WWII joke from 1964…wasn’t the OP asking for jokes you’ve heard recently? 
:: rimshot ::
Oh, we’re 'way past “recently” now…
Clearly, you haven’t worked with hanging fixtures. You grab the old bulb and turn, and the whole hanging fixture twists on its cord or chain. If you can’t hold it still, you’ll be turning for a long time, and it will get harder and harder to change your grip after each turn.
The OP also asked for good jokes, and we left that standard behind days ago.
First time I’ve heard it. And you didn’t have a problem with the joke about Czarist Russia.
What’s annoying me is the dissection of the jokes. If you don’t get it, don’t laugh. If you get it but you don’t think it’s funny, don’t laugh.
Achmet and Omar are driving down the street in Damascus one afternoon.
“Hey, Omar!” says Achmet. “What happens if the bomb in the back seat goes off?”
“Not to worry!” says Omar. “We’ve got another one in the boot!”
[nitpick]Sorry, EH, you’re still not ready to pass as British. In 1964 British Airways did not exist (BOAC and BEA were still separate airlines). :p[/nitpick]
A man comes home drunk and staggers upstairs with a sheep under his arm. His wife sits up in bed and shrieks “What’s that you’ve got there?”.
“This,” he says with drunken dignity, “is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.”
“I think you’ll find that’s a sheep!” she retorts.
“I think you’ll find I wasn’t talking to you,” he answers.
Now!! See what happens when you do joke forensics?! If you don’t like the joke, you are obligated to tell a better one!! Stop wasting space… time… and insults. Tell a joke dammit!!!
A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Knob”, where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.”
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.” She said, “Oh. Well then, that explains the goatee.”
What do elephants and plums have in common?
They’re both purple, except the elephants.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants?
“Here comes the elephants.”
What did Jane say when she saw the elephants?
“Here comes the plums.” (She’s color blind)
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
What goes clomp, squish, clomp, clomp?
An elephant wearing one wet sneaker.
What’s a womb?
The noise an elephant makes when he farts inside a tin shed.
From the 80’s (to me this qualifies as a ‘recent’ joke)
“Beat me whip me rape me, make me write bad checks!”
which updated would have to be something like:
“Beat me whip me rape me, make me invest in penny stocks”
How do you console someone with bad grammar skills? There, their, they’re.
Back in the darkest days of the Cold War, the CIA spends months training an agent for a special assignment in Moscow. He’s sent to spy school, given the elaborate cover identity of Pavel Petrovich Ivanov, supplied with a complete wardrobe produced in Eastern Europe, and set up with an apartment in the heart of the Communist capital, a safe house, and a cache of US dollars, West German Deutschmarks, and Soviet rubles.
Imagine his surprise when he’s picked up by the KGB less than a week after being inserted. He’s charged with espionage and taken straight to Lubyanka Prison on Dzerzhinskii Square.
Facing his interrogator across a table, he realizes the jig is up. “Fair enough, you caught me,” he says, “But tell me: just what was it that tipped you off?”
The KGB officer looks at him and smiles smugly. "First of all, ‘Comrade Ivanov,’ your eyeglasses are all wrong. Here in the Union, there’s only one style of frames for men, and that’s not it.
"Second, your shoes are much too nice. In the summer, Russian men tend to wear socks and sandals, even with a business suit.
"Third, the staples in your internal passport are stainless steel. They haven’t rusted the way Soviet staples do.
"Fourth, your Russian language skills are not quite perfect. You habitually use the instrumental case in places where genitive is required.
"Fifth, you paid for a ticket on the trolleybus but failed to punch it. No Soviet citizen would ever do that.
“Finally, you’re black.”
Fred and Tom are out in the woods hunting when a rattlesnake startles them. It leaps up bites Fred right on his penis. The snake slithers away as Fred begins screaming in pain.
Tom calls 911 on his cellphone and is put through to the poison-control center. The operator says, “You’ve got to suck the poison out. Be sure you don’t swallow it - spit it out right away. But you’ve got to remove the poison before it gets any further into your friend’s bloodstream.”
Tom thanks the operator and hangs up.
“So what’d they say, buddy?” Fred says between gasps of pain.
Tom shakes his head. “They say you’re gonna die.”
One day in the London Underground, a very proper English gentleman is sitting across from two South Asians who are arguing heatedly. Even though he tries not to, he can’t help overhearing their conversation.
“So, I walk into the room you know, and there she sits with her great big whoom, W-H-O-O-M!”
“No, no, no. It is WOOME, I tell you, W-O-O-M-E!”
“No, no, no, W-H-O-O-M, I am certainly sure it was, absolutely!”
The Englishman stands up when the train stops at his station, but can’t resist making a comment before getting off. He leans over and says “Actually, you are both wrong. It’s W-O-M-B.”
The two Asians stare at him blankly. “Excuse me, sir!” says one. “But I doubt very much you have ever been in the same room with an Indian woman, much less heard one fart!”
Doctor: “Do you masturbate a lot?”
Patient: “Yes, why?”
Doctor: “Well, you have to stop.”
Patient: “Why’s that?”
Doctor: “So I can continue with the examination.”
Three professionals are arguing about which is the oldest and most respectable profession.
The surgeon says “When God made Eve out of Adam’s rib, that was the first surgery, so mine is the oldest profession!”
The accountant says “When God created order out of chaos that was done with mathematics, so mine is the oldest profession!”
But then the politician said “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”
An older guy goes to his local clinic and asks to see a doctor. He’s told to go into the first available examination room and strip, and a doctor will be with him shortly.
Imagine the doctor’s surprise when he walks in and finds the guy completely naked and sporting a bright orange dick.
“Hmmmmmmmmm,” goes the doc. “I must say, I’ve never seen anything quite like that!”
“I know, I know,” says the guy. “I was kind of hoping it would go away, but it seems to be getting worse.”
“Well,” says the doc. “Do you and your spouse engage in any unusual sexual activities?”
“No, in fact my wife passed away last year.”
“Hmmmmmmmm. No prostitutes, no one-night stands?”
“No, nothing like that.”
“Okay… How about work? Do you handle any toxic chemicals on the job?”
“Nope, not at all. In fact, I’m retired.”
“I see. Well, how do you spend your days?”
“Well, I’ve just been kind of laying around the house lately.”
“Uh-huh. Any gardening, anything like that?”
“Nope. I just sit in my armchair all day, watch porn flicks, eat Cheetos…”
Sex is like a motor racing - the most important thing is not to save money for the best quality rubber.
A lady tells to the nurse at the maternity hospital:
- I think I will call my little newborn Anna.
Doctor: - Sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her Anna532 or Anna_153.