was washed away in a flood, and I got $500,000.”
The two men sit in silence, staring out over the ocean. Finally, Levi turns and asks “Tell me, Myron: How do you start a flood?”
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:
One says, “I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”
“I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” says the other cowboy, “what is it?”
"Well, it’s when you get your mate down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. You then reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and then you whisper in her ear, “Boy, these feel just like your sister’s. And then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.”
An elderly married lady is at home when her phone rings. She picks up the phone and says, “Hello?”
“Mrs. Jones? This is the Memorial Hospital lab. Your husband was here last week for some blood tests.”
“Yes?”
“Uh, we’re really sorry, but we mixed up his test tube with another patient’s, and now we don’t know if he’s got Alzheimer’s or AIDS.”
“Oh, my goodness. What should I do?”
There’s a long pause. “Well, my advice is to drive him to the outskirts of town and make him get out of the car. If he finds his way home, don’t fuck him.”
The two thousand member church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, “Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!”
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, “All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.”
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”
“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”
“I tried,” Brian sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”
“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: “There are no swear words in the Cherokee language.”
One boy raised his hand, “But what if you’re hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?”
“That,” the man answered, “is when we use your language.”
Gallery Owner: I have some good news and some bad news.
Artist: What’s the good news?
Gallery Owner: The good news is that a man came in here today asking if the price of your paintings would go up after you die. When I told him they would he bought every one of your paintings.
Artist: That’s great! What’s the bad news?
Gallery Owner: The bad news is that man was your doctor!
A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.
The bartender says “Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!” so the man picks up the monkey and leaves.
Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.
The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"
The man says “Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size”
Okay, you asked for it.
Why did they sunbathe nude?
They wanted to leave no stern untoned.
Why were they throwing pebbles at the small birds?
They wanted to leave no tern unstoned.
Why did Bill take the joints away from Monica?
He wanted leave no stoned intern
Can anyone think of any more variations?
Why did they repent with sackcloth and ashes for their imbibings?
They wanted to leave no stirrin’ unatoned.
Why did he bury his biscuits?
He wanted to leave no scone uninterred.
Why did change the settings on his violin in the middle of his solo?
He wanted to leave no tone unturned.
For many years, two nuns made a pilgrimage every May to Rome to see the Pope and to visit the Vatican Museum. They rented bicycles and loved riding all around the ancient city.
One time, however, they stayed out too late. It got dark and they found themselves riding down a narrow, spooky street in what they could see was not the best neighborhood.
“Sister,” one said, a little worried, “I’ve never come this way before.”
“I know,” said the other, smiling. “It’s the cobblestones.”
VertiGoff?
GottaGoff?
StopNGoff?
In English, we pronounce his surname that way; AIUI the actual Dutch pronunciation is closer to “van’t Hoff” so far as an untrained Anglophone throat can make it
A man goes to the doctor after feeling very ill for some time. The doctor runs some tests and then says “I’m sorry, Mr Smith, but you’re going to die soon”. Stunned, Mr Smith asks “How long have I got?” “Ten,” says the doctor. “Ten? Ten what? Ten months, ten weeks… surely not ten days!” The doctor shakes his head sadly. “Nine…”
Eliza, after Rastus has been seriously under-performing in bed for some time, finally gets him to go and see the doctor. He is gone for some hours. When he comes home he is wearing a brand new suit, a frock coat, a pocketwatch, a monocle and a tall hat, and he is twirling a gold-mounted cane as he goes. “Rastus!” demands Eliza. “What is the meaning of that fancy get-up?” “Well, honey,” says Rastus proudly, “the doctor says I’s impo’tant. And if I’s impo’tant, I’s gonna look impo’tant!”
Beau calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. The buddy asks, “How will I recognize him?”
“Oh, well, he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.
“A female horth." So, he shows him his prize filly.
“Nith looking horth. Can I thee her eyeth?” So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horses eyes the once over.
“Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?” So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horses ears.
“Nith earzth. Can I thee her mouf?” The rancher is getting pretty bent out of shape by this time, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.
“Nith mouf, can I thee her twat?”
Totally steamed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget’s face smack against the horse’s ass, pulls him away and slams him on the ground! The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
“Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?”
Did you hear about the midget psychic who killed a guy and then busted out of the local jail? The newspaper headline the next day read, “Short medium at large!”
A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.
The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying “I am not sure that is a duck.”
The Psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying “I know it’s a duck, but I’m not sure that it knows it’s a duck."
The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. He turns to the pathologist and says “Go see if that was a duck.”
A couple is arguing about who should make the coffee in the morning. The wife says, “I think your should do it because you get up first.”
He counters with, “The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.” “No way,” she says. “You should do it. The Bible even says so.” “What the heck are you talking about?” She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and point to the appropriate section: “Hebrews”