Did you hear about the mental patient who escaped while on a conjugal visit? The headline read “Nut screws and bolts!”
A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years old. One evening the wife came home and found a note from her husband. It said: ‘‘My dear, you are 54 years old and there are some things you are not giving me, so I am at the Holiday Inn with my 18-year-old student. Don’t bother waiting up for me.’’
He returns home that night to find a note from his wife: ‘‘You are also 54 years old and there are things I need that you’re not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 18-year-old students and you (being a math teacher) should know that 18 goes into 54 way more than 54 goes into 18, so don’t YOU wait up for ME.’’
(Posted earlier, but what the hell):
Three statisticians go hunting. As they’re walking through the woods, rifles in hand, a deer runs nearby.
One statistitican shoots just ahead of the deer.
The second shoots just behind it.
The third shouts, “We got it!”
Two Ethnics decide to go out bear hunting. They see a road sign saying “Bear Left”. So they go home.
It is June 1964. A British Airways pilot irritates a Berlin International Airport air traffic controller, who gets very bossy in giving him radio instructions.
“Have you never flown into Berlin before?” the air traffic controller finally snaps.
“Quite a few times, actually,” says the British pilot calmly. “But that was 20 years ago, and I never landed.”
Did you hear about the Ethnic who walked into an elevator, saw the sign that said “Capacity 12 people,” and stood there waiting for the other 11?
Why did Warsaw get rid of its 911 number?
No one was ever able to find 11 on the dial.
Moishe, the worst shlep in the shtetl, is particularly down on his luck. Out of desperation, he goes to see the rabbi in the hope that he might have some work available.
The rabbi thinks a moment and says “Tell you what, Moishe. I’ll pay you a ruble a month to stand by the front gate every day and watch for the coming of the Messiah.”
Moishe is a little disappointed. “A ruble a month?” he says. “That’s not very much.”
“True,” says the rabbi. “But think of the job security!”
One day in Czarist Russia, the only cow in a stetl dies, leaving the inhabitants with no dairy products. So they take up a collection and send Moskowicz the Milkman off to Minsk to buy a replacement.
Imagine their dismay when he returns with the new cow but she won’t give any milk.
“No problem!” says Moscowicz. “All we have to do is mate her with our bull and she’ll start producing!”
So they put her in the pen with the bull but she steadfastly refuses to mate with him. Moscowicz tries every trick in the book, but the cow won’t even let the bull get close to her.
Stumped, the villagers seek out the rabbi for his advice. He listens to their story in silence and in the end asks only one question: “Tell me,” he says, “did you buy this cow in Minsk?”
Everyone is astounded at the rabbi’s profound wisdom. “Why, yes!” says Moscowicz. “We did buy her in Minsk! However did you know?!?”
The rabbi shrugs sadly. “My wife is from Minsk.”
Cops in Battle Creek, MI, have discovered a body in a bathtub covered in cornflakes, Half ‘n’ Half, and sliced bananas. They’re convinced they’re dealing with a cereal killer.
I don’t get it at all.
He’s not going to try screwing the bulb into a socket with only one arm, he’s just taking it back to the store for a new one.
Yabut it doesn’t make sense. Who the hell uses two hands to screw in a lightbulb in the first place? If you’re a lighthouse keeper, maybe. But a regular lamp? Never.
What, you hold the lamp (or hanging fixture) in your teeth? :dubious:
There isn’t a single hanging fixture in the entire house. Even then, so what? Climb the step stool, unscrew bulb, place in pocket, take replacement bulb out of mouth and replace. All force applied to the fixture is rotary to the socket. Who needs two hands to do that?
And, he said he was going to change a lightbulb, not EXchange it.
An Ohio State graduate.
So? 
BAZINGA! 
Substitute UCLA, LSU, Stanford, Loyola, Duke, etc… for whoever I’m insulting. 